Doctor Who and the Australians

Davie, what did Lohit do wrong in the last Apprentice? Yes, he didn't say or do anything in the whole episode apart from printing out labels that didn't look so good, and yes, he made the mistake of not pretending to be Natalie's best friend in the whole world. But apart from that, he did okay. I'm slightly worried that at some point he'll have to be a team leader, which may cause problems with his strategy of not saying or doing anything at all ever.

Last night's television was very disappointing. I watched two things. The Cricket World Cup Final and Doctor Who.

First of all I shall write about Doctor Who. It was part two following on from the cliffhanger last week where Dalek Sec had mutated into a dalek/human hybrid. It was all a little stupid. The daleks are supposed to be git hard, but they only killed Hugh Quarshie. And the Doctor kept on just wandering up to them sometimes with a suicide wish and other times with a certainty that they weren't going to shoot him. There was no threat from them, no sense of true danger.

Back in the first series the writers did well by making daleks deadly - one dalek made the Doctor almost wet himself with fear, yet these ones just seemed to be just another monster.

And they have this potentially interesting villain with a dalek creature thing as a head, and what do they do with him? Make him a scientist type with a good nature so that half the episode is him and the Doctor trying to do some special experiments. It was like a weak episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that I've just made up where Geordie La Forge and a friendly Borg decide to join forces to solve a problem with the food replicators. Except Star Trek The Next Generation would have a secondary plot where, I don't know, Data is being taught how to eat ice cream by Wesley Crusher and Deanna Troi. And the ice cream would come from the replicators but the inconsistency in the plot wouldn't have been noticed because the writers were rubbish.

Seriously, I used to really like Star Trek The Next Generation, but when I think about it, it was rubbish! Really weak. At least it was better than Voyager and Enterprise. And I watched every episode. That reminds me. I've got the complete video collection for Star Trek Deep Space Nine if anyone wants to buy them from me. In very good condition. All 173 episodes on 88 tapes. Only watched once. VHS format. Anyone?

So, that was the disappointing Doctor Who. Then there was the equally disappointing Cricket World Cup Final. Australia won easily, just like they won every other match they played. Regular readers will know I like cricket, me, but this tournament was dreadful. Out of seven hundred games played over the three years that this world cup has been running, there were only three good ones, and I missed those. I saw all six hundred and ninety seven of the others.

Adam Gilchrist plays a ridiculous innings which completely ruins the game as a competition. And then at the end, they have to play in darkness because the referees (or umpires as I like to call them) didn't understand the rules.

The only good thing was that by the end it was so dark that you couldn't see the smug self satisfied faces of the Australians as they bullied yet another team into submission. I don't know what it is about them, I'm sure they're all nice people, but the Australian cricket team just annoy me so much. The way McGrath holds up the ball every time he gets a five wicket haul. It's just all look at me look at me I'm Glenn McGrath me aren't I great?

Mickey's tv viewing last night bullet pointed for your convenience

• Doctor Who (Brilliant! A human dalek hybrid, but with a twist! My favourite bit was when the Doctor tried to sacrifice himself in order to save the faceless New Yorkers in Hooverville. Powerful stuff. Kudos to the writers!)
• Cricket World Cup Final (Well done to the Australians! There's no denying it, they're a great cricket team! Perhaps the greatest! Oh what I'd give to see them play against the West Indies sides of the seventies and eighties! Adam Gilchrist's innings was sublime! Probably the finest batting performance ever in a world cup final. And what a great send off for Glenn McGrath. Well done Pigeon! I will miss your metronomic precision and justified self-confidence.)

Hey everyone. Did you see what I did there? Mmmm? Did you??

Mickey's boy

Regular readers will know that Wenesday night is Apprentice night. I cooked chilli this week and The Prince, Mrs Prince, Mrs Davie and Mickey all enjoyed some spicy meat and tortillas before settling down to watch this week's episode. The two teams had to select an artist and sell their paintings. At the beginning of the series I chose Sophie the Quantum physicist to win. She was fired by Sir Alan last week after stupidly admitting that she did not enjoy selling which was probably the worst thing she could have told the cockney barrow turned multi-millionaire. I was angry that she had done this after I had given her my support at the beginning of the series and invested a lot of time into making t-shirts and mugs with "Come on Sophie" in a contemporary design. (Not all of that sentence is true). Now both mine and the Prince's picks have gone meaning Mickey's choice has won the mini challenge. Mickey has backed Lohit who has somehow managed to spend 5 episodes without saying a word. He has appeared in all the episodes and always as looks busy but he has never actually spoken. I think Mickey took this as a sign that he must be some form of genius. Luckily as the number of candidates dwindle, Mickey's boy has to speak more and more. Well he had to utter 2 sentences this week. That was enough to make it clear that Mickey's boy will not be winning this series. And that makes me happy.

Teatime viewing

Regular readers will know I was a big fan of Masterchef Goes Large (MGL). It was a great accompaniment to my February and March weekday tea, watching amateur cooks slave over exquisitely cooked venison and "delightful" puddings while I eat my microwave lasagne and "Amore" yoghurt.

Of course, it ended last month so I've been eating my tea while watching the cricket world cup of late. But that'll soon finish. What am I, Mickey off of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, going to watch as my tea-time accompaniment? It must be something that doesn't require total attention, (so that I can glance down at my food and I don't dribble), and it must be something that won't make me laugh (in case I laugh at the wrong time and choke to death - I live alone remember. No-one to save me.)

The Great British Menu (hereafter known as TGBM) is the unlikely solution to my dreadful situation. I can't stand Jennie Bond, the chefs are smug and full of "personality" and the judges are git pompous and they like strange stuff like eggs. But yet, for some reason, it's perfect viewing. And (Davie won't like this but) they don't explain how to make the dishes. They just cook them. I don't feel guilty about my pie and crinkle cut oven chips being worse than the fillet of beef with twenty different types of onion because there's no expectation that I should be able to make it.

(In this case, of course, my pie and crinkle cut oven chips is better than the fillet of beef with twenty different types of onion. For one thing the beef is utterly underdone, the chef has stuck it in a bowl of lukewarm tapwater for ten seconds and that's it cooked. And who wants twenty different types of onions? I admit there's always a bit of burping after my fish and chips, but it's much more pleasant for everyone than the violently smelly belches that'll come up after all them onions. Twenty different types by the way, count 'em.)

Here's what I watched yesterday evening:

(I was round Haysto's and friend of Mickey & Davie's TV Rant, GP's house for Apprentice night. This week Haysto cooked a magnificent chickpea curry with deep fried aubergines. It really put my burgers from last week to shame. Who's cooking next week, Davie?)

• Property Ladder (One couple completely ignored Sarah's advice and their flat conversion turned into a total shambles grinding to a demoralising halt. I was very pleased. I violently hate anybody who goes on Property Ladder and ignores Sarah's advice. She is a professional. She knows what she's talking about. People on Property Ladder are utter idiots. They've got free advice from a professional and they ignore it. I'll bet she was really pleased when she saw what a mess they'd made of things. The only problem was that it wasn't their money. So they probably couldn't care less. This makes me angry.)
• The Apprentice and The Apprentice: You're Fired (In which Davie's girl, Sophie the quantum physicist was fired. As the blokey with glasses whose name escapes me (I've just looked it up. Andy) was fired in the first week, this means that I win the Apprentice-Pick-The-Winner-Before-The-Series-Starts-Based-Purely-On-Appearance competition that I had with Davie and friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, GP. My tip (based purely on appearance before watching the series remember) Lohit's still in it. I think he's certain to be in the final four at least.)

I think I'll watch last week's Peep Show tonight. I like Peep Show. Mark off of Peep Show reminds me of me.

Why Brian ? Why

Let's move on from the annoying 13 year old Mickey. We have given her more than her fair share of fame. As I type this I have some property channel on. It is showing a programme called VIP Househunter. Someone called Rosie is looking for a house for ex-footballer Brian Deane. Apparently she does not just "choose you a house she chooses you a new lifestyle". What !! Apparently Rosie has the powers of some form of God. This is clearly where all these estate agents are going wrong. They are just showing people houses. No consideration is going in to the lifestyle that people want. Regular readers will know Mickey is moving house. Have you asked that nice bloke from the estate agent to find you a new lifestyle as well Mickey ?Clearly be careful that you are not asking them to be your pimp though. The more I watch this the more I am amazed. It appears Rosie is not even an estate agent - she just introduces celebrities to estate agents !! This is money for old rope. I am fascinated. I just hope Sarah Beeny is watching and copies this idea - I do not understand why Brian Deane did not go to her in the first place.

Annoying children

Davie's right about that kid on Property Ladder on Wednesday. She had something to say about everything. Everything that came out of her mouth was naive, unoriginal and unfunny (says me), and yet her parents acted as though she was a cross between Gandhi and Oscar Wilde. I'll bet she doesn't go to school and is taught at home by said parents. Yes, I know she's only thirteen but she had that sort of completely misguided confident attitude about her which made me think that she's never been among children of her own age. No-one has told her (in a cruel and sadistic way) that she's annoying and that her opinion doesn't matter.

Do you remember that advert for Dairylea where these awful stage school kids sang a song about how much they liked Dairylea while running about in fields? I really hated it. "I like the taste of butter!" sang one. "I like the taste of cheese!" sang another one. "I like the taste of milk!" sang an even other one. "They're all in Dairylea!" cried the happy farmer. My tummy says it's time for tea. So let's down tools for Dairylea! There's enough for me, and me, and me!!!! A taste of the country. (Once again at this stage I point out that I might have got the words dreadfully wrong but I can't be bothered to do any checking. Heroes is on soon! I haven't got time.) And all the kids grinned and nodded furiously whenever the camera was on them. It was like Emu's Pink Windmill Show except without the pathetic dragon.

And then there was that obnoxious girl who was five or something who got her O-levels. She was homeschooled. Ruth someone or other. Went to Oxford at seven or something. Didn't have the humility and shyness that being at school grinds into you. Just looked her up on google using the keywords "ruth", "oxford" and "teenager", and it was first hit. Brilliant. Still she seems to be doing all right for herself now. Married with a couple of kids. Fair play to her. Well done. (Not very difficult though when you're a female mathematician. For every one female mathematician there are five hundred male ones, of which ten can actually hold a conversation with a female, so she was never going to struggle.)

I really haven't got anything to say today have I? If I'd thought about it, I'm sure I could have made this a bit more coherent. But Heroes is about to start and I meant to write this much earlier but my internet was down. Quick Mickey, write down what you watched on telly last night with comments when the mood takes you!

My viewing yesterday:

• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (I'm up to date - they had an Easter break which allowed me to catch up).
• Have I Got News For You
• Cricket World Cup
• Ruddy Hell It's Harry and Paul or whatever it's called (I actually found this funny and laughed a number of times (I really wanted to not like it). However I have a feeling that every week is going to be the same characters doing the same things over and over again, within a couple of episodes it'll be catchphrase after catchphrase appealing to the playground masses. It's lazy, LAZY!)
• Doctor Who (Like an immensely sad no-life thirty-six year old I've been waiting for over a year to find out what the Face of Bo was going to tell the Doctor, after it was "trailed" in the first episode of the previous series. I love that kind of prophetic rubbish when it's done properly on a telly show. I'm really looking forward to the rest of the series now.)

Right, I'm now going to watch Heroes. And then I shall watch Prison Break. And then I shall go to bed. And then I shall go to sleep. And then I shall get up. And then I shall go to work.

Wow

Apologies to readers of the world's best loved TV blog for the lack of activity in the past week. Mickey and I have had a long hard look at ourselves, told ourselves some home truths and promised to be more diligent in the coming week. Well since I last wrote I had an excellent Wednesday night. Not only is it now Apprentice night, but Channel 4 have served up Property Ladder in the 8pm slot. This week Apprentice night was at Mickeys. I went expecting to have to order pizza but Mickey surprised us all with a great feast of burgers, beans and chips. This is one of my favourite dinners and when combined with Sarah Beeny I was a happy man. Sarah is excellent. Regular readers will know Mickey is currently single and I really think he should make a play for Beeny. She is very attractive and always seems to be right. I think they would make a perfect couple. Sarah if you are reading this, I know you have family but if you fancy a bit on the side my friend cooks a great burger.

This week Sarah met two families looking to make some money. A mother and son who had bought a house to renovate in order to earn money to send the kid to university. All very admirable. The kid was of course lazy and could not really be bothered to put in any effort. Why would he, after all his mother had just staked all her life savings on the project. He seemed to get a bit interested when Sarah bought him some work boots (ah isn't she lovely) but soon slipped back into his slovenly ways. Of course they made a 40k profit and he has probably since decided he does not need to go to Uni as he can make more money watching his mother do up properties. The other family - I cannot bring myself to even talk about them. 2 kids, one of whom, the 13 year old daughter made us all very angry. Suffice to say they ignored Sarah's advice and listened to the 13 year girl and her terrible ideas. This 13 year old even used the term wow factor, which is becoming dangerously overused by this society. In the end they made a huge profit. More money than they could possibly handle given their collective IQ. The 13 year old sat there with a look of "told you so" written all over her face. Sarah just smiled, probably safe in the knowledge that they will take on another project and lose it all. Either that or she was thinking of burger and chips at Mickeys next Wednesday.

Happy Easter Everybody!!

I've been a little quiet as I haven't been watching much television this week. After watching 24 at Davie's followed by The Apprentice at Mr & Mrs T's, I've had a couple of days where I watched no television. I've been out socialising. Don't worry, ladies. I didn't meet anyone so you're all still in with a chance.

So, with little television under my belt, I'll just mention what I'm really looking forward to this week.

What I'm really looking forward to this week is Life On Mars on Tuesday. If you haven't watched it before, don't bother as it's the last ever episode. I really like Life On Mars. I probably shouldn't, as really all it is is a cop show set in the seventies with a character from the modern day.

The episodes generally follow the same line. There's a crime. The seventies cops decide who done it based on prejudice and intimidation. Sam Tyler thinks there's more to it so looks closely using modern techniques. There're a couple of arguments but Sam persuades the seventies cops. They solve the crime, and it tends to be a person who didn't look as though they'd done it at the start of the episode.

Throughout it all, something is happening to Sam in modern times which affects the way he deals with the case. Every episode has a few will they won't they scenes with Maggie (the girl cop from the seventies), and Sam will always accidentally mention a modern day thing which the seventies cops think is silly. And maybe someone will mention spangles or Mott the Hoople at some point.

Every episode, same formula. I like it though. They haven't made enough episodes for it to be boring.

I'm excited about this week's episode as I'm hoping that it explains it all. I say hoping as I had a really vivid dream the other night that I saw the last episode and it just ended without explaining anything. It was like watching the last episodes of Twin Peaks, Sapphire and Steel and Farscape (before the mini-series finale had been announced) all at the same time. I woke up by jumping up from my bed, drenched in sweat shouting "NO!" (like people do on the telly). Then I realised that it was all a dream, that I'd actually spent the night dreaming about the last ever episode of Life On Mars, that I was a thirty-six year old man whose life was so barren and devoid of interests or hobbies that the most vivid dream I've had in the last six months was about a formulaic television programme. And now I'm writing about it on the internet.

Special Easter Day edition of Mickey's television viewing last night:

Please pretend that the bullet points are easter eggs. I could probably find a way of doing this, but I really can't be bothered.

• Cricket World Cup (Bangladesh beat South Africa. That's good for England, apparently.)
• Harry Hill's TV Burp (In a similar way to Little Britain and Catherine Tate, he makes the same jokes over and over again. But he's much funnier and he looks a bit like friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, Mr T.)
• Entourage (Last episode of the series, recorded about two months ago. I've finally got round to watching it. It's supposed to be funny, but I barely raise a smile when I watch it. And yet, watch it I will.)
• Battlestar Galactica (A filler episode but still infinitely better than the best episode of Enterprise).

And as it's Easter Sunday, this means there won't be another Creme Egg advert on for another nine months. A little message to Cadbury: how about a new advertising slogan in 2008? My suggestion: Cadbury Creme Eggs, how many can YOU get in your mouth at the same time!?

The good doctor

Readers of Britain's favourite blog will be pleased to know Mickey is safely sat on my sofa watching Sunday's 24 whilst I type this. I have left the adverts on but he is just fast forwarding through them so there is peace in the room. Which is more than can be said for the control room at CTU where Jack and LLF (Little Lord Fauntelroy) are about to attack a house.

I see that you mate Tennant is back as the good doctor. Is this his second or third year ? I think it will be his last. I am no expert on the doctor who series. I hated it as a kid. I used to hide behind the sofa when I was at my Nana's. She would then make my uncle switch it off. As a consequence he holds a grudge against me that will never die. But that seems to be the way with "Whoeys" as I like to call them. They are irrational. They fell in love with a series that was ridiculous. The props were cheap, the acting poor and you could drive a bus through the storylines. Yet it was incredibly popular. But why - the main character is obnoxious and does not even have a weapon. Luke Syywalker had his light sabre, Captain Kirk had his phaser. What did the Doctor have - a scarf and a metal dog which had the turning cycle of the Titanic and did not have a mouth so it could not bite anyone anyway.

I like Tennant and think he has to be the best they have had but he is too media savvy to stay with this show. So it looks like the doctor will have to regenerate again. But who will replace him Mickey. My money is on your mate Jimmy Nesbitt or Nick Berry.

The Doctor

Welcome home, Davie. I was beginning to struggle holding Britain's favourite North-East based television blog written by people called Mickey and Davie together for a couple of days there. I don't know whether you noticed, but I almost lost my ability to make witty and inciteful comments about the state of the British television industry and just went on about how much certain adverts annoy me.

I am actually quite angry tonight, as my old faithful computer is finally reaching the end of its life. I'm a very impatient man, and when I click to start my internet, I expect it to set up immediately. A delay of longer than five seconds is unacceptable to me, and "Mickey's PC" (as I like to call it) is now taking over thirty seconds from click to homepage. It's almost as annoying as having to listen to someone whistling in a supermarket. (You're in a supermarket! There are people around! They can hear you. Do you think they want to listen to your idiotic twittering?? Do you think they hear it and say ooh how charming, some music! Let's tarry awhiles and listen to the sweet sounds emerging from that musical gentleman's pursed lips. Do you really think that?? How about I go around shouting a System of a Down song at the top of my voice right in your ear while you're having a picnic with your family?? Would you like that?? Because it's the same thing. Exactly the same thing!)

But this has nothing to do with television. So I'd best mention the return of my all-time favourite television show this week. I am of course talking about (and here I unsuccessfully try to think of an amusingly bad television programme that returned this week before just telling the truth with) Doctor Who, or, as I used to call it when I was two, "Doggaddoggooah."

Ever since I've known television I've loved Doggaddoggooah. It must have been back in the Jon Pertwee days that I started watching it. Even though I could barely speak, every Saturday night I would yell for my parents to put it on. Doggaddoggooah and I fell out for a season or two during the dark times when Colin Baker and worst-assistant-ever, Bonnie Langford took over. (I must have been about fifteen. Bonnie Langford!! Was it Michael Grade's fault? What on earth was he thinking? Bonnie Langford is so annoying that she'd make me stop watching Doctor Who - there can be nothing more annoying by definition! Now he's at ITV is he going to fiddle with Primevel and replace Hannah from S Club with Carol Vorderman?)

So, it started well. I like the new assistant, Martha Jones, and I was exceptionally pleased to see that her brother is played by that Reggie Yates off of Top Of The Pops.

Mind you, I didn't appreciate the kiss. That sort of thing might be all well and good and expected in fairly poor spinoff Torchwood, with its adult themes and random swearing at inappropriate moments, but Doggaggoggooah doesn't kiss! Especially not on the lips. And he'd only just met her. At least when Doggaddoggooah kissed Billie, I mean Rose, at the end of "season one" (or "season twenty-eight" as I like to call it (if I'm counting the TV Movie as a season, which I shouldn't)) she'd known him for a bit, but even then I disapproved. It's like they're trying to make Doggaddoggooah sexy or twenty-first century, to give a will they won't they Moonlighting type theme running through it. Could you see Patrick Troughton or William Hartnell having a snog with their assistants? It's not on. No more of that sort of nonsense, say I!

Once again I'm well past my two hundred words, I didn't make half of the points I was going to about Doggaddoggooah and I haven't even started my hilarious review of last night's viewing which tonight I'm going to call "Mickey's viewing for the Monday night just gone".

Mickey's viewing for the Monday night just gone:

• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (I record it every night but don't watch it every night. It's a moderate worry to me.)
• Children of Men (Virgin Media have a special offer on. It cost a penny to watch it, so I "spent a penny". I really enjoyed it. It's not like I thought it was going to be. Really grim, but strangely familiar. And it was set in the future which made it sci-fi. And I like sci-fi.)
• Heroes (Hmm, beginning to slow down, not as good as the first few. It's fallen off the pace a bit. I still love it, but it's going through a bit of a Lost mid-season lull (It just took ten seconds for my PC to register that I'd typed lull there. It's really getting to me. I'd buy a new one, but I'm trying to move house. I want to save a bit of cash! TRY LIVING MY LIFE!))
• Prison Break (Predictable. I could have told you what was going to happen before the episode started.)
• Born Survivor: Bear Grylls (or is it Bear Grylls: Born Survivor? He ate a raw sea urchin, poisoned some fish and hurt his privates while climbing down a tree.)

Apprentice tomorrow, and first Apprentice night of the year at Mr & Mrs T's tomorrow night! As a special bonus, Davie and Mrs Davie have agreed to let me watch this week's 24 beforehand! You know, life's not that bad, after all.

When in Rome

Mickey. Hey I am back. Thanks from all our readers for holding the fort whilst I took Mrs Davie to Rome. I am back now and can categorically state that British tv is better than Italian TV. Apart from the football they only appear to have some games shows that make the ITV2 programmes look like intellectual documentaries.

Since I got back I have naturally been catching up on what I have missed

24 - brilliant. I am very excited that Little Lord Fauntelroy has now joined the show. I like this for 2 reasons. One I like his acting style. 2 It confirms that I am not losing my mind as at first I feared. I have been telling the Ginger Prince about LLF appearing for weeks and was starting to doubt myself.

The Apprentice - I would like to retract my statement about the quantum physicist woman winning. She has about as much chance as the amateur Machivellian who has already felt the sharp end of Sugar's tongue. Naomi will win. That is if she is not too busy getting frisky with the male candidates.

The Bill - DS Hunter was in which is always good. I am surprised he is only a DS - I think he is ready for promotion as he is showing a more mature attitude nowadays.

To finish I thought I would give our readers a bit of cultural chat. Rome is great and you should go. When in Rome you have to visit the Sistine chapel as it would be a shame to go all that way and not visit it. But be prepared - it is rubbish. No wonder Michelangelo took so long over it - it is too busy. He should have kept it simple. Raphael would have.

So much more to watch though.