Teatime viewing

Regular readers will know I was a big fan of Masterchef Goes Large (MGL). It was a great accompaniment to my February and March weekday tea, watching amateur cooks slave over exquisitely cooked venison and "delightful" puddings while I eat my microwave lasagne and "Amore" yoghurt.

Of course, it ended last month so I've been eating my tea while watching the cricket world cup of late. But that'll soon finish. What am I, Mickey off of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, going to watch as my tea-time accompaniment? It must be something that doesn't require total attention, (so that I can glance down at my food and I don't dribble), and it must be something that won't make me laugh (in case I laugh at the wrong time and choke to death - I live alone remember. No-one to save me.)

The Great British Menu (hereafter known as TGBM) is the unlikely solution to my dreadful situation. I can't stand Jennie Bond, the chefs are smug and full of "personality" and the judges are git pompous and they like strange stuff like eggs. But yet, for some reason, it's perfect viewing. And (Davie won't like this but) they don't explain how to make the dishes. They just cook them. I don't feel guilty about my pie and crinkle cut oven chips being worse than the fillet of beef with twenty different types of onion because there's no expectation that I should be able to make it.

(In this case, of course, my pie and crinkle cut oven chips is better than the fillet of beef with twenty different types of onion. For one thing the beef is utterly underdone, the chef has stuck it in a bowl of lukewarm tapwater for ten seconds and that's it cooked. And who wants twenty different types of onions? I admit there's always a bit of burping after my fish and chips, but it's much more pleasant for everyone than the violently smelly belches that'll come up after all them onions. Twenty different types by the way, count 'em.)

Here's what I watched yesterday evening:

(I was round Haysto's and friend of Mickey & Davie's TV Rant, GP's house for Apprentice night. This week Haysto cooked a magnificent chickpea curry with deep fried aubergines. It really put my burgers from last week to shame. Who's cooking next week, Davie?)

• Property Ladder (One couple completely ignored Sarah's advice and their flat conversion turned into a total shambles grinding to a demoralising halt. I was very pleased. I violently hate anybody who goes on Property Ladder and ignores Sarah's advice. She is a professional. She knows what she's talking about. People on Property Ladder are utter idiots. They've got free advice from a professional and they ignore it. I'll bet she was really pleased when she saw what a mess they'd made of things. The only problem was that it wasn't their money. So they probably couldn't care less. This makes me angry.)
• The Apprentice and The Apprentice: You're Fired (In which Davie's girl, Sophie the quantum physicist was fired. As the blokey with glasses whose name escapes me (I've just looked it up. Andy) was fired in the first week, this means that I win the Apprentice-Pick-The-Winner-Before-The-Series-Starts-Based-Purely-On-Appearance competition that I had with Davie and friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, GP. My tip (based purely on appearance before watching the series remember) Lohit's still in it. I think he's certain to be in the final four at least.)

I think I'll watch last week's Peep Show tonight. I like Peep Show. Mark off of Peep Show reminds me of me.