Great British Menu

What did I say about Great British Menu a few weeks ago? In my usual eloquent style I stated:

"I can't stand Jennie Bond, the chefs are smug and full of "personality" and the
judges are git pompous and they like strange stuff like eggs. But yet, for some
reason, it's perfect viewing."

Well, this evening, what is supposed to be a relaxing show, one that I can watch while eating my tea (I had burgers, mini rostis and baked beans tonight readers!), was not perfect viewing at all.

This week is the Northern England heat, where two chefs battle it out (imagine that battle it out is being said with emphasis, with pursed lips and squinting eyes) over who will be chosen to represent the North of England when they do some big dinner for a lot of French foodies.

Firstly I've been annoyed at the way these supposed northern chefs (both based in London) are both from Lancashire, and have chosen literally no food from north of Barrow-in-Furness or East of the Pennines. That's been really annoying - a region from Chester in the South West to Berwick in the North East, and all their food has been from Lancashire and Cheshire with the exception of a sheep from Ulverston. (By the way, my computer is really really slow today. I'm getting really furious.)

But what has really annoyed me is the steady drip drip drip of Jennie Bond's incessant commentary over everything that is going on. I loathe Jennie Bond. She looks like a cross between Princess Anne (the Princess Royal as some like to call her) and Katie from the Apprentice. She's got this attitude about her which says, "hey, you might have thought I was stuffy royal correspondent Jennie Bond, but in reality I'm a bit of a good time girl! I can have a laugh with the best of them. I'm witty, good for a joke, and I can add to any situation simply with my presence."

First of all she comes into the kitchen and puts a bit of personality into proceedings. She flirts with the chefs, asks them questions about their food, all with her awful Princess Katie face and her "hey, you might have thought I was stuffy royal correspondent Jennie Bond, but in reality I'm a bit of a good time girl! I can have a laugh with the best of them. I'm witty, good for a joke, and I can add to any situation simply with my presence" attitude.

And then there are the voice-overs. It's bad enough that her narration was written by the same person who wrote Lisa Riley's lines during her ill-fated stint as host of You've Been Framed. It adds nothing to the programme, it just serves to annoy. Why, after the two chefs have had a discussion about whether their food is British enough, do I need to hear Jennie Bond saying "Let's say the chefs have agreed to disagree."? Does that add anything? When there's been another argument her saying "Things are heating up in the kitchen" is completely redundant. Seriously, some people really do need to just shut their stupid faces up.

But the worst thing is the way that the writer of the voice overs keeps on putting French words in the narration. I've no problem with that. What I've got a problem with is Jennie Bond's stupid way of putting on some plummy semi-French accent to say a french word that has common usage in English. She said Creme de Frambois or something like that this episode and I shouted obscenities at the television. It's the first time I've ever sworn at the television while watching a cookery programme that doesn't have Antony Worrell-Thompson or Ainsley Harriott in it.

And she never says "superb". She says "ssyyyewperrb". If she's never on television again that's not good enough. I want a written apology from the BBC for inflicting her awfulness on my television.

It's the final of the Northern heat tomorrow, and then next week, it's some sort of final or semi-final or something. I don't want anyone to win. I hate them all now. I'll still watch it though.

As well as the Apprentice and the Apprentice You're Fired, last night I watched:

• The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Yesterday Jeremy Paxman was the guest. It was a bit strange that. He seemed a little nervous. I was disappointed.
• GBM (Jennie Bond was annoying, the two chefs cooked produce from Lancashire)
• Property Ladder (It was a revisited one. Rather than just call it a repeat, cut out a couple of scenes from an earlier show and add five minutes of new footage. Well done Channel Four for killing television just a little bit more.
• I caught a glimpse of some Ten Pin Bowling on Sky Sports. The top left corner of the screen was taken up by a bloke doing sign language. Sign language for ten pin bowling commentary. Have I missed something?

Davie, I'd bring round my Battlestar Galactica DVDs for when 24 and Lost finish, but our regular reader Cuddles has still got them. Cuddles, when you're finished with them, pass them on to Davie, there's a good lad!