Mickey no like EastEnders

As Davie says, I used to watch EastEnders. In fact I used to be a very big fan. From the moment when Pete Beale, Den Watts, Ali Osman and Andy the Scotsman* bashed open the door to poor old dead Reg's flat, to Alfie Moon's courtship of Kat Slater, I watched every episode. (Apart from the odd one obviously. I'm not an obsessive. And I didn't watch it when I was at University. I was too busy partying with my fellow mathematicians.)

And now I hate EastEnders. For years I've been receiving emails from faithful TV Rant readers begging me for a reason for my change of heart over the popular London based soap opera. For years I have remained silent. Until now.

So, I now give you, in two handy chunks, my top ten reasons why I no longer watch EastEnders (I'd do it in reverse order, but I can't work out how).

1. Everytime a popular character establishes him (or her) self on the show, they are poached by ITV for a million pound exclusive contract. The actor (or actress) thinks that they've done well in Eastenders, so they're bound to do well playing an ill thought out cop in an ITV Wednesday night drama-by-numbers. And if you've got Hermione Norris playing the wife (or Steven Tompkinson playing the husband), then what can go wrong?? They end up singlehandedly destroying an entire genre. Their careers have stalled, they're stuck in a five year exclusive deal (earning them £20 million per annum) and EastEnders has lost a good character.
2. Everyone works in and around the Square. If a new character joins the soap who works somewhere else, give it a couple of months and they'll be working on the market, at the Vic, or (if they're intelligent) at Ian Beale's latest business venture. A new businessman will purchase either the car lot or the nightclub. (Is it still called Angie's Den? That name could have been a reason on its own.)
3. The writers have no perception of how people speak. I remember one episode a few years ago when Phil Mitchell was talking to someone about his alcoholism or something. Maybe he was talking to Sharon, or Mel, or Janet Dibley, I don't know. But he started talking about how it felt, he spoke for five minutes solid describing his life in a metaphor about a train journey or something. There were no awkward pauses while he was trying to think of what he was saying. There were no "erm"s. His audience of one was captivated. It was clearly the writer thinking they were doing this great job at writing a heartfelt and tragic speech. But this was Phil Mitchell talking off the cuff. This man wouldn't have got a single CSE at school and yet he's waxing about how you turn around and realise that the train you thought you were on was going in the opposite direction and the train you're actually on is rushing headlong into a tunnel that has no end. And Mel or Sharon or Janet Dibley is listening to this with a straight face.
4. The illfated EastEnders Christmas Singalong Special. For the rest of my life I have to live with the memory of watching Shane Ritchie and Jill Halfpenny singing Fairytale of New York in the Caff. It was like a car crash. I couldn't turn away.
5. The head to head episodes. I remember there was an episode about twenty years ago or something where Dot and Ethel were the only characters and they just chatted about the olden days. It was fairly irrelevant to the plot, but it was well done, people liked it. As a one off, I liked it. Clearly if all EastEnders was just Dot and Ethel chatting about the olden days it wouldn't be very good, but it was an unusual episode. It worked well. So now every couple of weeks they have these double headers. Jim Branning and Sonia have a heart to heart about how Jim should have been a better Grandfather to her and Robbie. Huw and Lennie reminisce about the time they made prank phone calls to Ian Beale. Big Ron and Winston argue about who fancies Angie the most. Too much. And the dialogue is awful again. All the actors think that this is their big chance so they'd better put in a powerful performance (Natalie Cassidy). Let's really act, they think. So they force it out, and everyone watching goes ooh look at Sonia she can really act. Big Ron's tears are so heartrending. I know just how you feel, Huw and Lennie.

I shall continue this later. Don't worry, Barry fans! I'll be making reference to Shaun Williamson in the next five reasons.

The television of note that I watched yesterday:

• Doctor Who. Excellent. Really excellent. But not without criticism. Point one, John Simm played the Master a little too wacky for my tastes. You wouldn't get Delgado or Ainley gawping like that (don't know about Pratt or Beevers). Point two, John Simm should have had an evil goatee. Despite these minor issues, he was far better than Eric Roberts.
• The Wire. I had to watch some of it with subtitles as I wasn't sure what the characters were saying. But it's very good. The EastEnders writers should watch the Wire to find out how people talk to each other. You don't get McNulty using metaphors about mistakenly getting on the wrong train. He does swear a lot though. And it's the worst kind of swearing, mind, so probably not suitable for your children. There's Mickey's tip for the day for you.

* I may have got this entirely wrong. I'm so very sorry.