Hello. Hello. Is there anyone out there??

Hey dear readers and loyal fans. I can only apologise for the lack of posting in recent days/weeks/months. There is no excuse for it. But to be honest it got really busy with a lot of good TV coming to an end at the same time and Mickey and I had to say our goodbyes to favourites like ER, The Shield and Mickey's personal favourite, Prison Break. Quite how they managed to stretch that into a fourth series and then a made for TV film I will never know - but I hope they guy that persuaded the TV station to buy it was given a generous bonus.

So what are we watching over the summer?? I am resisting the temptation to watch old episodes of the Bill on Alibi (tho I am very excited about the new-look Bill with HD and music and stuff) and have been watching the first series of Big Bang Theory on DVD and Masterchef. Now if any of our readers ever lie awake at night wondering what Mickey from Mickey and Davies TV rant looks and acts like - maybe you should be watching Big Bang as well...................

Great to be back.

Apprentice Series Five. Pick Your Winner

Finally, the wait is over. The Apprentice is back on Wednesday. But more importantly, this sees the return of the most popular no prized competition in the history of humanity. Yes. It's time for this year's Mickey and Davie's TV Rant's Who Is Going To Win The Apprentice (Based Purely On Appearance Remember) competition.

And here are the fifteen we've got to choose from:

Over the past few days I've been collecting initial entries from people I've seen in real life. Anyone who still reads this rubbish and who wants to join in the fun (and believe me, it really is a whole lot of fun) feel free to leave a comment and I'll make sure your entry is logged. Please remember though, there are no prizes, and if you leave your comment after the first episode has aired then your vote won't count and you may still be charged.

I myself thought long and hard before deciding on my winner. Last year I incorrectly thought it was going to be Jenny Celeriac (or whatever her name is). I should have realised that it was a mistake seeing as I've got some sort of intolerence with all things that begin with celer-. (It's not an allergy, but believe me, it's still very unpleasant).

But this year, I still think it's going to be a lady, and I'm going for the one on the right at the front with the big curly hair.

She'll annoy me, and I'll not want her to win, but Sir Alan will like her no nonsense in your face attitude and her inability to recognise her own weaknesses.

Davie has decided to go for James. He's the blokey on the far right, next to the beauty queen. He looks a bit too smug for my liking. A little bit cocky. I don't like him myself.

Last year, Mrs Davie went for Kevin, the Matt Lucas lookalike who I think may have been the most incompetent man on television. His incompetence was only matched by his lack of self-awareness. As a result, Mrs Davie will not be choosing this year. Last year's shame still hurts.

Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP usually picks the one who is first out. And by picking Lorraine, I think he'll keep up his losing streak. Yes, she's wearing glasses, but so did Andy in series 3, and we know what happened to him.

Young Joe, Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP's son, is a bit of a ladies man, and has gone for Kate, while his mother (who likes to keep things local) has gone for Philip, an Estate Agent from Co Durham.




Finally, to Stannaz and Mrs Stannaz. Stannaz and I think alike (apart from Stannaz being a huge fan of all things beginning with celer-). He's gone for Paula, like me. His wife, Mrs Stannaz is a big fan of sandwiches, Middlesbrough and boxing films and so has gone for Rocky, the sandwich chain owner from Teesside.

So there you have it. Possibly the dullest thing I've ever written, although look back over the past couple of years worth of ramblings and you may be able to find an entry that will prove me wrong.

End credits

One of the things I like to do when watching a television programme is watch the end credits all the way through. I've enjoyed the programme therefore I shall honour the makers by reading their names. It's something I've done for years. That way I know that Sid Sutton did the theme music arrangement on Doctor Who during Tom Baker's last season, and while I don't know what Mykola Pawluk actually does, I do know that that particular individual has worked on lots of television programmes since my childhood.

Credits of course are normally ruined these days by continuity announcers telling us what's on next and what's on BBC2 and what's on BBC3, and what's on the iPlayer. They're annoying and are ruining society.

But none are more annoying and are ruining society more than the complete tool who talks over the end credits on Sky One programmes. I believe his name is Talky Billy. It's bad enough that I've got to put up with Iggy Pop selling me car insurance during Battlestar Galactica, but then to have this chirpy, hey I'm your friend, cock trying to make me watch something completely inappropriate just irks me real bad.

There is absolutely no pause once the programme's finished. The closing seconds have not even left the screen on 24 when the jovial arse starts spouting his annoying crap:

"Before you go and see Gran Torino, see a slightly less craggy Clint getting "In the Line of Fire" available now on Anytime TV as paart of the Clint Eastwood week on Sky Movies Modern Greats."

First of all, Talky Billy, I'm not going to see Gran Torino. Second of all, even if I was, why would I want to watch a film with Clint Eastwood in, simply because I'm going to see another film with Clint Eastwood in? I'd understand if it was a sequel or something. But it's not. I could just as easily watch the entire back catalogue of episodes of "Spenser: for Hire" as Brian Howe (who is also in Gran Torino) plays a cab driver in the 1988 episode Hawk's Eyes (Hawk of course played by Benjamin Sisko from Star Trek Deep Space Nine). But I won't. "Eeh, ah'm off tae see a film with the bloke from that other film, so ah'll watch that other film first!" Credit me with some form of freewill. I refuse to be that predictable.

So Talky Billy has already insulted me by suggesting that I might want to watch an old film. But we're not even halfway through the credits yet.

"So, next week it's a double episode of 24 as total Hollywood legend Jon Voight returns to [and here he gets particularly annoying] sti....ir it up."

Granted, knowing that it's a double episode is useful. But why tell me that Jon Voight returns? We're into episode eight or nine already. How many people, honestly, how many people does Talky Billy think there are that have watched this episode of 24 and were not going to watch the next but then changed their minds based on Talky Billy telling us that total Hollywood legend Jon Voight is going to be in it? None. It's not necessary.

When someone buys the boxed set DVD do they need some arse talking over the credits of each episode telling them what's coming up in the next episode otherwise they'll just never watch the next episode?? Do they???

Still a few seconds of the credits to go.

"And next tonight, while you're tucked up with your teddy bear, they're working the toughest shift of the lot. Brand new Night Cops."

And he paused a little bit just to make sure that his voice over lasted the exact length of the credits. Thirty seconds of my life completely ruined.

My anger is misdirected of course. It's not Talky Billy who is at fault here. Somewhere upstairs in Sky HQ is a fat cat sitting on his fat behind writing memos thinking what a great idea it is to have Talky Billy talking over the end credits (Fat Cat Frankie I think his name is). And he'll have got a six figure bonus because of it. And because the media is controlled by Rupert Murdoch we never get to hear about him, it's poor innocent bankers like Fred Goodwin who get vilified and poor defenseless Peter Mandelson who gets custard thrown on him.

But I won't be swayed by Fat Cat Frankie. I shall keep watching the end credits, saluting each and every brave soul who has put their heart into making this programme. I might turn the sound down though.

Hustle

I have surprised myself dear readers. Having cleared down some old episodes of Lost Series 3 from my sky plus box a few weeks ago I decided to record some random stuff. Fringe and Breaking Bad, both on the recommendation of Mickey. Both have been deleted after watching 2 episodes of each. One a sci-fi step too far for me, the other just depressing. I also took the liberty of recording BBC1's Hustle. This was against my better judgement.
A. It was recommended by everyone's favourite compliance accountant and good friend of this column/blog, Cuddles.
B. It stars Matt di Angelo and Robert Vaughan, neither of whom have entertained me greatly in the past 37 years

I am now a huge Hustle fan. I find myself reading old plot lines on Wikipedia and am scouring Amazon and E Bay for DVD box sets of Series 1-4. I don't know why I like it so much. It's ok, the storylines have holes the size of my guns in them and the acting is hardly RSC standard but it is strangely addictive. Maybe the Benton Bag lady can help me with this conundrum???

Heroes The Next Generation

You wouldn't believe how busy I've been. You see, when I got back from holiday it turned out that I had only 3% free on my Sky + box which meant that I had to spend all of November and December catching up.

Obviously over Christmas all good television stopped, so I would have been able to write stuff then, but I had git loads of work to do.

I'm now having a week's holiday involving me trying to tidy my house and catching up with a lot of television.

So last night I got a chance to watch episode 13 of series 3 (or episode 1 of season 3b if you like that sort of thing) of Heroes.

Had I been able to get off my lazy behind and blog over the last couple of months I would have registered my moderate displeasure at the whole first half of series three. It was all fairly ropey. Confused, too many things happening, uncertain motivations, what Arthur Petrelli's powers actually were, Sylar turning good then turning bad again, it was generally poor.

So the new thing started and it all just looks like the same characters going through the motions. Honestly, in series one Sylar was exciting and evil and a great character. When I saw Sylar in last night's episode I just felt tired.

It seems as though each series of Heroes has become like an episode of Star Trek. No matter what happens in the episode (series) at the end of it, it'll all be back to normal. Unless they're planning something different in the next thirteen episodes, series four will start off with the same core characters doing the same old stuff.

The likes of Lost, BSG, hell even Prison Break, have an ongoing story line throughout the whole of the show's run. And while it can be a little frustrating when you're watching early episodes of Lost where all you want to do is find out what's in the hatch and they're trying to fob you off with yet another episode exploring Jack's relationship with his Dad, you can forgive them when every episode now seems to genuinely force the story ahead to a conclusion.

With Heroes, no matter happens I feel as though the story is being pushed towards a conclusion which will involve some disappointing showdown where they all get involved, maybe Sylar will be a goodie this time, maybe a baddie, and at the end of it it'll all be back to normal ready for the next episode.

Maybe series 4 will be the Chinatown episode, where Peter, Matt and Sylar have to help a young couple who own a shop fight some unscrupulous gangsters who want to knock the shop down for a new hotel, meanwhile Clare and Nathan Petrelli get trapped on the holodeck by Professor Moriarty and Hiro falls in love with another woman who's about to die.

Hello there

HAPPY NEW YEAR dear readers. Mickey and Davie are back. Yes baby, just like the great 80's pop band Spandau Ballet, Mickey and I have put pur differences behind us, decided on a fair 50/50 split on the royalties for this column and are now in serious training for what promises to be a very exciting 2009. Forget the troubled economic times my friends. Don't worry about quantitive easing, it's all about 24, The Shield, Lost, Damages, The Bill and the last 5 episodes of Prison Break. Starting from tomorrow as I am bit tired now and am heading off to bed.

PS Big thanks to Cuddles for masterminding our comeback - without you big man - none of this would have been written.

What has Mickey been up to?

You see, what happened was, it was like October, right? And I was all ready to write something about the Saturday night More 4 drama John Adams. So I turned on my television to watch an episode so that it could inspire words to come out of my brain and onto the screen, when I accidentally caught a glimpse of Hole In The Wall.

The shock put me in a coma for the past four weeks.

Not really! I've just been really lazy and I've been on holiday! Yes. And here is what I did on my holiday:

I went to South Africa. I saw some animals. I had a turbulent flight where I thought I would die, but I didn't. I met a couple of girls in Cape Town who took me to a late bar, but I was getting tired, so I made my excuses and left.

And that is what I did on my holiday.

Can I just take this opportunity to apologise to anyone and everyone who has read this blog and may read about this blog in the future, in respect of my earlier comment about being in a coma. It was in very poor taste, it was not at all funny, and I did not mean to offend anyone who may themselves be in a coma or may know someone or know of someone who is in a coma.

For this reason, I have decided to resign immediately from Mickey and Davie's TV Rant. Everyone has my sincere and very sincere apologies. I would like to ask you all now one last favour. Please leave Davie alone. It wasn't his fault that I wrote those things. Yes, he may have been sitting in the background goading me, but I'm the one what wrote them words.

Please stop this constant media hounding of a basically good man, misguided yes, a little stupid maybe, but a decent man nonetheless who only ever wanted to make people happy, to make the world smile. A fundamentally caring man can no longer step outside of his house to take his dog for a walk without being hounded by at least three photographers clammering for a shot of his shattered tearstained eyes, his face betraying the guilt of a man who knows he made a stupid mistake.

Instead, these people should go round Jeremy Clarkson's house, because those things he said about truck drivers were unforgiveable. Traitor!! Terrorist!!! Kill him!! etc.

I am really enjoying John Adams though.