Apprentice Series Five. Pick Your Winner

Finally, the wait is over. The Apprentice is back on Wednesday. But more importantly, this sees the return of the most popular no prized competition in the history of humanity. Yes. It's time for this year's Mickey and Davie's TV Rant's Who Is Going To Win The Apprentice (Based Purely On Appearance Remember) competition.

And here are the fifteen we've got to choose from:

Over the past few days I've been collecting initial entries from people I've seen in real life. Anyone who still reads this rubbish and who wants to join in the fun (and believe me, it really is a whole lot of fun) feel free to leave a comment and I'll make sure your entry is logged. Please remember though, there are no prizes, and if you leave your comment after the first episode has aired then your vote won't count and you may still be charged.

I myself thought long and hard before deciding on my winner. Last year I incorrectly thought it was going to be Jenny Celeriac (or whatever her name is). I should have realised that it was a mistake seeing as I've got some sort of intolerence with all things that begin with celer-. (It's not an allergy, but believe me, it's still very unpleasant).

But this year, I still think it's going to be a lady, and I'm going for the one on the right at the front with the big curly hair.

She'll annoy me, and I'll not want her to win, but Sir Alan will like her no nonsense in your face attitude and her inability to recognise her own weaknesses.

Davie has decided to go for James. He's the blokey on the far right, next to the beauty queen. He looks a bit too smug for my liking. A little bit cocky. I don't like him myself.

Last year, Mrs Davie went for Kevin, the Matt Lucas lookalike who I think may have been the most incompetent man on television. His incompetence was only matched by his lack of self-awareness. As a result, Mrs Davie will not be choosing this year. Last year's shame still hurts.

Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP usually picks the one who is first out. And by picking Lorraine, I think he'll keep up his losing streak. Yes, she's wearing glasses, but so did Andy in series 3, and we know what happened to him.

Young Joe, Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP's son, is a bit of a ladies man, and has gone for Kate, while his mother (who likes to keep things local) has gone for Philip, an Estate Agent from Co Durham.




Finally, to Stannaz and Mrs Stannaz. Stannaz and I think alike (apart from Stannaz being a huge fan of all things beginning with celer-). He's gone for Paula, like me. His wife, Mrs Stannaz is a big fan of sandwiches, Middlesbrough and boxing films and so has gone for Rocky, the sandwich chain owner from Teesside.

So there you have it. Possibly the dullest thing I've ever written, although look back over the past couple of years worth of ramblings and you may be able to find an entry that will prove me wrong.

End credits

One of the things I like to do when watching a television programme is watch the end credits all the way through. I've enjoyed the programme therefore I shall honour the makers by reading their names. It's something I've done for years. That way I know that Sid Sutton did the theme music arrangement on Doctor Who during Tom Baker's last season, and while I don't know what Mykola Pawluk actually does, I do know that that particular individual has worked on lots of television programmes since my childhood.

Credits of course are normally ruined these days by continuity announcers telling us what's on next and what's on BBC2 and what's on BBC3, and what's on the iPlayer. They're annoying and are ruining society.

But none are more annoying and are ruining society more than the complete tool who talks over the end credits on Sky One programmes. I believe his name is Talky Billy. It's bad enough that I've got to put up with Iggy Pop selling me car insurance during Battlestar Galactica, but then to have this chirpy, hey I'm your friend, cock trying to make me watch something completely inappropriate just irks me real bad.

There is absolutely no pause once the programme's finished. The closing seconds have not even left the screen on 24 when the jovial arse starts spouting his annoying crap:

"Before you go and see Gran Torino, see a slightly less craggy Clint getting "In the Line of Fire" available now on Anytime TV as paart of the Clint Eastwood week on Sky Movies Modern Greats."

First of all, Talky Billy, I'm not going to see Gran Torino. Second of all, even if I was, why would I want to watch a film with Clint Eastwood in, simply because I'm going to see another film with Clint Eastwood in? I'd understand if it was a sequel or something. But it's not. I could just as easily watch the entire back catalogue of episodes of "Spenser: for Hire" as Brian Howe (who is also in Gran Torino) plays a cab driver in the 1988 episode Hawk's Eyes (Hawk of course played by Benjamin Sisko from Star Trek Deep Space Nine). But I won't. "Eeh, ah'm off tae see a film with the bloke from that other film, so ah'll watch that other film first!" Credit me with some form of freewill. I refuse to be that predictable.

So Talky Billy has already insulted me by suggesting that I might want to watch an old film. But we're not even halfway through the credits yet.

"So, next week it's a double episode of 24 as total Hollywood legend Jon Voight returns to [and here he gets particularly annoying] sti....ir it up."

Granted, knowing that it's a double episode is useful. But why tell me that Jon Voight returns? We're into episode eight or nine already. How many people, honestly, how many people does Talky Billy think there are that have watched this episode of 24 and were not going to watch the next but then changed their minds based on Talky Billy telling us that total Hollywood legend Jon Voight is going to be in it? None. It's not necessary.

When someone buys the boxed set DVD do they need some arse talking over the credits of each episode telling them what's coming up in the next episode otherwise they'll just never watch the next episode?? Do they???

Still a few seconds of the credits to go.

"And next tonight, while you're tucked up with your teddy bear, they're working the toughest shift of the lot. Brand new Night Cops."

And he paused a little bit just to make sure that his voice over lasted the exact length of the credits. Thirty seconds of my life completely ruined.

My anger is misdirected of course. It's not Talky Billy who is at fault here. Somewhere upstairs in Sky HQ is a fat cat sitting on his fat behind writing memos thinking what a great idea it is to have Talky Billy talking over the end credits (Fat Cat Frankie I think his name is). And he'll have got a six figure bonus because of it. And because the media is controlled by Rupert Murdoch we never get to hear about him, it's poor innocent bankers like Fred Goodwin who get vilified and poor defenseless Peter Mandelson who gets custard thrown on him.

But I won't be swayed by Fat Cat Frankie. I shall keep watching the end credits, saluting each and every brave soul who has put their heart into making this programme. I might turn the sound down though.