How Dare They

I would have posted long long before now, but for the fact that there is nothing on television.

Just a few weeks ago my Sky plus box was close to full capacity. There was BSG, Lost, Mad Men, Apprentice, Doctor Who, Heroes, Reaper (which I quite enjoyed), Pushing Daisies (which I didn't enjoy but felt as though I had to stick it out to the end), Peep Show etc. I had lots to watch. Life was good.

Now there's only Who and Heroes, and they're both finishing next week. My Sky plus box is empty. This is why Big Brother is popular. It's the only thing on television.

But my main reason for writing today is not to complain about the lack of television. It is to inform our many many fans of one of the most extraordinary shows I have ever seen.

I am talking of course about Who Dares Sings, on ITV on Saturday night.

I turned over by accident last Saturday during takeaway night at Mickey's, and was accosted by Ben Shephard and Denise van Outen asking the audience to all sing We Are Family. The audience were ecstatic, punching the air, grabbing their microphones and clapping like the hundred goons that they are.

Then the song started, and they all stood up, all swinging their shoulders and arms in time to the music (I believe this is called dancing) holding the microphones like they're proper singers, and belting the words out like they've been shot full of some hallucinogenic drug that makes them think they're Meat Loaf.

Denise is going round the audience with her own microphone, grabbing on to people and singing with them as though this is the way that humanity acts all the time. Gawping at the camera and emphasising the words to show that these particular audience members that she has just met are in fact all of her sisters that she has got with her.

Ben's at the front looking a little awkward seeing a hundred wild eyed audience members bellowing out Sister Sledge at him, but even he's still giving it plenty of beans.

No one in the audience seemed to have any self awareness. There was no one on the sidelines looking a little bit sheepish, a little bit shy. Everyone was giving it absolutely everything they had. None of the participants seemed to have any concept of embarrassment, shame or regret.

God. It was excrutiating. I've never been so ashamed, embarrassed, shocked, disturbed. I'm not ITV's biggest fan, but my life! This was an abomination!

I'll definitely watch it again.

S4

Regular readers of Britains favourite TV review blog will know that Mickey and Davie always try and please their loyal fans. Our motto was always deliver the goods and keep going until they are satisfied. So to tip our hat towards our cousins in Wales and following on from a request from M&DTVR fave "wickie" I spent 30 minutes watching Come Dine with me on S4c this afternoon. You will be pleased to know that it is as crap in Welsh as it is in English. I have grown weary of Come Dine with me. I used to think it was entertainment. Then I stopped and had a good hard look at myself. Why am I watching other people cook and have dinner ?? I do that myself every night. I know how to cook. How to eat. How to converse. So what can I possibly learn from this dross ? As from today, Saturday 12 th June 2008, there will be no more Come Dine with me. It is time to clean my TV cupboards and throw out those programmes that I think maybe one day I will watch. This is ruthless Davie signing off and deciding what to do with 7 hours of "Dirt" on sky plus.

Large male sibling

So, first things first. Apprentice final this week.

Last week, Lucinda left. Boo. Bad luck Benton Bag Lady. If Lucinda had won you'd have won the special prize which was going to be a £2.50 book token or something.

Alex Wotherspoon and his sly sneaky, grassy, "Ooh ooh Sir Alan, Sir! Lucinda said she didn't want your job! Fire her, Sir Alan, Sir!" What an utter tool. He'll probably win, the smug, self-admiring, own-cheek-sucking, death-threat-receiving knob.

Then there's Lee McQueen with his unforgivable spelling and unforgivable lies. In my profession, (yes ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional), lies in the CV mean the end of the road. Much as I like Lee and want him to win, I'd have fired him there and then.

Then there's Helene who seems to have kept her place simply because she didn't get the sack from her old job.

And finally Clare who I used to hate, but now just dislike.

So, yes. Lee to win, then Clare, then Helene, then the knob. If the knob wins, I won't run naked round the streets of Newcastle, but I might step into my back garden in my underpants.

And so onto Big Brother. Once Davie's and my favourite reality television programme. Now an annual parade of utter cack.

I think it was during the opening night of Big Brother 7 that I discovered what an utter tool I'd been for watching so many past series. It was when a rat faced ponce with a large ego, named "Sezer" strutted down the stairs into the house, and before going through the inner door, looked directly into the camera and said something about the house going to be "Sezer's Palace". Do you see? Like Caesar's Palace! I think he may also have said "Recognise" but I may be wrong. Even if I live to the time humanity attains immortality I will never see anything more obnoxious on television or in real life. It made those stage show kids from Emu's Pink Windmill Show look like Alan Bennett.

This vicious ratfaced man had come close to ruining television forever. I didn't see the rest of that series. I stopped watching television for six months in protest. "Sezer's Palace recognise"? Sometimes I find myself at home feeling sort of okay but knowing that there's something wrong, something bothering me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Then after I've thought about it, I remember. Sezer's Palace. Recognise.

My favourites in this series are Kathreya, the hilariously over the top Thai massage therapist who loves her cookies! Dennis, the fabulously over the top Edinburgh dance student teacher who loves his things! And Rebecca, the wonderfully over the top Coventry nursery nurse who loves her Hanson! Great personalities. Great people. Great television!

More please Channel 4! How about for Big Brother 10 a champion of champions. I for one would be fascinated to see Cameron and Craig in a house together! Which one will Kate Lawler fall for!??

Sorry everyone. I'll stop now.

Lost

Great pun in the previous title Michael. Well readers I have to tell you how much I have enjoyed Lost. It is a long time since I was on the edge of my seat and last nights finale got me as close as anything I can remember. Now I have to wait another 7 months before the next series - can we not get this made a bit quicker JJ Abrams and your cohorts??

And good old Michael is out of the Apprentice - I would have like to see him squirm under the interview panel's scrutiny but I enjoyed seeing his smug face turn when Sugar booted him out. I thought Helene was going but I think whilst she may be hopeless she actually wants the job and therefore I have a soft spot for her. But clearly Lee is going to win.

I have borrowed Series 3 of the Wire from Mickey. But dear friends that is not comedy. I need some comedy in my TV routine if I am to overcome this feeling of melancholy.