Bad Mickey

I haven't posted in weeks. It's very bad, and like Davie in his last post, I am apologising to you, our many dear readers. Here's a selection of ramblings to make you wish I'd not bothered.

There's a lot of good television at the moment. It's difficult to find fault!

Yes, there are the adverts for mobile phone networks which have got nothing to do with mobile phones, and seem to say that buying a mobile phone will allow you to live in a world of teddy bears, or that buying a mobile phone will make you part of a gang of utter tools who have nothing better to do than pretend to make a rainbow with some coloured material.

And there's the advert for Loyd Grossman food products which in summary says "Buy the Loyd Grossman food product because Loyd Grossman talks with an unusual accent which people imitate." Who cares that it might taste like burnt sick*, listen to the way he says things!! It's unusual!

* I've not tried it but I'm sure it doesn't

At least they're better than that godawful one with the gorilla playing the drums. Eeh, it's so good. Look at the gorilla playing the drums!! Looka! He's playing the drums!! Buy our choccy cos the monkey's on the drums!! What's that all about? And it's not as if he's playing anything cool. He's playing Phil Collins! Phil Collins the man who decided it would be a good idea to do a cover version of the Cyndi Lauper whine-a-thon "True Colo(u)rs" and that all he cared about was that there would have to be lots of children in the video. Not exactly Pete Doherty.

So, the Apprentice. There are some hateful people in it this year. Out of the initial sixteen, only four of them seem to have any sense of humanity about them. The rest are vicious back-stabbing hateful blame throwing buckpassing egotistical delusional cocks.

Of the final eleven, I only have respect for Lucinda, Raef and LeeMcQueen. The other eight are all trying to be a cross between Hopkins (the nasty one from last year - don't get me started on her, seriously) and Ruth "Ruth Badger off of the Apprentice" Badger.

Alex, obviously, is a weasely (sp?) Jason Orange wannabe who spends all the task working out what is going wrong and making sure that someone else can be blamed for it.

My pick (see one of the posts below, the only mistake I've made so far this year), Jennifer, has not a shred of humanity within her cold cold soul. All she knows is how utterly brilliant she is at selling. And she's completely humourless.

Whenever Jenny, Davie's pick, speaks up for someone nasty, or belittles someone nice, she does it with such passionate monotony she dirties my soul. Kittens die when she smiles.

But the worst is Claire. Plain speaking Claire. No nonsense Claire. Ruth Badger wannabe Claire. Me me me Claire. Last night she cried as she won her task through bad planning, complacency, panic and luck. But if you'd tasted those tears, readers, you would have died. Pure poison.

So there you have it, a summary of all that is great about British television. Come back in another four weeks for another bunch of stuff about how I don't watch Britain's Got Talent and my thoughts on the advert from a few months ago where Pierce Brosnan tells gentlemen everywhere that they are indeed worth it.