Hurry Up Hiro!

I've spent the last six months telling everyone I know about Heroes. As I was the only person I know watching it on SciFi, it was a lonely experience, a bit like watching Battlestar Galactica. I tried to make up for it by telling everyone how utterly brilliant it was.

So I was very excited last week when it finally started on BBC Two. I sat down to watch with my hosts for the night, Davie and Mrs Davie, and was disturbed at how long it took to get going. There were all these scenes that were supposedly introducing characters but were fairly irrelevant. Hurry up with the scene about the mother shoplifting - it's not important. Show the flying man! Nikki's conversation with her redheaded friend was just timewasting, like a midseason episode of Lost. I wanted to see her get violent with Lindeman's thugs.

So, by the end of the first episode, Mrs Davie was asleep and I now fear for my reputation as being an excellent judge of television series. This was going to be the stepping stone I used to persuade people to watch Battlestar Galactica. Now my plans are in tatters.

I was pleased to read however that Zachary Quinto, who played Adam in day three of 24, and plays Sylar in Heroes is going to play young Spock in the new Star Trek film. I only pray that the other casting rumours surrounding the film have been made up by an overenthusiastic publicist.

Robbie Williams as Kirk? It's utter stupidity. While we're at it we'll have Cheryl Tweedy play a young Ambassador Delenn in the big screen reimagining of Babylon 5, and I don't know, Buster Bloodvessel to play a young Jean-Luc Picard. Robbie Williams. I'm embarrassed.

Over the last week or so, the things I've watched of minor interest are:

• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - It's a little too aware of how clever it is, but I still liked it.
• The Shield - Best show on television. Friday's episode was particularly grim. If you haven't seen it, do not start watching it now. We're midway through the final series. This isn't like your CSI's where you can watch any episode. Get the DVD boxed sets. I've got season one if you want to borrow it, although I might have leant it to a friend of Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP. I'm not sure. All my stuff is in storage so I can't check.

So I still haven't moved. It was supposed to happen on Friday but it didn't. I was furious. I've now been homeless for three weeks and cable/Sky-less for a month. The very thought of what I'm going through makes my heart bleed for myself.

He's still here

Yes dear readers. Mickey is still not in his new home. I fear he has become too accustomed to vegetarian chilli and blackberry and apple pie. To be fair to the makem minstrel as many call him, he is not inflicting too much sci-fi dross on me. In fact it has been a case of me educating him in the delights of the Sun Hill's finest in the Bill and I have successfully lured him back into the Walford web.

In addition to this I have started watching Dirt. I quite like it. It is light but does not take itself seriously and having seen 1 episode of Cape Wrath, that is quite relief. I normally like David Morrisey and was interested to see this was being billed as the UK version of Lost. It is not. It is so far up its own backside it cannot almost lick its own lips.

Mickey must go

Regular readers of Britain's favourite blog will be aware that Mickey is currently homeless. This has brought some chickens home to roost. Only a month ago I wrote that contrary to popular opinion, Mickey and Davie lived in separate houses and were not a modern day version of Eric and Ernie. Now we do live in the same house and with Mrs Davie working long hours are becoming more like the popular 70's comic duo than ever before. Clearly if I am going to be one of them it will be Eric, the funnier one.

But the house sharing almost came to an abrupt end readers. Why I hear you cry. Because, dear readers, Mickey deleted Thursdays episode of the Bill before I had watched it !! This is the equivalent of me deleting the last in the series of Heroes or Dr Torchwood or Vanished into Space or whatever other tripe is now filling up my sky plus memory !! He is on dangerous ground readers. Luckily he bought some nice food from M&S so I may let him stay a couple more nights.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me

This is ridiculous. I'm now homeless thanks to the laziness, intransigence (is that a word?) and laissez faire attitude (is that a phrase and if so, have I got the meaning and context right?) of the legal profession.

Why is it that it is up to me to organise professionals to do their job? I'm rubbish at that sort of thing. You should see the rubbish job I do of it in my own line of business, having to get lawyers to talk to each other is not my speciality. And yet, that's all I seem to be doing right now.

And so I'm living out of a suitcase. My PC and television are sitting in a storage facility somewhere in Throckley, my official address is my parents', and I am living my life with the tune from the Littlest Hobo going through my head on a constant loop.

The Littlest Hobo, as I recall, was rubbish. But I've reconciled myself to the fact that thanks to the theme tune it will now never leave me. And as night follows day, once I've realised I've got The Littlest Hobo in my head, the theme tune to the similarly premised Here's Boomer (which until just now I thought had just been called Boomer) pops in, although in my head it's much jazzier than the original.

I've also had that Paul Young song (about laying his hat) in my head a lot, but that goes very quickly as it's a very poor song, even when it was used for the McEwan's Best Scotch advert or whatever it was.

This is just an aimless ramble. I've got nothing to say.

What Davie and Mrs Davie watched on their television last night:

• EastEnders - At one point, one character, can't remember his name, something like Mickey Pierce, but wasn't he on Only Fools and Horses, professed moderate affection to his girlfriend. They were cuddling, and he couldn't see her face, but we could, and she had a troubled look. (cf point 7 in my list of why I don't like EastEnders).
• What About Brian - Krista Allen from the Emmanuelle in Space films was in it.
• Cape Wrath - Tom Hardy from Star Trek Nemesis (he played Jean-Luc Picard's clone, remember!) was in it. It went on for over an hour and a half. Davie and Mrs Davie didn't catch the end of it as they went to bed.

Hopefully I'll have a new home next time I write, but in case of further lawyer related delays, any readers wishing to put me up for a few days next week, please contact Mickey and Davie's TV Rant at the usual address.

Come on the lawyers

Lawyers - get your finger out. You know who you are. You are the people who are handling Mickey's house purchase. However as you have failed to do your job properly, Mickey is now homeless and living with Davie and Mrs Davie. Which my learned legal friends means that I am clogging my sky plus up with episodes of all types of sci-fi rubbish. Mickey has presented me with a list of things to record - Heroes, Dexter, Dirt and anything with Clare Sweeney in. This means I cannot watch the Bill and Eastenders which is all I am really watching at the moment. As one half of Britain's favourite TV bloggers not watching TV is probably not a great move. I may give Dexter a chance. One chance though viewers. Engage me within the first 15 minutes or lose me forever.

Doctor Who and the Lazy One Joke Comedienne

Ladies and gentlemen, I write this as half a man. What made me what I am has been taken away from me. I am living in a strange limbo world that resembles my OnDigital years.

Regular readers will be more than aware that I am currently in the process of moving house. I was informed by my solicitors that I'd be moving today, so Virgin took all my stuff away yesterday. Of course, I didn't move today and won't move until at least next week so I'm spending the next week or so without an internet connection or cable television. It's awful. I have to watch television like it's the seventies. I have to sit through the adverts. I started watching The Thick of It last night, and almost immediately decided I needed the toilet, but I couldn't pause. It was hell. An hour of pant-wettingly amusing comedy and me needing to go.

But that's not important. What is important is that someone at the BBC (someone, perhaps it was Russell T Davies, I don't know) decided that it would be a good idea to get Catherine Tate to be the Doctor's new assistant for the whole of the next series. Someone thought that rather than continue the recent trend of great storylines and good actors, they'll take a short cut and go for a familiar face with a personality that will appeal to the Little Britain generation.

It's an absolute disgrace. It's not as though I can give her the benefit of the doubt. I saw the Christmas episode (Christmas episode=rubbish, no exceptions) and it was made less than tolerable by Tate gurning her way through the whole sorry affair. Her character was annoying and ruined the Doctor Who dynamic.

And then you have all the reporting by numbers that goes on. "Is the Doctor bovvered?" reads the headline. Brilliant. It's funny because that's her catchphrase because it's the thing she says every single time she's on the damn television and it's funny because it's recognisable. "The nation has really caught on to this whole "Am I bovvered?" catchphrase, so let's reference it in our headline! It's really funny and what's more, it's really quite clever!" Utter idiots. Not only do they ruin the whole series for me by telling me who the new assistant is going to be, they remind me of that damn catchphrase.

Tate should not be allowed on television again. She should be told in no uncertain terms that if she can't come up with a new joke, she can get a proper job.

The news completely ruined my day and I blame everyone for it.

What I watched on television last night was the following:

• The Thick of It - It was very very funny. The Thick of It (and Curb Your Enthusiasm) are proof that swearing is the funniest thing ever.

I'm using Davie's broadband connection for this post by the way. He and Mrs Davie have invited me round for a bit of tea. They've been so very good to me in this my week of shame.

Found our voice have we Ronnie ??

The Shield is back. It is brilliant. Dear readers if you have not watched this programme before, shame on you. It is not too late to get into it. Watch this the last series. If you really do like it maybe you can persuade Mickey to lend you the DVD's. The best thing about it in episode 1 was that they have decided that Ronnie, one of the strike team can now have a few lines. poor bloke cannot have said more than 10 words in 5 series. In this first episode of series 6 you could not shut him up. "I know this about this suspect" "Let me go in a calm the hostage situation down" "I'll drive". You could not shut him up. I can imagine that actor David Rees Snell who plays our quiet hero will open his pay packet this Series and kick himself for not having spoken more in the past. It just goes to show David, shy bairns get less than Michael Chiklis.

My other topic for tonight was to be Tycoon - but Mickey has covered it all. Goodbye Jones. Get yourself back to Dragons Den and keep your head down.

And I hear the next series of Doctor Who has been cancelled. Is this correct Mickey ??