Hello. Hello. Is there anyone out there??

Hey dear readers and loyal fans. I can only apologise for the lack of posting in recent days/weeks/months. There is no excuse for it. But to be honest it got really busy with a lot of good TV coming to an end at the same time and Mickey and I had to say our goodbyes to favourites like ER, The Shield and Mickey's personal favourite, Prison Break. Quite how they managed to stretch that into a fourth series and then a made for TV film I will never know - but I hope they guy that persuaded the TV station to buy it was given a generous bonus.

So what are we watching over the summer?? I am resisting the temptation to watch old episodes of the Bill on Alibi (tho I am very excited about the new-look Bill with HD and music and stuff) and have been watching the first series of Big Bang Theory on DVD and Masterchef. Now if any of our readers ever lie awake at night wondering what Mickey from Mickey and Davies TV rant looks and acts like - maybe you should be watching Big Bang as well...................

Great to be back.

Apprentice Series Five. Pick Your Winner

Finally, the wait is over. The Apprentice is back on Wednesday. But more importantly, this sees the return of the most popular no prized competition in the history of humanity. Yes. It's time for this year's Mickey and Davie's TV Rant's Who Is Going To Win The Apprentice (Based Purely On Appearance Remember) competition.

And here are the fifteen we've got to choose from:

Over the past few days I've been collecting initial entries from people I've seen in real life. Anyone who still reads this rubbish and who wants to join in the fun (and believe me, it really is a whole lot of fun) feel free to leave a comment and I'll make sure your entry is logged. Please remember though, there are no prizes, and if you leave your comment after the first episode has aired then your vote won't count and you may still be charged.

I myself thought long and hard before deciding on my winner. Last year I incorrectly thought it was going to be Jenny Celeriac (or whatever her name is). I should have realised that it was a mistake seeing as I've got some sort of intolerence with all things that begin with celer-. (It's not an allergy, but believe me, it's still very unpleasant).

But this year, I still think it's going to be a lady, and I'm going for the one on the right at the front with the big curly hair.

She'll annoy me, and I'll not want her to win, but Sir Alan will like her no nonsense in your face attitude and her inability to recognise her own weaknesses.

Davie has decided to go for James. He's the blokey on the far right, next to the beauty queen. He looks a bit too smug for my liking. A little bit cocky. I don't like him myself.

Last year, Mrs Davie went for Kevin, the Matt Lucas lookalike who I think may have been the most incompetent man on television. His incompetence was only matched by his lack of self-awareness. As a result, Mrs Davie will not be choosing this year. Last year's shame still hurts.

Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP usually picks the one who is first out. And by picking Lorraine, I think he'll keep up his losing streak. Yes, she's wearing glasses, but so did Andy in series 3, and we know what happened to him.

Young Joe, Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP's son, is a bit of a ladies man, and has gone for Kate, while his mother (who likes to keep things local) has gone for Philip, an Estate Agent from Co Durham.




Finally, to Stannaz and Mrs Stannaz. Stannaz and I think alike (apart from Stannaz being a huge fan of all things beginning with celer-). He's gone for Paula, like me. His wife, Mrs Stannaz is a big fan of sandwiches, Middlesbrough and boxing films and so has gone for Rocky, the sandwich chain owner from Teesside.

So there you have it. Possibly the dullest thing I've ever written, although look back over the past couple of years worth of ramblings and you may be able to find an entry that will prove me wrong.

End credits

One of the things I like to do when watching a television programme is watch the end credits all the way through. I've enjoyed the programme therefore I shall honour the makers by reading their names. It's something I've done for years. That way I know that Sid Sutton did the theme music arrangement on Doctor Who during Tom Baker's last season, and while I don't know what Mykola Pawluk actually does, I do know that that particular individual has worked on lots of television programmes since my childhood.

Credits of course are normally ruined these days by continuity announcers telling us what's on next and what's on BBC2 and what's on BBC3, and what's on the iPlayer. They're annoying and are ruining society.

But none are more annoying and are ruining society more than the complete tool who talks over the end credits on Sky One programmes. I believe his name is Talky Billy. It's bad enough that I've got to put up with Iggy Pop selling me car insurance during Battlestar Galactica, but then to have this chirpy, hey I'm your friend, cock trying to make me watch something completely inappropriate just irks me real bad.

There is absolutely no pause once the programme's finished. The closing seconds have not even left the screen on 24 when the jovial arse starts spouting his annoying crap:

"Before you go and see Gran Torino, see a slightly less craggy Clint getting "In the Line of Fire" available now on Anytime TV as paart of the Clint Eastwood week on Sky Movies Modern Greats."

First of all, Talky Billy, I'm not going to see Gran Torino. Second of all, even if I was, why would I want to watch a film with Clint Eastwood in, simply because I'm going to see another film with Clint Eastwood in? I'd understand if it was a sequel or something. But it's not. I could just as easily watch the entire back catalogue of episodes of "Spenser: for Hire" as Brian Howe (who is also in Gran Torino) plays a cab driver in the 1988 episode Hawk's Eyes (Hawk of course played by Benjamin Sisko from Star Trek Deep Space Nine). But I won't. "Eeh, ah'm off tae see a film with the bloke from that other film, so ah'll watch that other film first!" Credit me with some form of freewill. I refuse to be that predictable.

So Talky Billy has already insulted me by suggesting that I might want to watch an old film. But we're not even halfway through the credits yet.

"So, next week it's a double episode of 24 as total Hollywood legend Jon Voight returns to [and here he gets particularly annoying] sti....ir it up."

Granted, knowing that it's a double episode is useful. But why tell me that Jon Voight returns? We're into episode eight or nine already. How many people, honestly, how many people does Talky Billy think there are that have watched this episode of 24 and were not going to watch the next but then changed their minds based on Talky Billy telling us that total Hollywood legend Jon Voight is going to be in it? None. It's not necessary.

When someone buys the boxed set DVD do they need some arse talking over the credits of each episode telling them what's coming up in the next episode otherwise they'll just never watch the next episode?? Do they???

Still a few seconds of the credits to go.

"And next tonight, while you're tucked up with your teddy bear, they're working the toughest shift of the lot. Brand new Night Cops."

And he paused a little bit just to make sure that his voice over lasted the exact length of the credits. Thirty seconds of my life completely ruined.

My anger is misdirected of course. It's not Talky Billy who is at fault here. Somewhere upstairs in Sky HQ is a fat cat sitting on his fat behind writing memos thinking what a great idea it is to have Talky Billy talking over the end credits (Fat Cat Frankie I think his name is). And he'll have got a six figure bonus because of it. And because the media is controlled by Rupert Murdoch we never get to hear about him, it's poor innocent bankers like Fred Goodwin who get vilified and poor defenseless Peter Mandelson who gets custard thrown on him.

But I won't be swayed by Fat Cat Frankie. I shall keep watching the end credits, saluting each and every brave soul who has put their heart into making this programme. I might turn the sound down though.

Hustle

I have surprised myself dear readers. Having cleared down some old episodes of Lost Series 3 from my sky plus box a few weeks ago I decided to record some random stuff. Fringe and Breaking Bad, both on the recommendation of Mickey. Both have been deleted after watching 2 episodes of each. One a sci-fi step too far for me, the other just depressing. I also took the liberty of recording BBC1's Hustle. This was against my better judgement.
A. It was recommended by everyone's favourite compliance accountant and good friend of this column/blog, Cuddles.
B. It stars Matt di Angelo and Robert Vaughan, neither of whom have entertained me greatly in the past 37 years

I am now a huge Hustle fan. I find myself reading old plot lines on Wikipedia and am scouring Amazon and E Bay for DVD box sets of Series 1-4. I don't know why I like it so much. It's ok, the storylines have holes the size of my guns in them and the acting is hardly RSC standard but it is strangely addictive. Maybe the Benton Bag lady can help me with this conundrum???

Heroes The Next Generation

You wouldn't believe how busy I've been. You see, when I got back from holiday it turned out that I had only 3% free on my Sky + box which meant that I had to spend all of November and December catching up.

Obviously over Christmas all good television stopped, so I would have been able to write stuff then, but I had git loads of work to do.

I'm now having a week's holiday involving me trying to tidy my house and catching up with a lot of television.

So last night I got a chance to watch episode 13 of series 3 (or episode 1 of season 3b if you like that sort of thing) of Heroes.

Had I been able to get off my lazy behind and blog over the last couple of months I would have registered my moderate displeasure at the whole first half of series three. It was all fairly ropey. Confused, too many things happening, uncertain motivations, what Arthur Petrelli's powers actually were, Sylar turning good then turning bad again, it was generally poor.

So the new thing started and it all just looks like the same characters going through the motions. Honestly, in series one Sylar was exciting and evil and a great character. When I saw Sylar in last night's episode I just felt tired.

It seems as though each series of Heroes has become like an episode of Star Trek. No matter what happens in the episode (series) at the end of it, it'll all be back to normal. Unless they're planning something different in the next thirteen episodes, series four will start off with the same core characters doing the same old stuff.

The likes of Lost, BSG, hell even Prison Break, have an ongoing story line throughout the whole of the show's run. And while it can be a little frustrating when you're watching early episodes of Lost where all you want to do is find out what's in the hatch and they're trying to fob you off with yet another episode exploring Jack's relationship with his Dad, you can forgive them when every episode now seems to genuinely force the story ahead to a conclusion.

With Heroes, no matter happens I feel as though the story is being pushed towards a conclusion which will involve some disappointing showdown where they all get involved, maybe Sylar will be a goodie this time, maybe a baddie, and at the end of it it'll all be back to normal ready for the next episode.

Maybe series 4 will be the Chinatown episode, where Peter, Matt and Sylar have to help a young couple who own a shop fight some unscrupulous gangsters who want to knock the shop down for a new hotel, meanwhile Clare and Nathan Petrelli get trapped on the holodeck by Professor Moriarty and Hiro falls in love with another woman who's about to die.

Hello there

HAPPY NEW YEAR dear readers. Mickey and Davie are back. Yes baby, just like the great 80's pop band Spandau Ballet, Mickey and I have put pur differences behind us, decided on a fair 50/50 split on the royalties for this column and are now in serious training for what promises to be a very exciting 2009. Forget the troubled economic times my friends. Don't worry about quantitive easing, it's all about 24, The Shield, Lost, Damages, The Bill and the last 5 episodes of Prison Break. Starting from tomorrow as I am bit tired now and am heading off to bed.

PS Big thanks to Cuddles for masterminding our comeback - without you big man - none of this would have been written.

What has Mickey been up to?

You see, what happened was, it was like October, right? And I was all ready to write something about the Saturday night More 4 drama John Adams. So I turned on my television to watch an episode so that it could inspire words to come out of my brain and onto the screen, when I accidentally caught a glimpse of Hole In The Wall.

The shock put me in a coma for the past four weeks.

Not really! I've just been really lazy and I've been on holiday! Yes. And here is what I did on my holiday:

I went to South Africa. I saw some animals. I had a turbulent flight where I thought I would die, but I didn't. I met a couple of girls in Cape Town who took me to a late bar, but I was getting tired, so I made my excuses and left.

And that is what I did on my holiday.

Can I just take this opportunity to apologise to anyone and everyone who has read this blog and may read about this blog in the future, in respect of my earlier comment about being in a coma. It was in very poor taste, it was not at all funny, and I did not mean to offend anyone who may themselves be in a coma or may know someone or know of someone who is in a coma.

For this reason, I have decided to resign immediately from Mickey and Davie's TV Rant. Everyone has my sincere and very sincere apologies. I would like to ask you all now one last favour. Please leave Davie alone. It wasn't his fault that I wrote those things. Yes, he may have been sitting in the background goading me, but I'm the one what wrote them words.

Please stop this constant media hounding of a basically good man, misguided yes, a little stupid maybe, but a decent man nonetheless who only ever wanted to make people happy, to make the world smile. A fundamentally caring man can no longer step outside of his house to take his dog for a walk without being hounded by at least three photographers clammering for a shot of his shattered tearstained eyes, his face betraying the guilt of a man who knows he made a stupid mistake.

Instead, these people should go round Jeremy Clarkson's house, because those things he said about truck drivers were unforgiveable. Traitor!! Terrorist!!! Kill him!! etc.

I am really enjoying John Adams though.

Wednesday nights

Ah I love Wednesday. Half of the week is over and of course at 8 pm there is tv gold in the form of the restaurant. I know, I know, it clashes with the Bill but record the Bill and watch it the way God intended , on a Sunday morning with a nice cup of coffee. Quite where they found this years candidates for the Restaurant, I have no idea. Did Raymond Blanc stand in the middle of a town with a billboard "dumbasess please come here and sign up for my new series"? There are now only 4 couples left - 2 who can win - the lad who wears purple and his "effervescent" mrs, and the couple that basically serve up home made food, serve it with a smile and then charge you restaurant prices. I like both couples and surely Raymond is only ever going to invest his money with one of these couples. Being the best couples means they are not as entertaining though. The entertainment now comes from James and Alistair. James is about 25 and can cook. However he is being portrayed as possibly the biggest bully since Adolf Hitler and his treatment of simpering Alistair has to be seen to be believed. They are describe as childhood friends. I can only assume that means James bullied Alastair at primary school and has decided to dedicate his life to perfecting that art. Alastair for his part is madly in love with James and clearly values any form of attention even if it is a sharp kick in the bollocks. In last weeks episode, Alastair had a mini-breakdown and conceivably was thinking of suicide as the dinner party they were catering for threatened to turn into a huge disaster. As he curled up in the corner sobbing his heart out, good old James was trying to perfect his Ali G routine by clicking his fingers and shouting "booyakasha" whilst at the same time dressing a tomato salad with a nice balsamic dressing. Tv gold my friends. Watch it.

Mickey is on holiday by the way. I might write some more tomorrow if I can be bothered.

Not really worth the wait

I turned on my television last night to see that my prayers had finally been answered. Suddenly here was a television show to do my 46" screen justice.

Move aside High Definition Dexter. Farewell The Restaurant. Sling your hook UKtv Drama repeats of Tom Baker era Doctor Who. There's a new show in town, and it is about to rock our world.

Ever since I gave up on the idea of 3-D television I've been a huge fan of old school variety. You know, a bit of a song here, a bit of a dance there, maybe a musical number, mixed up with some family friendly stand up, with a pretty lady showing a bit of leg singing a song for the Dads.

I've also been a big fan of Vernon Kay. The tall man from Bolton has long been a guarantee of quality early evening entertainment, Just The Two Of Us, Hit Me Baby One More Time, All Star Family Fortunes, that one where you've got to beat the celebrity. And his overplayed accent is priceless, reminiscent of Cilla on Blind Date.

But of course my favourite thing in the whole world is the outrageous Joan Rivers. Ever since she was introduced to me in her outrageous chat show Can We Talk? I've been fan of her outrageous comedy and the way she says outrageous things. Honestly, some of the things she says are outrageous!

Put them all together and you should have television gold. He's tall and a bit cheeky, she's outrageous and the things she says are outrageous, the sexual chemistry should be electric. Welcome to For One Night Only.

And yet, and yet. Somehow it didn't work. It all seemed a little contrived. When I found out that "The Jersey Boys" were going to be on, singing a special set of tunes especially for the television show, I could have cried with anticipation. But when they came on, it was all I could do to stop vomiting.

Was it too much of a good thing? It sort of reminded me of way back in 1993, when my three favourite things were Doctor Who, EastEnders and of course 3-D television. The special Doctor Who episode, Dimensions in Time, which had the Doctor, joining the cast of EastEnders, all filmed in 3-D seemed like the best television programme ever. It looked so good on paper. How could it fail? And yet, and yet.

Never mind July - what about August

Many apologies to what is left of our dwindling fan base for the lack of material to brighten your lives in the past few months. I too disgust myself. I have been so busy enjoying the great British summer to watch any TV. It has been one long string of beach parties, bbq's and surfboarding. Oh and I changed internet provider and it took a while to work. Good old sky.

Anyway -what has Davie been watching I hear you muse. Well of course my dear friends I have been watching the same old trite that I normally watch, Eastenders(ok), the Bill (brilliant as usual) and my old favourite Dragons Den is back. DD appears to have become a split camp between with Pete and his old mucker Theo on one side and dozy Dunc and the recruitment bloke on the other. All 4 are scared of Deborah so she does not need to take sides. If their is an investable proposition then Pete and Theo will outbid and outcharm Dunc and let's call the other bloke Jimmy. Time after time Dunc and Jimmy look really sad after being gazumped by Pete and Theo. Of course P&T do not always invest - when they do declare themselves out, it is great to see the look of delight on Duncs face. He will then make an offer which is often accepted but then he looks along the line to see P&T doubled up with laughter after seen him throw another £100k into a pointless venture. It is like watching a kitten drown - cruel but strangely you find yourself unable to turn away.

That's all for now - let's hope Mickey gets off his lazy backside and blogs soon

What happened to July?

Good grief. I didn't post in July. I disgust myself sometimes. What a nasty lazy layabout I am. I could vomit with shame.

Excuses? I wasn't on holiday. I haven't stopped watching television. My computer still works. I have no excuse other than my own pitiful crapness.

Anyway, enough about me. What about my new telly?

Yes. I've got a new telly. My old one broke. Three years into its life it decided to go all snowy, and I couldn't watch anything. So I've bought a new one. It's bigger and has that high definition thing and has a five year guarantee in case it decides to break in three years time.

And what have I been watching on my lovely new television?

Nothing really. Television has never been so bad.

When Dragons' Den is the highlight of the week, you know you're in trouble. First couple of series were great. All business and I'm not going to invest and it's a Den first and just so you know I'm out and remember if the hopefuls must receive an offer for all of the investment they ask for or they won't get anything and just so you know I'm out. Great stuff.

But it bores me now. It's all the same. Four main pitches, the first or second will receive an offer which may or may not be accepted. The third doesn't. The fourth does, often in a dramatic turn of events. You know it's a dramatic turn of events because Evan tells us. "In a dramatic turn of events..." he says. He'll follow it up by "It's a Den first."

One thing that has changed this series is that Peter Jones is no longer described as "One of Britain's best known entrepreneurs". What's that all about? Has he become less well known over the past twelve months? Or maybe he realised that it made him sound like a bit of a precious tool.

Dragons Den of course is not the best programme on television at the moment. That falls to Dexter on FX. I never got to see the first series until it was repeated on ITV a couple of months ago. Excellent stuff. It appears that FX is the only channel to actually show good drama at this time of year. It's also got the Wire. I'm not watching that though as I'm watching it on DVD and I'm only onto series 3.

I did try watching a couple of episodes of The Unit. It looks great on paper. David Mamet (Glengarry Glen Ross), Shawn Ryan (The Shield) as Executive Producers and sometimes writers, Dennis Haysbert (off of 24) as the main blokey, good supporting cast including that blokey from Terminator 2 and the later series of the X Files.

It was rubbish! How can the bloke who created the Shield have anything to do with this tripe? It's all husbands and wives arguing, and wives arguing with each other and husbands going off somewhere to shoot people and it ends with what can only be described as an unashamedly anti-French musical number which made me cringe more than the Apprentice.

Maybe I watched a bad episode, but come on! You wouldn't find Starbuck and Boomer singing anti-French songs on Battlestar Galactica.

F word on Channel 4

F word on Channel 4
Watched it
Nothing else on TV
Not since..
Heroes
Finished

Watch it again ?
No chance.
Conversing like this
My new style

How Dare They

I would have posted long long before now, but for the fact that there is nothing on television.

Just a few weeks ago my Sky plus box was close to full capacity. There was BSG, Lost, Mad Men, Apprentice, Doctor Who, Heroes, Reaper (which I quite enjoyed), Pushing Daisies (which I didn't enjoy but felt as though I had to stick it out to the end), Peep Show etc. I had lots to watch. Life was good.

Now there's only Who and Heroes, and they're both finishing next week. My Sky plus box is empty. This is why Big Brother is popular. It's the only thing on television.

But my main reason for writing today is not to complain about the lack of television. It is to inform our many many fans of one of the most extraordinary shows I have ever seen.

I am talking of course about Who Dares Sings, on ITV on Saturday night.

I turned over by accident last Saturday during takeaway night at Mickey's, and was accosted by Ben Shephard and Denise van Outen asking the audience to all sing We Are Family. The audience were ecstatic, punching the air, grabbing their microphones and clapping like the hundred goons that they are.

Then the song started, and they all stood up, all swinging their shoulders and arms in time to the music (I believe this is called dancing) holding the microphones like they're proper singers, and belting the words out like they've been shot full of some hallucinogenic drug that makes them think they're Meat Loaf.

Denise is going round the audience with her own microphone, grabbing on to people and singing with them as though this is the way that humanity acts all the time. Gawping at the camera and emphasising the words to show that these particular audience members that she has just met are in fact all of her sisters that she has got with her.

Ben's at the front looking a little awkward seeing a hundred wild eyed audience members bellowing out Sister Sledge at him, but even he's still giving it plenty of beans.

No one in the audience seemed to have any self awareness. There was no one on the sidelines looking a little bit sheepish, a little bit shy. Everyone was giving it absolutely everything they had. None of the participants seemed to have any concept of embarrassment, shame or regret.

God. It was excrutiating. I've never been so ashamed, embarrassed, shocked, disturbed. I'm not ITV's biggest fan, but my life! This was an abomination!

I'll definitely watch it again.

S4

Regular readers of Britains favourite TV review blog will know that Mickey and Davie always try and please their loyal fans. Our motto was always deliver the goods and keep going until they are satisfied. So to tip our hat towards our cousins in Wales and following on from a request from M&DTVR fave "wickie" I spent 30 minutes watching Come Dine with me on S4c this afternoon. You will be pleased to know that it is as crap in Welsh as it is in English. I have grown weary of Come Dine with me. I used to think it was entertainment. Then I stopped and had a good hard look at myself. Why am I watching other people cook and have dinner ?? I do that myself every night. I know how to cook. How to eat. How to converse. So what can I possibly learn from this dross ? As from today, Saturday 12 th June 2008, there will be no more Come Dine with me. It is time to clean my TV cupboards and throw out those programmes that I think maybe one day I will watch. This is ruthless Davie signing off and deciding what to do with 7 hours of "Dirt" on sky plus.

Large male sibling

So, first things first. Apprentice final this week.

Last week, Lucinda left. Boo. Bad luck Benton Bag Lady. If Lucinda had won you'd have won the special prize which was going to be a £2.50 book token or something.

Alex Wotherspoon and his sly sneaky, grassy, "Ooh ooh Sir Alan, Sir! Lucinda said she didn't want your job! Fire her, Sir Alan, Sir!" What an utter tool. He'll probably win, the smug, self-admiring, own-cheek-sucking, death-threat-receiving knob.

Then there's Lee McQueen with his unforgivable spelling and unforgivable lies. In my profession, (yes ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional), lies in the CV mean the end of the road. Much as I like Lee and want him to win, I'd have fired him there and then.

Then there's Helene who seems to have kept her place simply because she didn't get the sack from her old job.

And finally Clare who I used to hate, but now just dislike.

So, yes. Lee to win, then Clare, then Helene, then the knob. If the knob wins, I won't run naked round the streets of Newcastle, but I might step into my back garden in my underpants.

And so onto Big Brother. Once Davie's and my favourite reality television programme. Now an annual parade of utter cack.

I think it was during the opening night of Big Brother 7 that I discovered what an utter tool I'd been for watching so many past series. It was when a rat faced ponce with a large ego, named "Sezer" strutted down the stairs into the house, and before going through the inner door, looked directly into the camera and said something about the house going to be "Sezer's Palace". Do you see? Like Caesar's Palace! I think he may also have said "Recognise" but I may be wrong. Even if I live to the time humanity attains immortality I will never see anything more obnoxious on television or in real life. It made those stage show kids from Emu's Pink Windmill Show look like Alan Bennett.

This vicious ratfaced man had come close to ruining television forever. I didn't see the rest of that series. I stopped watching television for six months in protest. "Sezer's Palace recognise"? Sometimes I find myself at home feeling sort of okay but knowing that there's something wrong, something bothering me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Then after I've thought about it, I remember. Sezer's Palace. Recognise.

My favourites in this series are Kathreya, the hilariously over the top Thai massage therapist who loves her cookies! Dennis, the fabulously over the top Edinburgh dance student teacher who loves his things! And Rebecca, the wonderfully over the top Coventry nursery nurse who loves her Hanson! Great personalities. Great people. Great television!

More please Channel 4! How about for Big Brother 10 a champion of champions. I for one would be fascinated to see Cameron and Craig in a house together! Which one will Kate Lawler fall for!??

Sorry everyone. I'll stop now.

Lost

Great pun in the previous title Michael. Well readers I have to tell you how much I have enjoyed Lost. It is a long time since I was on the edge of my seat and last nights finale got me as close as anything I can remember. Now I have to wait another 7 months before the next series - can we not get this made a bit quicker JJ Abrams and your cohorts??

And good old Michael is out of the Apprentice - I would have like to see him squirm under the interview panel's scrutiny but I enjoyed seeing his smug face turn when Sugar booted him out. I thought Helene was going but I think whilst she may be hopeless she actually wants the job and therefore I have a soft spot for her. But clearly Lee is going to win.

I have borrowed Series 3 of the Wire from Mickey. But dear friends that is not comedy. I need some comedy in my TV routine if I am to overcome this feeling of melancholy.

Sommers over

Yes, just like Davie says, apologies and all that. I know I've let you down, and I don't want to beg, but please, I'm begging you, please, just give me one more chance. Just one more chance! I promise you I won't let you down again.

And like the soft hearted puppy that is Sir Alan Sugar, you accept my doe eyed monotone shameless entreaties and read on, knowing in your heart of hearts that it's just going to be the same old rubbish about cookery programmes and Battlestar Galactica.

It was on for only eight episodes, it finished its UK run a couple of weeks ago and it starred that Zoe Slater lass off of EastEnders. I am of course referring to the Bionic Woman.

It was a reimagining of a seventies classic, a bit like that programme I like, what's it called again? Yes, Battlestar Galactica.

In many ways it was similar to BSG (as I like to call it). One of the producers was David Eick (whoever he is). Katie Sackhoff was a supporting cast member playing a slightly disturbed tough girl. Erm, the font used in some of the titles looked similar and plots revolved around things happening involving people.

So far, so good. They were ticking all the right boxes.

Unfortunately, they forgot about one thing when making the Bionic Woman. They forgot to make it good. Or to put it another way, they forgot to not make it crap.

You see, where Battlestar Galactica is written so that it is interesting and keeps your attention, Bionic Woman was written so that it was not interesting and doesn't keep your attention. It's an easy mistake to make.

And who's the real fool? The US writer who thought that weak, unimaginative storylines with no surprises would do in this day and age (I believe I should refer to phenomena such as the myspace generation and "Youtube" at this point)? Or me for sitting through eight episodes of poor television knowing that it had been cancelled for being not very good?

The answer of course is Apprentice cock Michael Sophocles for not knowing what kosher means despite being half-Jewish. If he doesn't get fired in the next two weeks I shall walk naked through the streets of Newcastle in protest.

Here we go again

Many apologies dear readers blah blah blah. I know it appears that we have lost interest in you. Well for a brief moment we did but after a heart rendering late night chat over the washing up on Saturday night, Mickey and Davie are back. Well, Davie is. Mickey might be back tomorrow.

What is good - the Apprentice remains my favourite current programme. I am glad my pick, the ginger one has gone. Never have I not wanted to win as much. What a terrible human being she appears to be. I am loving Raef and warming to fat Clare. Lee McQueen strikes me as a bit dim but likable and I would like to see him do well. The small squat, Michael, I believe he is called must go next. To classify people who would not pay £600 for a fairy cake from a pushy middle-class first class a-hole like him as "dum-dums" was a step too far for me. And is 1977 0 who uses the phrase "dum-dum" anymore??. Right I have to go for my tea now - more ramblings on Wednesday my friends. Keep the faith.

Bad Mickey

I haven't posted in weeks. It's very bad, and like Davie in his last post, I am apologising to you, our many dear readers. Here's a selection of ramblings to make you wish I'd not bothered.

There's a lot of good television at the moment. It's difficult to find fault!

Yes, there are the adverts for mobile phone networks which have got nothing to do with mobile phones, and seem to say that buying a mobile phone will allow you to live in a world of teddy bears, or that buying a mobile phone will make you part of a gang of utter tools who have nothing better to do than pretend to make a rainbow with some coloured material.

And there's the advert for Loyd Grossman food products which in summary says "Buy the Loyd Grossman food product because Loyd Grossman talks with an unusual accent which people imitate." Who cares that it might taste like burnt sick*, listen to the way he says things!! It's unusual!

* I've not tried it but I'm sure it doesn't

At least they're better than that godawful one with the gorilla playing the drums. Eeh, it's so good. Look at the gorilla playing the drums!! Looka! He's playing the drums!! Buy our choccy cos the monkey's on the drums!! What's that all about? And it's not as if he's playing anything cool. He's playing Phil Collins! Phil Collins the man who decided it would be a good idea to do a cover version of the Cyndi Lauper whine-a-thon "True Colo(u)rs" and that all he cared about was that there would have to be lots of children in the video. Not exactly Pete Doherty.

So, the Apprentice. There are some hateful people in it this year. Out of the initial sixteen, only four of them seem to have any sense of humanity about them. The rest are vicious back-stabbing hateful blame throwing buckpassing egotistical delusional cocks.

Of the final eleven, I only have respect for Lucinda, Raef and LeeMcQueen. The other eight are all trying to be a cross between Hopkins (the nasty one from last year - don't get me started on her, seriously) and Ruth "Ruth Badger off of the Apprentice" Badger.

Alex, obviously, is a weasely (sp?) Jason Orange wannabe who spends all the task working out what is going wrong and making sure that someone else can be blamed for it.

My pick (see one of the posts below, the only mistake I've made so far this year), Jennifer, has not a shred of humanity within her cold cold soul. All she knows is how utterly brilliant she is at selling. And she's completely humourless.

Whenever Jenny, Davie's pick, speaks up for someone nasty, or belittles someone nice, she does it with such passionate monotony she dirties my soul. Kittens die when she smiles.

But the worst is Claire. Plain speaking Claire. No nonsense Claire. Ruth Badger wannabe Claire. Me me me Claire. Last night she cried as she won her task through bad planning, complacency, panic and luck. But if you'd tasted those tears, readers, you would have died. Pure poison.

So there you have it, a summary of all that is great about British television. Come back in another four weeks for another bunch of stuff about how I don't watch Britain's Got Talent and my thoughts on the advert from a few months ago where Pierce Brosnan tells gentlemen everywhere that they are indeed worth it.

Bad Davie

Many apologies dear readers. It has been too long etc. Since you last enjoyed my sideways glance at life, I have become a huge fan of Mad Men. It is on BBC4 and I rarely watch BBC4. But Mad Men is top notch Sunday night entertainment. The funny thing is that not a lot happens in each episode apart from a lot of smoking, lead character Don straying with a female client and his attractive mrs cooking him some food and looking pretty hot. But it is strangely addictive and I still cannot work out why.

Of course I have also been enjoying the Apprentice. True, I am beginning to regret choosing the ginger one as my pre-series pick to win as it appears that she is the nearest thing to the devil since the posh one from last year. But it is fantastic TV and it would appear that the producers have gone out of their way to find some of the thicket people in the UK. They need to keep Kevin the bank manager (really ? Is he perhaps someone who once opened a bank account as opposed to someone who approves loans of millions of pounds) and Raith for as long as possible. I did think the tough looking one, Lee would win but he appears to have started referring to himself in the third person (and that is never a good sing - it was exactly this that lead to the downfall of Clark Datchler and Johnny hates Jazz) but now I think it may be the soldier, Simon.