Come on Tim

Yay. I have home internet access again. Finally. It's a little dodgy in that it keeps cutting out, and I'm only getting 1.7Mbps when I should be getting 6.5, but apart from that, I'm very happy.

Over the past couple of months, the stresses and strains of moving have put my futile television rage on the back burner. Why should I get angry about that advert about Mickey, ( you know, the ponce with different hairstyles), when my lawyer is sitting on his behind doing nothing all day unless I phone him every half hour? And what's the problem with that frightening lady singing about how I've got to think! About my currentaccount, today! every quarter of an hour while there is a seller who won't sign a house over, just because she's feeling reluctant even though there's been an agreement to sell FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS?

Yes, I can now once again concentrate on the serious issues affecting the world, and I'd like to start by pointing out how annoying Tim Vincent's narration is on BBC2's latest early evening cooking show, Kitchen Criminals (or Kitchen Criminils if you're ex-Tory leader Michael Howard).

It's all fairly standard stuff. Bad cooks chosen by professional chefs. Professional chefs then try to train bad cooks to be good cooks. Every day the worst bad cook goes home. At the end the remaining bad cooks will try to fool critics into thinking they're git good chefs. It's very simple and self-explanatory. And it's ideal for my weeknight dinnertime viewing (cf Masterchef Goes Large, Great British Menu. I'm pathetic, me).

So someone, and I think it'll be the same person who thought that Masterchef Goes Large needs a narrator, thought that this programme needs a narrator. And someone decided that the narrator should speak at all times explaining exactly what we can see with our own eyes, and reminding us what has just happened two minutes ago. The narrator also speculates as to what might happen next given past performances.

So Angela Hartnett, "one of Britain's top female chefs", is teaching her Kitchen Criminils how to fillet a bit of fish. It's fairly obvious that this is what's happening, she's showing them how to fillet a fish, and she's actually said, "I'm going to show you how to fillet this fish." But the narrator (played by Tim Vincent out of Blue Peter) then says "Angela Hartnett shows the Kitchen Criminals how to fillet a fish. They'll need to pay close attention to this as at the end of the day, the Kitchen Criminal who has made the most mistakes will be going home."

"Martha," says Angela, "come over here and help me scrape the scales away here." To which Tim Vincent says, "Angela asks Martha to help her scrape the scales away. Mortgage broker Martha has struggled throughout the week for consistency, will she be able to concentrate enough to be able to keep her place today?"

Tim, I know you're not writing this yourself, but please will you shut up. I don't need to be told what I can see and hear. I do not need to be reminded about what happened ten minutes ago. Your preview of the last half of the show is well meaning but not necessary for a half hour programme. Stop talking about Kitchen Zeroes becoming Kitchen Heroes. I know it rhymes, but it's not very clever when you say it every episode. And finally, work out one way of pronouncing the word "cook" and then stick with it. "Cuck, Coook, Cerk, Ceck." Just choose one.

Viewing of not much interest over the past few days:

• I've been watching this mini-series on Sky One. It's probably a repeat. Final Days of Planet Earth. It's rubbish and it really should be for kids, but it's been on at midnight last week. You've got some bloke from Ally McBeal (How I hated that programme, with the way they all went to the bar and sang and danced of an evening with that awful singer Vonda Shepard bawling her way through some dreadful cover of a Barry White song, not that I ever watched an episode), that Daryl Hannah lass and something about a conspiracy involving earthquakes and sinkholes and local government. And the preview summary gave away most of the plot anyway thanks to the idiots who write them having absolutely no sense of drama.
• The IT Crowd. Superb. There were many very amusing moments in last week's episode. I could recount them but they wouldn't translate well to the page, especially when I'm involved.

Davie is currently on holiday in Austria so he won't be blogging this week. Fans of sharp snappy reviews of soap operas will therefore have to make do with long drawn out reviews of obscure science fiction and cookery programmes. Many apologies.

Eastenders on holiday

Regular readers please do not be concerned. Mickey is still alive but is experiencing some frustrations with the nice people at Sky who have informed him it will be a further 3 weeks before he has internet access. He passes on all his love to you all, especially the ladies.

Eastenders is the best soap on tv right now. That I believe is fact. There are some interesting new characters and storylines about Max and Stacey, little Lucy Beale, Sean attacking Patrick (allegedly your honour) and the arrival of more Mitchells have all been well written and acted. However when I read that this week's programmes were the traditional summer holiday episodes, I had to think seriously if I was going to devote 2 hours of my life to it this week. Previous escapades have been excruciating to watch. Sometimes you cannot believe that the episodes have been shown to the general public. The Slater girls going on holiday a few years ago may have been an all time low and seemed to be telling the story that it is ok to break into someones house and tear up all his clothes if he is a bit posh or has a job which requires him to wear a suit.

This year's episode has actually been ok. I don't know if they deliberately selected the better actors like Pat, Minty, Garry and Shirley to make sure that at the very least the performances would be bordering on professional. Or maybe it was because they did not try to insert comedy into it. Eastenders is miserable. It is meant to be miserable. If I want to laugh I'll watch an episode of Seinfeld. And it was a stroke of genius to introduce Burnside from the Bill. Alright, he is not officially called Burnside but the guy who plays him clearly comes from the school of "one style of acting and that's your lot". In fact it has been so successful they should consider more direct transfers between Sun Hill and Walford.

Brian

What about Brian is unlikely to ever make it to terrestrial TV but for those who have E4 I would suggest you watch not one but two episodes of this US series. The first series was quite good. The story seemed to centre around a lovable loser, Brian who spent all his social time with 3 couples who were good looking and successful and eager to set him up with a dream date. That may sound a shocking premise for a show but it was quite good especially as Brian was in love with the fiancee of his best mate. In fact series one ended with him declaring his love for her as his mate arrived home and overheard through the window. All good stuff and enough to make me tune in for the second series.

The second series has been relatively enjoyable but they have killed one of the characters off in an accident, sent one to Minnesota which I believe is the equivalent of sending a character from Neighbours to Adelaide, and completed changed the direction that the remaining five character are going in. Now that may not be a bad thing and life does change I hear you all cry. And I agree. But life does not change direction every week. It is incredible how quickly this programme changes direction. Imagine if in Eastenders, Pat Butcher or whatever she is called these days decided to open a book shop on Monday, then on Tuesday decides to marry Jim Branning, then on Thursday decides she is going to cancel the wedding and is building a hotel which she intends on running with Ian Beale and then on Friday she finds out she has a terminal illness so asks Gus the roadsweeper to kill her. That is how the writers of What about Brian would write a week of Eastenders. Unbelievable.

O'Leary's shame

So, Sky Plus. I've had it for less than a week and I've already used up a quarter of the hard disk space. All it takes is a couple of films a week and it'll be full up within a month.

I was going to write about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (probably about the way everyone is smugly and self-deprecatingly competent), but I haven't watched this week's episode yet.

I did watch episode one of season four of the X Factor earlier today though. After the cliffhanger at the end of the last show where the Borg came along and assimilated Ray, I was expecting a fascinating episode, but it was not to be. All this bother about poor old Bear Grylls staying in hotels when he's doing his survival programmes, and a bit of misunderstanding about the Queen not having a strop (BURN THE DIRECTOR GENERAL! BURN HIM!!), but no-one cares about the utter pantomime paraded as real life drama which is the X Factor.

I'm no fan. I just can't stand the way that every episode there's the usual bunch of no-hopers that are put forward through the unfilmed stages just so they can be humiliated by the judges, followed by the discovery of the tragic yet relatively talented performer. As they leave the audition room weeping at their success, Labi Siffre's Something Inside So Strong comes on (because clearly when Labi Siffre (or whoever wrote the lyrics) wrote the lyrics they were thinking of some little squirt who can warble their way through "I Will Always Love You" like Mariah Carey in a yodelling contest with a goat).

And Cowell's going on about how having some fourteen year old singing a song competently vindicates him for allowing youngsters on to the show as though he's Princess Diana and this is all some sort of social project to provide Britain with a new Michelle McManus.

Then you've got Osbourne and she's all "Oh, I really miss Louis" and (rather cleverly) "I'm really sorry but... ...you're through!" (because, right? If you hear "I'm really sorry", right? You're all thinking, like, "Oh no, I'm not through", right? But then, right? She's all like, "You're through!" right? And like it was all her doing a little trick on you.) Like she didn't try to ruin an Iron Maiden concert just because the lead singer criticised talent contests.

And throughout it all, not one mention of poor old Thornton, sitting at home (perhaps eating a microwave dinner, maybe sitting in her underpants, possibly an unfinished easy sudoku from a free local newspaper sitting on the sofa next to her), her dreams of Saturday night stardom in tatters.

Mind you, it's better than DanceX.

What I watched on television yesterday:

• Nothing. I have a life sometimes. It was Saturday, after all. I'm in a new house. I've still got loads of unpacking to do, I need to buy new furniture, do a bit of weeding in my garden, work out where to put my pictures up etc.

In reality, I didn't do any work around the house. I just sat in my underpants and watched the cricket as the dust gathered around me. Much as it pains me, I fear I may be turning into the male Kate Thornton.

Home = yes, television = no

Yes, after four long weeks of moving from place to place, ruining the privacy of two of Newcastle's top celebrity couples and nearly destroying twelve-year friendships on the way, I finally moved in to my new home on Tuesday. I know it's not related to television reviews (sorry GP) but I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mr and Mrs Davie and GP and Haysto for cooking and cleaning for me, and for comforting me at three in the morning when I woke up with night terrors almost every night. I'd also like to thank the solicitors who dealt with my case for really speeding things along. Yes, it only took four weeks. Well done. It's a difficult job getting a few forms signed and arranging a date for completion, and you did it with the minimum of fuss (I only had to call you to chase things up literally four times a day every day for four weeks) and it only caused me four long weeks of stress, uncertainty and misery.

Anyway, much as I love my new house, you'd have thought that in this day and age they come with tv aerials as standard. It's not as though televisions are a new invention. So, I got my tv up and running only to find that I had no signal. It's extremely frustrating. I'm getting an aerial fitted in the loft this weekend (I have a loft - I'm a proper man!), but in the meantime I've got to make do with a portable aerial which can only pick up BBCs One, Two, Three and News 24 on Freeview. It makes my reviewing task a little tricky, especially when there's nothing on these days.

So instead of watching live tv, I've been able to catch up with my viewing of The Wire on DVD. I'm halfway through the first series and, as far as I can tell, nothing much has happened yet. I assume it's building up to something, but to be honest, I wouldn't care if it didn't.

Even though nothing much is happening, it's still really really good (See how my television reviews are witty and inciteful - "really, really good" is like vintage Clive James). There is a story which slowly progresses which is compelling and completely believable. And it's not like your Houses and CSIs which can be dipped in and out even if you've missed an episode (or series). (That, by the way, is a good thing. Ever since Babylon Five,I like a bit of a story arc in my drama.) If you miss an episode, even though nothing much happens, you may as well forget it.

Sorry, I just mentioned Babylon Five. It won't happen again.

What I watched in my new home on my old tv last night:

• Heroes - WHY DO THE BBC THINK THAT IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO SHOW THE SURPRISE EXCITING END MOMENT OF AN EPISODE AS A TRAILER TO THAT EPISODE?? The moment in the train where future Hiro comes to give present Peter a message is a magnificent bit of fantasy drama which sets the scene for the rest of the series. It should be a stand out moment full of surprise and shock which leaves you reeling and begging for the next episode. Instead it's shown as an out of context two second clip over and over again on the trails for the programme which completely ruins any suspense when it's shown in the programme itself.
• When I watched Hereos on SciFi a few months ago, whenever it came up with the "Next time on Heroes" trailer at the end of the programme, I would mute the television and cover my eyes so I couldn't see what was happening (seriously, I honestly did this). That way, the fathead television people who have no sense of suspense or drama couldn't spoil it for me. As a result, the Hiro from the future scene was a wonderful moment for me, as exciting as the Babylon Five episode where the guy in the spacesuit in Babylon Four is revealed to be future Jeffrey Sinclair. For everyone else, it's as dramatic as an EastEnders episode involving the kidnap of Wellard.

Normal service will be resumed soon. I get Sky Plus on Monday, and home internet connection will soon follow! Count down the days with me readers!

At home with Jamie and not Mickey

Right readers. First things first. You will all be pleased to learn that Mickey has finally got the keys to his own home and is no longer residing with me and Mrs Davie. This means that I do not have to sit through endless repeats of My Family and University Challenge and can watch what I want to watch at night again. And with that in mind, coupled with the Ginger Prince's gentle reminder that we are supposed to be reviewing TV programmes in this blog, I settled down to watch Jamie at Home on Channel 4.

I like Oliver. I like what he did with his restaurant and for school dinners. I am sure he has seen some financial benefit having appeared in the programmes and received a lot of free publicity, but at least he did something. I was therefore looking forward to seeing his new programme, especially when I read he would be doing recipes with tomatoes and sausages, which are two of the worlds finest food types. As you would expect, his recipes were good and the food looked top notch. His chilli, tomato and mozzarella salad even made me put my rhubarb yogurt down. But what I did not like was the fact that the cheeky cockney was cooking in his garden shed. I am not one of these people who is obsessed with cleanliness but surely he is contravening some health and safety laws by cooking in the same room as compost and worms ? I'll give him another chance but I hope next week he is back in the kitchen and not showing us how to make chilli con carne in the bathroom.