This writers strike

Michael. I am very pleased to hear you have bought the first Spooks series. I may need to borrow that from you. After all I hear these writers who are striking in the US are sticking to their guns. I am very worried about how little good TV will appear in January, which is of course the second most depressing month in the year after April. Already there will be no 24 until it is finished and only half of Lost. Probably will be no Desperate Housewives either. BBC3 seems to have decided that screening any other series of The Apprentice USA is simply too much effort. The Schofield brothers are probably going to be stuck in animated suspension in Panama until 2011. This strike is going to be a real pain as there are very few good British programmes that come out in the early part of the year. So with that in mind I am trying to get into the Unit on Virgin. President Palmer from 24 is in it and appears to believe he is playing the same character. It is quite good but I thought it would be more dramatic and have other twists. At the moment i appears to be an updated version of the A-Team except they have wives in the Unit. Still I will probably be glad of it in January.

Yes, Spooks

Davie (or Davy) is totally correct with his opinion of last night's Spooks.

I can honestly say that this series of Spooks has been the best British made drama series I have ever seen. Yes. I liked it better than Doctor Who. That's how good it was.

(I'll explain myself here. The last series of Doctor Who was magnificent in places, containing some brilliant episodes, but it also had some really crap ones - notably the ones with the Daleks in New York. This series of Spooks was consistently brilliant. There were no bad episodes. Every one was an absolute classic.)

I haven't watched earlier series, so I bought the first series on DVD tonight. I found it in Tesco for £15. I've heard it's not as good as this series, but I feel it's the least I can do considering how much enjoyment this series gave me.

The other thing I watched last night was the special feature length Battlestar Galactica episode, Razor.

I was a bit dubious when I heard about this - an all new episode, but set a few years ago - what's the point? I know none of the major cast members will die. I know that whatever happens, it won't affect anything.

And after I'd watched Spooks I was even more dubious. Nothing would reach the dramatic heights of the final scenes. I was going to be disappointed.

How wrong I was. I absolutely love Battlestar Galactica, and this episode was one of the best. Just because it's set in space it's easy to dismiss it as sci-fi rubbish, but it's so much more than that. It bears as much resemblance to Star Trek and the like as The Shield does to Jake and the Fatman.

And it had some really good scenes with old style cylons (you know like off of the old series with Face off of the A Team).

If this US writers' strike means that the final series doesn't get finished I shall never watch television again.

What I watched on television last night

• Spooks - it was okay. Kept me entertained, I suppose.
• Battlestar Galactica Razor. The usual scifi rubbish I normally talk about.

What I've just done there is the same joke I did here. Well done me.

Spooks

Spooks - absolutely brilliant. I had some doubts that the move away from the self contained episode would work but I need not have feared. The series finished tonight and it was a great ending. Poor old Adam has no luck. I hope they are going to do another series like this.

Did not watch Dragons Den last night - never fear readers, I do have it on Sky Plus but last night I was listening to Sir Ranulph Fiennes talking. He was telling us about his trips to the Antarctic. A very good speaker but a little bit mental - why would you put yourself through that kind of pain.

Apologies for the shorter blog tonight - need to take our new four legged friend out for a walk now.

December and he is still investing

Apologies to regular readers who will have noted a lack of activity on this blog in recent times. Mickey and I have been very busy and have even appeared in print. We have now got over the shock and are going to make a concerted effort to bring you, the readers, some hard hitting views on TV.

Now given my last sentence I must apologise for harping back to Dragons Den. It is Monday and I have just watched the latest episode. I was very excited when the BBC2 announcer started suggesting that Duncan may consider investing this week. And to be fair to big Dunc as I like to call him, he did invest £75k this week along with his good pal James "look at my chest hair" Caan. There was a catch though. That inventor who he invested in had offered to give Duncan a written guarantee that he would have his money back in 3 years. So really apart from missing out on a little bit of interest he is not actually risking anything. They may as well have a bank manager from Barclays on asking for money to deposit in a high interest current account. James seemed very excited to be able to throw more money at yet another investor. In the background you could see Peter and Theo sniggering at the hapless duo.

Before investing Duncan did give us a moment of pure drama though. An inventor had demonstrated his magnetic light bulb. The Dragon's seemed mildly interested. Duncan however quite rightly pointed out that if a Force 8 Hurricane blew through his house in Darlington, the light bulbs may fall to ground and smash and his children would have their feet shredded as they ran over the shards of glass. A very valid point Duncan - keep this up and you will soon get the Watchdog gig.

Worst. Show. Ever.

Once again I have gone weeks without a post (apologies to our hundreds of readers), but today I saw a programme that demanded my scrutiny and needle sharp criticism.

Today a programme arrived on my screen that makes one of Britain's best known entrepreneurs, Peter Jones' ill-fated vanity project Tycoon look like The Sopranos.

Britain Sings Christmas is an epic show in which a choir of top celebrities, including Diarmuid Gavin (sp?), ABC's Martin Fry and Janine from EastEnders sing the top ten Christmas songs according to a poll, and the British public get the privilege to vote as to which one of the tunes is the best. And Kate Thornton presents it! She's still working!

It is everything I hate - a Christmas special celebrating Christmas songs. Celebrities being cheerful about these godawful mawkish travesties of music. The title. Britain Sings Christmas. What does that mean? Can a country sing Christmas? The website even has a clip of James Blunt (James Blunt!) talking about why he thinks some Christmas carol should be the best one (I'd have looked at the clip to find out which one, but my PC is so bad now I can't play videos). One of the songs is that Carey squawkfest All I Want For Christmas Is You. And did I mention that it's presented by Kate Thornton?

Yes, yes, I know it's for charity, but really. Just because it's for charity doesn't necessarily mean it's good. How about Britain Vomits, where a selection of top celebrities such as Katie Hopkins from the Apprentice, Midge Ure from Ultravox and Anton du Bek (sp?) off of Structly Come Dancing eat a selection of raw diseased meats and month old dairy products (as chosen by the British public). The first to fill a ten litre container with their sick wins £10,000 for the charity of their choice. Would that be okay?

What I've been watching recently:

• I'm still persevering with Charlie Jade, on FX. I'm only eight episodes in though and it's getting increasingly difficult to watch. Things happen in it and the plot is progressing, but it's just really really dull. I wish I didn't have this strange compulsion to finish watching a series once I've started.
• The Riches. This has really grown on me. At first it was all a bit "yeah okay, it passes the time" sort of thing, but I'm really enjoying it. I have nothing further to say, other than Minnie Driver was in the worst film ever made, Hope Springs.
• Spooks. I've come into Spooks very late. I'm going to have to buy the DVDs of earlier series, as I absolutely love it. It's so good that it cancels out the badness of Robin Hood, and still leaves enough positive to counteract Bobby Davro in EastEnders.

I must confess that I only watched the first two minutes of Britain Sings Christmas. I tried watching more but as soon as I saw Simon Bates was in the choir I had to turn off. Bates is dead to me and I won't have him on my television. There. I've said it.

November and finally he has invested

It is indeed November Michael and last night finally saw the great entrepreneur Duncan Bannatyne finally invest on Dragons Den. Regular viewers of the BBC programme will be aware that Duncan last invested in an idea presented on the programme back in the early 1980's and has since seemed to make it his personal mission to be the first Dragon to say he has no interest in the idea or the person in front of him. In some ways I guess he had to go down this route as Peter Jones has already grabbed the mantle of "dragon with the great one line put downs". So it was really dramatic TV to see that he finally invested in someone last night. Now don't worry he has not gone completely mad and and he made sure he went 50:50 with new boy James Caan. James was desperate to invest in something and I think Duncan felt a bit sorry for him. The only problem was they have invested in one of the worst ideas ever to appear on the show(a website to order you takeaway from - you know rather than pick up the phone and actually talk) which was presented by an Aussie who is clearly going to do a runner with the cash leaving his very sweaty and very nervous partner to deal with the two irate dragons. I think Duncan will have the last laugh however. The money he has in front of him on his little table has been there for so long it may no longer be legal tender.

IT'S NOVEMBER!!!

I really really need to do this more often. It's not as though television isn't annoying at the moment. Christmas is coming and all the Christmas themed adverts have started. These have always annoyed me and they always will.

It's not just the fact that these godawful Christmas songs that you can't avoid in shops, in pubs, in parties and that, are also being played in my house over pictures of new settees and electrical equipment. It's the fact that the bandwagon-jumping idiots will be getting more royalties for it. If I buy a product from the advertiser, I'm rewarding the artist for writing a Christmas song. When I buy a sofa, I'm effectively going up to Mariah Carey, shaking her by the hand, giving her some money and saying "Have some money for writing All I Want For Xmas Is You".

You see, I'm no fan of Carey. I like rock music, and her soul/hip-hop/rnb type thing she does is everything I despise about music. Yet I do know that of her many works "All I Want For Christmas Is You" (maybe it's called "All I Want for Christmas (Is You)" or something like that) is one of the worst. And yet it keeps getting played and she keeps getting paid because it's a Christmas song.

And that hateful hateful Roy Wood. Even when supposedly Argos make a joke about it, it's still hateful. This ninety year old man getting hauled out every November to mime to a song that would have been forgotten thirty years ago had it not had Christmas in the title and those damned choir singing in the middle of it. Hateful.

At least that McCartney song hasn't been used in an advert that I've seen. I think the bit where the angelic children's choir start singing in "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" might be the worst moment in pop music. (What possessed him to write those lyrics and what possessed people to buy it? In what sense is multi-billionaire McCartney describing in intricate detail how he is thoroughly enjoying a traditional Christmas something you want to hear about every November?)

And don't try to say "Eeh, though, that Fairytale of New York is a good song" because it's not. It's as bad as all the rest. I'd do a top ten of my most hated Christmas songs, but it's a television review blog and I've sort of overstepped the remit already.

What I watched on the television last night:

• Top Gear. I hate Clarkson and all he stands for. I still like Top Gear though. I like to see the cars and that.
• Charlie Jade. This is a strange sci-fi type thing on FX. Parallel worlds and that. I think it's a co-production between Canada and South Africa. I sort of like it, as it has that strange unpredictable quality that you get with non-US science fiction (cf Farscape and Lexx), but I think the actual story itself might be really dull. I'm not sure yet. I'm giving it time.

So far I have managed to go through ten and a half months of the year without hearing Noddy Holder shouting "It's Xmas". Please, for the love of God, advertisers and television producers, make this the first year in the last thirty where I can go the whole twelve months.

Come dancing ? Dead to me

For some strange reason I have found myself drawn to the current series of Come Dancing on BBC1. This is particularly strange when you consider that I don't dance. Never have. Never will. But it seems quite good entertainment. You get to laugh at Bruce Forsyth - not because he is funny but just seeing how he manages to make a hash of every link. Tess his assistant is easy on the eye. There are some very attractive contestants - for both me and Mrs Davie to ogle. And finally there are the judges who you can imagine have been created especially for the show. The old doddery fool who has an eye for the talent, the two camp ones who bicker constantly and the female with the acerbic wit and botox lips. All good so far. Where the show falls down is with its elimination procedure. The judges give a score to each celebrity after they have danced. But then it is left to the great British public to vote by phone or text for who they liked the best. The two celebs with the lowest votes have to dance off and then the judges choose who stays. Where this plan fails is that the viewing public who watch this programme are clearly thick. For 4 weeks in a row they have voted to keep plucky Kate Garraway. Plucky ? Yes plucky because she hurt her ankle at the beginning of week 1 but has bravely continued. Well bravely continued or realised that this could be a nice little earner and give her numerous magazine front covers. I have nothing against this woman but she has limped around the dance floor like an injured elephant and been possibly the worst dancer I have ever seen (and I have seen Curiosity Killed the Cat live in concert). Yet each week they wheel out some ITV colleague to stress how brave she is and how if she gets another week she might be able to pull together a series of coherent movements that may just may vaguely resemble a dance movement. So vote for Kate. And people do. And a as a result the ones who are competent are put up for elimination. And as a result the celeb who was one of the best 3 has now been evicted. And as a result of that Gabby Logan and her lovely legs are out. Here endeth the sermon and also my interest in this sham of a programme. I knew there was a reason I was not interested in dancing.

Shame on you, Peep Show makers

Here I am. Apologies to my many fans for keeping silent for so long, but here finally is my verdict on the recent E4 comedy sketch show, Dogface. This was billed as a "comedy show that combines fast-paced sketches with stylish 'dog-based' animation from the makers of Peep Show."

It was actually a lazy show repeating the same unfunny situations over and over again within each and every episode, interspersed with dog-based animation where pub conversations were played over pictures of dogs playing pool and that.

I've complained about Little Britain before, but at least they show a particular sketch only once per episode. I watched one and a half episodes of Dogface. In the one and a half episodes I watched there were six "sketches" which involved a man (Super Hans out of Peep Show) talking to his friend about man-love. There were six "sketches" which involved a man (Super Hans out of Peep Show) and his wife (or partner) on holiday with the man's parents where the wife (or partner) says something fairly harmless to his mother, he tells his wife to shut up (rudely), the wife then repeats to the man what she just said to his mother, he tells his wife to shut up (rudely), embarrassed silence followed by the man saying something to his mother similar to the thing his wife had said. There were six sketches involving an unhappy weather lady (played by the woman who was in the episode of Peep Show where Mark pretends to be a University student, and who is now in the Peter Serafinowicz show) where the weather forecast degenerates into a rant about a broken relationship.

So what I'm saying is that they're showing these sketches four times per episode. So within a series of six episodes they would have shown these three sketches twenty-four times each. How can they live with themselves? A sketch that in Fry and Laurie's day would have lasted one minute is now stretched to get half an hour (after adverts).

And the sketches weren't funny anyway. Repeating them doesn't help. The sketches that my friends and I wrote when we were drunk fifteen years ago are more deserving of a comedy series than the rubbish on Dogface (although I think most of the sketches would probably have been a little offensive to certain religious groups).

Anyway, Peter Serafinowicz's show is much better. While there are repeated themes in the sketches, they are sufficiently different to meet with my approval. It's not the funniest sketch show ever made, but Serafinowicz is an excellent performer, and he does the best Alan Alda impression I've ever seen. I applaud him. If I had a special Mickey's Prize, this week's would go to Peter Serafinowicz.

Should I now go into what I watched last night?

• The Sopranos - Yes, it's good and it was the penultimate episode so lots of interesting things happened. I like the Sopranos.
• Some other stuff - I think I'll stop this what I watched last night thing. It's not really doing anything, and if all I watched was the news and a film, it doesn't really make for interesting reading.

I note that Armstrong and Miller return to our screens on Friday in a BBC One sketch show. They were prone to repeating themes in their sketches during their Channel Four days, but they didn't rely on catch phrases and repetition, and it was before Little Britain spoilt it for everyone else. I await their show with cautious optimism.

The Dragons are back

Hurrah - Dragon's Den is back on BBC2. Boo - they have dropped Richard the nice Aussie bloke presumably as he was likable and polite to investors and had an investing strategy whereby he actually was putting money into businesses. I mean how was poor Duncan supposed to compete with that.

There are new title scenes in a fetching red and the Dragons have all got nice new hair cuts and Duncan has been told to wear a tie. Presumably because new Dragon James has a hairy chest and is sure as hell going to show it off. Given that poor old Theo Paphitis dare not spend any more of his children's inheritance on such extravagant items as ties, someone had to wear one. And they have let Peter Jones continue. Presumably he begged them for a second chance after Tycoon flopped in the summer. Anyway a couple of them made investments but perhaps the most remarkable thing was what happened to Peter's hair during the hour. It started long and floppy but by 9.30pm it was short and appeared to have been tinted a lovely shade of blond. But by 9.55 the fringe was back. Watch the next episode and you will no doubt see him grow a beard in the first 30 minutes only to return to his baby faced shiny look by the end of the hour.

Don't sing on TV

I am enjoying the Restaurant. It is almost as good as the Apprentice. I would love to know how the BBC keep finding an endless supply of complete incompetents to star in these shows. The programme itself is a good idea and I have to say that the twins, (I think they are called are Laura and Jess) are surely going to win it and deservedly show. They are bright, attractive and differ from the rest of the contestants in that they appear to use common sense when making a decision. They are in the final 3 against the Scottish bloke who is actually a decent cook and seems a decent guy and his mrs (more of whom later), and also Jeremy and his mrs (who keeps crying at the merest hint of a problem. Knives are dirty - turn on the waterworks. Dropped a bread bun on the floor - breakdown in a flood of tears whilst the hapless Jeremy looks seemingly paralysed. They really should go next but I think this week's episode may have sealed the fate of the Scottish guy and his wife. The task they were set was to delight there customers. They decided that the natural way to do this would be to sing to their customers as they waited for their apple crumbles to be heated up in the microwave. An unusual decision to make especially given that the wife was clearly tone deaf. She absolutely murdered flower of Scotland and looked like she was pushing a number of diners close to the edge of suicide. But they survived if only because the Ghanian couple they were up against decided to delight their customers by giving them a strawberry after they had finished their meal. Where did they get such an off the wall idea from ?

Ian Beale

Ian Beale is not my favourite character in Eastenders. He has not qualities that are admirable or likeable. However he is essential to the programme as he has history and links the past to the present. I am usually not that bothered about his storylines. Ian buys cafe, Ian makes a lot of money, Ian upsets Phil, Ian makes a fool of himself with attractive woman but eventually marries, has child with and divorces said attractive woman. Never really been that bothered by any of them. BUT dear readers, the current storyline where Ian is seemingly being sent gifts/threats from Cindy his first wife has had me excited. It has been well done and because I no longer read Inside Soap I had no idea if Michelle Collins was going to come back and play Cindy. This has made it one of the most enjoyable storylines of recent times. I like being in the dark about storylines as it makes the outcome a little less predictable - well ok 9 times out of 10 you can guess but every once in a while you will be surprised and that has to be a good thing. Now I still do not know if they are intending on bringing her back - and if they do it will have to be a very good storyline. It will also mean that they have used this trick twice with Dirty Den and Cindy - so why not go the whole hog and bring Martin Kemp back - surely he must be sick of his SCS adverts by now ?

Nigella

Typical Mickey. He was wanted this blog for years, nay decades and now he has it he is inventing reasons for not blogging. Don't worry readers I am going to have serious words with him.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, there are now 423 cookery programmes on TV every week. I am pretty up to date with Gordon, Jamie and even James Martin on Saturday morning. I think my favourite may be the Aussie chef who appears on a Saturday morning on BBC1 and literally cannot take the smile off his face. His cooking looks ok, a lot of barbecue stuff but given he is an Aussie and lives in Australia that is probably not that unusual. But he grins constantly. It is almost as if he is thinking to himself "you pommie idiots are paying me to tell you how to cook sausages on a fire".

Anyway, yet again I digress. I watched Nigella Express tonight. The basic premise seems to be that Nigella cooks very nice looking food in very short periods of time. It all looks too easy. I like cooking and I quite like my friends. So once in a while I combine the two and cook for my friends. But it takes me ages. I have to think what to cook, but the ingredients and then cook it and that takes time. How come Nigella is able to do all of the above in less than an hour? Does she have assistants preparing the ingredients for her ? Do the BBC employ runners to nip down to the local Tesco and bring back the ingredients whilst she browses her Jamie Oliver cook book ? I have recorded today's episode so I might watch it again and see if I can see shadows of young children working away in the background, chopping onions and grating lemon zest whilst being whipped and cajoled by an over zealous producer. Don't worry readers - we will get to the bottom of this.

The Restaurant

Apologies to our many readers for lack of updates from me. My anti-virus software is preventing me from accessing any websites that require a password so I've been unable to blog. Perhaps it has an inbuilt quality filter which realises the rubbish I write shouldn't be published.

This week I have been watching the Restaurant. It's like the Apprentice only with a Restaurant at the end of it, not a job. It's also like the Apprentice in the way that half the contestants are utter numbskulls who shouldn't be allowed near a toaster. My favourite couple so far has been actress Jacqui and jazz drummer Sam.

Neither have any cooking talent. Jacqui spends all her time at front of house apologising to customers for the dreadful food served up like a nightmarish ex-Mickey Mouse Club member, and when Sam's not in the kitchen ruining everything by just being there, he's sitting at his drumkit looking all sad. The highlight of last week's shows was when Sam (who is so gutless he makes me look like Vin Diesel) told the assistant chef that he was sacked - despite him being the only one in the whole restaurant who had any talent. For embarrassment, it wasn't quite at the level of Mani's presentation from Apprentice series two, but it was close.

Compare the Restaurant with the usual reality dross from ITV, Hell's Kitchen. It might actually be quite good, but every two minutes it's interrupted by Angus Deayton's painfully unfunny comments (he's credited as writer - I think he's just going through the motions) so I stopped watching it after half an hour. And blimey, that Kelly Le Brock's not ageing well!

What else I've been watching this week:

• Kitchen Criminils - by the end of it, the recap at the beginning of each episode explaining each contestant's "journey" went on for so long there was no time for any competition. Vincent's prattling didn't stop. Thankfully, it's finished. I should have stopped watching weeks ago, but I hate to stop watching something once I've started.
• The Sopranos - now that the Shield has finished (now officially my second favourite programme ever (after Battlestar Galactica, of course)) the Sopranos is back to take its place. I'm often compared with Tony Soprano, so the programme is a bit like my life, except Tony's married and I'm not. Will I ever find future Mrs Mickey??

I'll see if I can sort my PC connection next week, might be something to do with cookies or something, but if it fails then I'll be silent until I get a new PC. Davie, hold the fort while I sort things out.

Get with the times Mickey

Mickey. The cookery programme has been done to death. If you flick through the Guardian guide you will notice there are exactly 45 cookery programmes on terrestrial TV this week and that is not including Hells Kitchen. You have Jamie, Nigella, James Martin, the fat bloke with the double barrelled name and even Andi Peters has his own show in which he experiments different duck recipes using his old sparring partner Ed's battered corpse.

Police programmes is what all the kids are watching these days. There are exactly 47 of them on this week. But I have distilled it down and you should only watch the Bill. That is the best one now the Shield has finished. I am catching up on last weeks episodes which I recorded when I was on holiday. It is just great entertainment and I like the way producers keep matching up odd couples to patrol the mean streets of Sun Hill. In CID, Phil Hunter and Stuart have some great banter going between them and appear to be trying to out gurn each other in every scene. It is a crying shame that Phil is leaving the Bill to join Eastenders, though I have no doubt he will be the best character in that since Martin Kemp. Anyway, back to the Bill - in uniform they have started pairing up new recruit Beth, who is the smallest policewoman in history (I thought there was a height minimum) and long standing old timers like Tony Stamp and Reg Hollis. There are some lovely one liners in each scene.

I a now fully up to speed with the Shield. For once I agree with Mickey. It is brilliant and I advise anyone who reads this tripe to take him up on his offer and borrow Series 1. You will be hooked. Series 6 has just finished and we now have to wait another 10 months before the final series. That is one long wait and I just thank the gods that I have Sun Hill to keep me company in the meantime.

Come on Tim

Yay. I have home internet access again. Finally. It's a little dodgy in that it keeps cutting out, and I'm only getting 1.7Mbps when I should be getting 6.5, but apart from that, I'm very happy.

Over the past couple of months, the stresses and strains of moving have put my futile television rage on the back burner. Why should I get angry about that advert about Mickey, ( you know, the ponce with different hairstyles), when my lawyer is sitting on his behind doing nothing all day unless I phone him every half hour? And what's the problem with that frightening lady singing about how I've got to think! About my currentaccount, today! every quarter of an hour while there is a seller who won't sign a house over, just because she's feeling reluctant even though there's been an agreement to sell FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS?

Yes, I can now once again concentrate on the serious issues affecting the world, and I'd like to start by pointing out how annoying Tim Vincent's narration is on BBC2's latest early evening cooking show, Kitchen Criminals (or Kitchen Criminils if you're ex-Tory leader Michael Howard).

It's all fairly standard stuff. Bad cooks chosen by professional chefs. Professional chefs then try to train bad cooks to be good cooks. Every day the worst bad cook goes home. At the end the remaining bad cooks will try to fool critics into thinking they're git good chefs. It's very simple and self-explanatory. And it's ideal for my weeknight dinnertime viewing (cf Masterchef Goes Large, Great British Menu. I'm pathetic, me).

So someone, and I think it'll be the same person who thought that Masterchef Goes Large needs a narrator, thought that this programme needs a narrator. And someone decided that the narrator should speak at all times explaining exactly what we can see with our own eyes, and reminding us what has just happened two minutes ago. The narrator also speculates as to what might happen next given past performances.

So Angela Hartnett, "one of Britain's top female chefs", is teaching her Kitchen Criminils how to fillet a bit of fish. It's fairly obvious that this is what's happening, she's showing them how to fillet a fish, and she's actually said, "I'm going to show you how to fillet this fish." But the narrator (played by Tim Vincent out of Blue Peter) then says "Angela Hartnett shows the Kitchen Criminals how to fillet a fish. They'll need to pay close attention to this as at the end of the day, the Kitchen Criminal who has made the most mistakes will be going home."

"Martha," says Angela, "come over here and help me scrape the scales away here." To which Tim Vincent says, "Angela asks Martha to help her scrape the scales away. Mortgage broker Martha has struggled throughout the week for consistency, will she be able to concentrate enough to be able to keep her place today?"

Tim, I know you're not writing this yourself, but please will you shut up. I don't need to be told what I can see and hear. I do not need to be reminded about what happened ten minutes ago. Your preview of the last half of the show is well meaning but not necessary for a half hour programme. Stop talking about Kitchen Zeroes becoming Kitchen Heroes. I know it rhymes, but it's not very clever when you say it every episode. And finally, work out one way of pronouncing the word "cook" and then stick with it. "Cuck, Coook, Cerk, Ceck." Just choose one.

Viewing of not much interest over the past few days:

• I've been watching this mini-series on Sky One. It's probably a repeat. Final Days of Planet Earth. It's rubbish and it really should be for kids, but it's been on at midnight last week. You've got some bloke from Ally McBeal (How I hated that programme, with the way they all went to the bar and sang and danced of an evening with that awful singer Vonda Shepard bawling her way through some dreadful cover of a Barry White song, not that I ever watched an episode), that Daryl Hannah lass and something about a conspiracy involving earthquakes and sinkholes and local government. And the preview summary gave away most of the plot anyway thanks to the idiots who write them having absolutely no sense of drama.
• The IT Crowd. Superb. There were many very amusing moments in last week's episode. I could recount them but they wouldn't translate well to the page, especially when I'm involved.

Davie is currently on holiday in Austria so he won't be blogging this week. Fans of sharp snappy reviews of soap operas will therefore have to make do with long drawn out reviews of obscure science fiction and cookery programmes. Many apologies.

Eastenders on holiday

Regular readers please do not be concerned. Mickey is still alive but is experiencing some frustrations with the nice people at Sky who have informed him it will be a further 3 weeks before he has internet access. He passes on all his love to you all, especially the ladies.

Eastenders is the best soap on tv right now. That I believe is fact. There are some interesting new characters and storylines about Max and Stacey, little Lucy Beale, Sean attacking Patrick (allegedly your honour) and the arrival of more Mitchells have all been well written and acted. However when I read that this week's programmes were the traditional summer holiday episodes, I had to think seriously if I was going to devote 2 hours of my life to it this week. Previous escapades have been excruciating to watch. Sometimes you cannot believe that the episodes have been shown to the general public. The Slater girls going on holiday a few years ago may have been an all time low and seemed to be telling the story that it is ok to break into someones house and tear up all his clothes if he is a bit posh or has a job which requires him to wear a suit.

This year's episode has actually been ok. I don't know if they deliberately selected the better actors like Pat, Minty, Garry and Shirley to make sure that at the very least the performances would be bordering on professional. Or maybe it was because they did not try to insert comedy into it. Eastenders is miserable. It is meant to be miserable. If I want to laugh I'll watch an episode of Seinfeld. And it was a stroke of genius to introduce Burnside from the Bill. Alright, he is not officially called Burnside but the guy who plays him clearly comes from the school of "one style of acting and that's your lot". In fact it has been so successful they should consider more direct transfers between Sun Hill and Walford.

Brian

What about Brian is unlikely to ever make it to terrestrial TV but for those who have E4 I would suggest you watch not one but two episodes of this US series. The first series was quite good. The story seemed to centre around a lovable loser, Brian who spent all his social time with 3 couples who were good looking and successful and eager to set him up with a dream date. That may sound a shocking premise for a show but it was quite good especially as Brian was in love with the fiancee of his best mate. In fact series one ended with him declaring his love for her as his mate arrived home and overheard through the window. All good stuff and enough to make me tune in for the second series.

The second series has been relatively enjoyable but they have killed one of the characters off in an accident, sent one to Minnesota which I believe is the equivalent of sending a character from Neighbours to Adelaide, and completed changed the direction that the remaining five character are going in. Now that may not be a bad thing and life does change I hear you all cry. And I agree. But life does not change direction every week. It is incredible how quickly this programme changes direction. Imagine if in Eastenders, Pat Butcher or whatever she is called these days decided to open a book shop on Monday, then on Tuesday decides to marry Jim Branning, then on Thursday decides she is going to cancel the wedding and is building a hotel which she intends on running with Ian Beale and then on Friday she finds out she has a terminal illness so asks Gus the roadsweeper to kill her. That is how the writers of What about Brian would write a week of Eastenders. Unbelievable.

O'Leary's shame

So, Sky Plus. I've had it for less than a week and I've already used up a quarter of the hard disk space. All it takes is a couple of films a week and it'll be full up within a month.

I was going to write about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (probably about the way everyone is smugly and self-deprecatingly competent), but I haven't watched this week's episode yet.

I did watch episode one of season four of the X Factor earlier today though. After the cliffhanger at the end of the last show where the Borg came along and assimilated Ray, I was expecting a fascinating episode, but it was not to be. All this bother about poor old Bear Grylls staying in hotels when he's doing his survival programmes, and a bit of misunderstanding about the Queen not having a strop (BURN THE DIRECTOR GENERAL! BURN HIM!!), but no-one cares about the utter pantomime paraded as real life drama which is the X Factor.

I'm no fan. I just can't stand the way that every episode there's the usual bunch of no-hopers that are put forward through the unfilmed stages just so they can be humiliated by the judges, followed by the discovery of the tragic yet relatively talented performer. As they leave the audition room weeping at their success, Labi Siffre's Something Inside So Strong comes on (because clearly when Labi Siffre (or whoever wrote the lyrics) wrote the lyrics they were thinking of some little squirt who can warble their way through "I Will Always Love You" like Mariah Carey in a yodelling contest with a goat).

And Cowell's going on about how having some fourteen year old singing a song competently vindicates him for allowing youngsters on to the show as though he's Princess Diana and this is all some sort of social project to provide Britain with a new Michelle McManus.

Then you've got Osbourne and she's all "Oh, I really miss Louis" and (rather cleverly) "I'm really sorry but... ...you're through!" (because, right? If you hear "I'm really sorry", right? You're all thinking, like, "Oh no, I'm not through", right? But then, right? She's all like, "You're through!" right? And like it was all her doing a little trick on you.) Like she didn't try to ruin an Iron Maiden concert just because the lead singer criticised talent contests.

And throughout it all, not one mention of poor old Thornton, sitting at home (perhaps eating a microwave dinner, maybe sitting in her underpants, possibly an unfinished easy sudoku from a free local newspaper sitting on the sofa next to her), her dreams of Saturday night stardom in tatters.

Mind you, it's better than DanceX.

What I watched on television yesterday:

• Nothing. I have a life sometimes. It was Saturday, after all. I'm in a new house. I've still got loads of unpacking to do, I need to buy new furniture, do a bit of weeding in my garden, work out where to put my pictures up etc.

In reality, I didn't do any work around the house. I just sat in my underpants and watched the cricket as the dust gathered around me. Much as it pains me, I fear I may be turning into the male Kate Thornton.

Home = yes, television = no

Yes, after four long weeks of moving from place to place, ruining the privacy of two of Newcastle's top celebrity couples and nearly destroying twelve-year friendships on the way, I finally moved in to my new home on Tuesday. I know it's not related to television reviews (sorry GP) but I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mr and Mrs Davie and GP and Haysto for cooking and cleaning for me, and for comforting me at three in the morning when I woke up with night terrors almost every night. I'd also like to thank the solicitors who dealt with my case for really speeding things along. Yes, it only took four weeks. Well done. It's a difficult job getting a few forms signed and arranging a date for completion, and you did it with the minimum of fuss (I only had to call you to chase things up literally four times a day every day for four weeks) and it only caused me four long weeks of stress, uncertainty and misery.

Anyway, much as I love my new house, you'd have thought that in this day and age they come with tv aerials as standard. It's not as though televisions are a new invention. So, I got my tv up and running only to find that I had no signal. It's extremely frustrating. I'm getting an aerial fitted in the loft this weekend (I have a loft - I'm a proper man!), but in the meantime I've got to make do with a portable aerial which can only pick up BBCs One, Two, Three and News 24 on Freeview. It makes my reviewing task a little tricky, especially when there's nothing on these days.

So instead of watching live tv, I've been able to catch up with my viewing of The Wire on DVD. I'm halfway through the first series and, as far as I can tell, nothing much has happened yet. I assume it's building up to something, but to be honest, I wouldn't care if it didn't.

Even though nothing much is happening, it's still really really good (See how my television reviews are witty and inciteful - "really, really good" is like vintage Clive James). There is a story which slowly progresses which is compelling and completely believable. And it's not like your Houses and CSIs which can be dipped in and out even if you've missed an episode (or series). (That, by the way, is a good thing. Ever since Babylon Five,I like a bit of a story arc in my drama.) If you miss an episode, even though nothing much happens, you may as well forget it.

Sorry, I just mentioned Babylon Five. It won't happen again.

What I watched in my new home on my old tv last night:

• Heroes - WHY DO THE BBC THINK THAT IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO SHOW THE SURPRISE EXCITING END MOMENT OF AN EPISODE AS A TRAILER TO THAT EPISODE?? The moment in the train where future Hiro comes to give present Peter a message is a magnificent bit of fantasy drama which sets the scene for the rest of the series. It should be a stand out moment full of surprise and shock which leaves you reeling and begging for the next episode. Instead it's shown as an out of context two second clip over and over again on the trails for the programme which completely ruins any suspense when it's shown in the programme itself.
• When I watched Hereos on SciFi a few months ago, whenever it came up with the "Next time on Heroes" trailer at the end of the programme, I would mute the television and cover my eyes so I couldn't see what was happening (seriously, I honestly did this). That way, the fathead television people who have no sense of suspense or drama couldn't spoil it for me. As a result, the Hiro from the future scene was a wonderful moment for me, as exciting as the Babylon Five episode where the guy in the spacesuit in Babylon Four is revealed to be future Jeffrey Sinclair. For everyone else, it's as dramatic as an EastEnders episode involving the kidnap of Wellard.

Normal service will be resumed soon. I get Sky Plus on Monday, and home internet connection will soon follow! Count down the days with me readers!

At home with Jamie and not Mickey

Right readers. First things first. You will all be pleased to learn that Mickey has finally got the keys to his own home and is no longer residing with me and Mrs Davie. This means that I do not have to sit through endless repeats of My Family and University Challenge and can watch what I want to watch at night again. And with that in mind, coupled with the Ginger Prince's gentle reminder that we are supposed to be reviewing TV programmes in this blog, I settled down to watch Jamie at Home on Channel 4.

I like Oliver. I like what he did with his restaurant and for school dinners. I am sure he has seen some financial benefit having appeared in the programmes and received a lot of free publicity, but at least he did something. I was therefore looking forward to seeing his new programme, especially when I read he would be doing recipes with tomatoes and sausages, which are two of the worlds finest food types. As you would expect, his recipes were good and the food looked top notch. His chilli, tomato and mozzarella salad even made me put my rhubarb yogurt down. But what I did not like was the fact that the cheeky cockney was cooking in his garden shed. I am not one of these people who is obsessed with cleanliness but surely he is contravening some health and safety laws by cooking in the same room as compost and worms ? I'll give him another chance but I hope next week he is back in the kitchen and not showing us how to make chilli con carne in the bathroom.

Hurry Up Hiro!

I've spent the last six months telling everyone I know about Heroes. As I was the only person I know watching it on SciFi, it was a lonely experience, a bit like watching Battlestar Galactica. I tried to make up for it by telling everyone how utterly brilliant it was.

So I was very excited last week when it finally started on BBC Two. I sat down to watch with my hosts for the night, Davie and Mrs Davie, and was disturbed at how long it took to get going. There were all these scenes that were supposedly introducing characters but were fairly irrelevant. Hurry up with the scene about the mother shoplifting - it's not important. Show the flying man! Nikki's conversation with her redheaded friend was just timewasting, like a midseason episode of Lost. I wanted to see her get violent with Lindeman's thugs.

So, by the end of the first episode, Mrs Davie was asleep and I now fear for my reputation as being an excellent judge of television series. This was going to be the stepping stone I used to persuade people to watch Battlestar Galactica. Now my plans are in tatters.

I was pleased to read however that Zachary Quinto, who played Adam in day three of 24, and plays Sylar in Heroes is going to play young Spock in the new Star Trek film. I only pray that the other casting rumours surrounding the film have been made up by an overenthusiastic publicist.

Robbie Williams as Kirk? It's utter stupidity. While we're at it we'll have Cheryl Tweedy play a young Ambassador Delenn in the big screen reimagining of Babylon 5, and I don't know, Buster Bloodvessel to play a young Jean-Luc Picard. Robbie Williams. I'm embarrassed.

Over the last week or so, the things I've watched of minor interest are:

• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - It's a little too aware of how clever it is, but I still liked it.
• The Shield - Best show on television. Friday's episode was particularly grim. If you haven't seen it, do not start watching it now. We're midway through the final series. This isn't like your CSI's where you can watch any episode. Get the DVD boxed sets. I've got season one if you want to borrow it, although I might have leant it to a friend of Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant GP. I'm not sure. All my stuff is in storage so I can't check.

So I still haven't moved. It was supposed to happen on Friday but it didn't. I was furious. I've now been homeless for three weeks and cable/Sky-less for a month. The very thought of what I'm going through makes my heart bleed for myself.

He's still here

Yes dear readers. Mickey is still not in his new home. I fear he has become too accustomed to vegetarian chilli and blackberry and apple pie. To be fair to the makem minstrel as many call him, he is not inflicting too much sci-fi dross on me. In fact it has been a case of me educating him in the delights of the Sun Hill's finest in the Bill and I have successfully lured him back into the Walford web.

In addition to this I have started watching Dirt. I quite like it. It is light but does not take itself seriously and having seen 1 episode of Cape Wrath, that is quite relief. I normally like David Morrisey and was interested to see this was being billed as the UK version of Lost. It is not. It is so far up its own backside it cannot almost lick its own lips.

Mickey must go

Regular readers of Britain's favourite blog will be aware that Mickey is currently homeless. This has brought some chickens home to roost. Only a month ago I wrote that contrary to popular opinion, Mickey and Davie lived in separate houses and were not a modern day version of Eric and Ernie. Now we do live in the same house and with Mrs Davie working long hours are becoming more like the popular 70's comic duo than ever before. Clearly if I am going to be one of them it will be Eric, the funnier one.

But the house sharing almost came to an abrupt end readers. Why I hear you cry. Because, dear readers, Mickey deleted Thursdays episode of the Bill before I had watched it !! This is the equivalent of me deleting the last in the series of Heroes or Dr Torchwood or Vanished into Space or whatever other tripe is now filling up my sky plus memory !! He is on dangerous ground readers. Luckily he bought some nice food from M&S so I may let him stay a couple more nights.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me

This is ridiculous. I'm now homeless thanks to the laziness, intransigence (is that a word?) and laissez faire attitude (is that a phrase and if so, have I got the meaning and context right?) of the legal profession.

Why is it that it is up to me to organise professionals to do their job? I'm rubbish at that sort of thing. You should see the rubbish job I do of it in my own line of business, having to get lawyers to talk to each other is not my speciality. And yet, that's all I seem to be doing right now.

And so I'm living out of a suitcase. My PC and television are sitting in a storage facility somewhere in Throckley, my official address is my parents', and I am living my life with the tune from the Littlest Hobo going through my head on a constant loop.

The Littlest Hobo, as I recall, was rubbish. But I've reconciled myself to the fact that thanks to the theme tune it will now never leave me. And as night follows day, once I've realised I've got The Littlest Hobo in my head, the theme tune to the similarly premised Here's Boomer (which until just now I thought had just been called Boomer) pops in, although in my head it's much jazzier than the original.

I've also had that Paul Young song (about laying his hat) in my head a lot, but that goes very quickly as it's a very poor song, even when it was used for the McEwan's Best Scotch advert or whatever it was.

This is just an aimless ramble. I've got nothing to say.

What Davie and Mrs Davie watched on their television last night:

• EastEnders - At one point, one character, can't remember his name, something like Mickey Pierce, but wasn't he on Only Fools and Horses, professed moderate affection to his girlfriend. They were cuddling, and he couldn't see her face, but we could, and she had a troubled look. (cf point 7 in my list of why I don't like EastEnders).
• What About Brian - Krista Allen from the Emmanuelle in Space films was in it.
• Cape Wrath - Tom Hardy from Star Trek Nemesis (he played Jean-Luc Picard's clone, remember!) was in it. It went on for over an hour and a half. Davie and Mrs Davie didn't catch the end of it as they went to bed.

Hopefully I'll have a new home next time I write, but in case of further lawyer related delays, any readers wishing to put me up for a few days next week, please contact Mickey and Davie's TV Rant at the usual address.

Come on the lawyers

Lawyers - get your finger out. You know who you are. You are the people who are handling Mickey's house purchase. However as you have failed to do your job properly, Mickey is now homeless and living with Davie and Mrs Davie. Which my learned legal friends means that I am clogging my sky plus up with episodes of all types of sci-fi rubbish. Mickey has presented me with a list of things to record - Heroes, Dexter, Dirt and anything with Clare Sweeney in. This means I cannot watch the Bill and Eastenders which is all I am really watching at the moment. As one half of Britain's favourite TV bloggers not watching TV is probably not a great move. I may give Dexter a chance. One chance though viewers. Engage me within the first 15 minutes or lose me forever.

Doctor Who and the Lazy One Joke Comedienne

Ladies and gentlemen, I write this as half a man. What made me what I am has been taken away from me. I am living in a strange limbo world that resembles my OnDigital years.

Regular readers will be more than aware that I am currently in the process of moving house. I was informed by my solicitors that I'd be moving today, so Virgin took all my stuff away yesterday. Of course, I didn't move today and won't move until at least next week so I'm spending the next week or so without an internet connection or cable television. It's awful. I have to watch television like it's the seventies. I have to sit through the adverts. I started watching The Thick of It last night, and almost immediately decided I needed the toilet, but I couldn't pause. It was hell. An hour of pant-wettingly amusing comedy and me needing to go.

But that's not important. What is important is that someone at the BBC (someone, perhaps it was Russell T Davies, I don't know) decided that it would be a good idea to get Catherine Tate to be the Doctor's new assistant for the whole of the next series. Someone thought that rather than continue the recent trend of great storylines and good actors, they'll take a short cut and go for a familiar face with a personality that will appeal to the Little Britain generation.

It's an absolute disgrace. It's not as though I can give her the benefit of the doubt. I saw the Christmas episode (Christmas episode=rubbish, no exceptions) and it was made less than tolerable by Tate gurning her way through the whole sorry affair. Her character was annoying and ruined the Doctor Who dynamic.

And then you have all the reporting by numbers that goes on. "Is the Doctor bovvered?" reads the headline. Brilliant. It's funny because that's her catchphrase because it's the thing she says every single time she's on the damn television and it's funny because it's recognisable. "The nation has really caught on to this whole "Am I bovvered?" catchphrase, so let's reference it in our headline! It's really funny and what's more, it's really quite clever!" Utter idiots. Not only do they ruin the whole series for me by telling me who the new assistant is going to be, they remind me of that damn catchphrase.

Tate should not be allowed on television again. She should be told in no uncertain terms that if she can't come up with a new joke, she can get a proper job.

The news completely ruined my day and I blame everyone for it.

What I watched on television last night was the following:

• The Thick of It - It was very very funny. The Thick of It (and Curb Your Enthusiasm) are proof that swearing is the funniest thing ever.

I'm using Davie's broadband connection for this post by the way. He and Mrs Davie have invited me round for a bit of tea. They've been so very good to me in this my week of shame.

Found our voice have we Ronnie ??

The Shield is back. It is brilliant. Dear readers if you have not watched this programme before, shame on you. It is not too late to get into it. Watch this the last series. If you really do like it maybe you can persuade Mickey to lend you the DVD's. The best thing about it in episode 1 was that they have decided that Ronnie, one of the strike team can now have a few lines. poor bloke cannot have said more than 10 words in 5 series. In this first episode of series 6 you could not shut him up. "I know this about this suspect" "Let me go in a calm the hostage situation down" "I'll drive". You could not shut him up. I can imagine that actor David Rees Snell who plays our quiet hero will open his pay packet this Series and kick himself for not having spoken more in the past. It just goes to show David, shy bairns get less than Michael Chiklis.

My other topic for tonight was to be Tycoon - but Mickey has covered it all. Goodbye Jones. Get yourself back to Dragons Den and keep your head down.

And I hear the next series of Doctor Who has been cancelled. Is this correct Mickey ??

EastEnders? Mickey still no like.

I don't know what it is about Runaway. I'm watching it but it doesn't really interest me. It's not that I'm insensitive. I think perhaps the problem is that I care too much. Perhaps I've given too much compassion to the world, and so now I have nothing left for Wahlberg and his family as they try to avoid detection by the FBI. Or maybe it's because the premise is a bit too much like the second series of Prison Break and I can't go through that interminable hell again (Sucre trapped under a branch for goodness sake!).

I'm going to do numbering with subheadings. It's easier.

Reason 6
When it was on twice a week, a plot building up over four weeks only took eight episodes of misunderstandings, stalled resolutions and genuine development before the denouement. Now the same plot lasting four weeks needs sixteen episodes. This means the writers have got to drag it out so that it loses any impact. You get the same amount of genuine development (because there's only so much plot) and the rest of the time is filled with these awful scenes where things look as though they're about to happen but in the end don't (maybe because Pat steps in with a cheery comment at just the wrong moment). The producers introduce more characters supposedly to fill out the show with more plots, but in reality the show has become all filler with the odd big event every couple of months.

Reason 7
Talking of those awful scenes where plot development is delayed for at least one episode, the worst is one they use all the time. It's the one where plot progression requires one character to say something to another character, usually something that they'll find difficult to say, something that they've been putting off. So, for example, I don't know, Little Mo needs to tell Billy that there are complications with her pregnancy. Usually this is pre-empted by Little Mo listening in on a conversation between Dot and erm Doctor Trueman where Dot is telling him that she always finds that telling someone something is better than keeping it in.

Little Mo then goes up to Billy, and grasping the nettle says "Billy, I need to tell you something. It's really important."
And then Billy says "Oh yes, I need to tell you something as well."
"Oh what is it you want to say Billy?"
"No, Little Mo, you first."
"No Billy, you first."
"Okay then. I'm really excited about the baby. I've bought this toy and everything. Oh, it's going to be great. And it's so good that there are no complications with the pregnancy or anything. And it is for that reason that I love you Little Mo."
"Oh that's great Billy."
"It is, isn't it. I'd probably kill myself if there were pregnancy complications! Now, Little Mo. What was it you wanted to say to me?"
"Oh, it' s not important. It can wait."
And then they hug, Billy looks happy and relaxed, but zoom in to Little Mo's face. She's looking upset and worried!! DRAMA!!! DUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUM! CLOSING CREDITS with Billy and Little Mo on the first screen!!!!!

Every other plot has this predictable device stuck in to string the story along for another couple of days. Do the writers think that we're all watching it going, OOH. This is exciting. She almost told him, but then didn't! Have they not learned anything from 24?? Do the terrorists ever say at the end of an episode, "We said we were going to blow the bomb up now but we were just testing you. We won't blow the bomb up for another sixty minutes"? (The answer for those who don't watch 24 is "No Mickey. They appreciate that to maintain drama they need to progress the plot so therefore they don't do that.")

Reason 8
And the fact that every rubbish magazine has the plots of soaps plastered on the covers doesn't help. There was a time when the only plot given away was a quote from the episode. "Poor old Reg" it may or may not have said for the first episode. And now we know exactly what will happen because there is a picture special of the crash into the canal and the bit where Den gets hit and Phil's mad girlfriend destroying Ben's toys. Let us find out for ourselves! Watching a new episode of EastEnders is like watching it for a second time within a week.

Reason 9
Wait, let me think. I know this one. Yes! Characters changing so that they become the same as the actor who plays them. I can only think of two examples. Billy Mitchell, who went from evil cowardly child abuser to tragicomic idiot. And Barry from EastEnders, who went from dodgy dealer with underworld connections who found a contract killer so that Cindy Beale could get Ian killed, to tragicomic idiot.

Reason 10
The episode where Dot did euthanasia on Ethel Skinner was brilliant, and whatever they do after that will always be complete crap in comparison.

And they are my top ten reasons for why I don't watch EastEnders anymore.

The television of note that I watched last night:

• Tycoon - It's as bad as they say. It's only like Dragon's Den meets the Apprentice if, when they met, both Dragon's Den and the Apprentice were dead and had been dead for three years. And Peter Jones keeps on moaning about how great and philanthropic he is putting his money on the line here. He's put £180k out of his £200million fortune into it. That's the equivalent of a few quid for the rest of us. And it's done by his production company, so he'd get any income from the programme anyway. And it was probably all his idea to give away the money. And that's why it's been axed from primetime. It's a vanity project. First he drops Richard Farley from Dragon's Den and now he inflicts Tycoon on me. Still, at least he got rid of that freaky kid ("I'm shutting your operation down!" he said. There should have been a follow up programme on ITV2 with Mark Pougatch, "Tycoon: Your operation has been shut down").
• Vanished - It's five's US import about an American senator's wife who vanishes and the people who've done it are always one step ahead of the FBI. It's very much like Channel Four's US import Kidnapped, and just as dull. You can really tell that the television companies are scraping the barrel at the moment. Hurry up and get showing the Shield.
• Rome - I don't really have much to say about this. It's another one where it's lacking something. I don't really care about it. I don't really look forward to watching it. It'm suffering television compassion fatigue.

This was a very long blog entry. In hindsight I should have split my reasons into three, but I hadn't realised that Reason 7 was going to take so long to articulate. I apologise for the inconvenience.

UK Gold - pure gold

Regular readers will know that I am a big fan of the Bill. I love the Bill. They very rarely make mistakes - Mickey referred correctly in my opinion to the Eastenders double headers - too many of them - just because you won an award for doing the first one does not mean you will win one every time John Yorke. No the Bill sticks to what it does best. Apart from the Romania episode. Even though that had my favourite CID character, DS Hunter in it, it was poor - mainly because they put bad background music in to signify the end of a scene. Anyway, I digress. I love the Bill so much I have started recording UK Gold episodes. At first I feared I would remember the plot and it would be boring. Wrong Davie. Wrong. Even though I have a mind like a steel trap I cannot remember what happened in the majority of the episodes and therefore I am getting 5 UK Gold episodes and 2 ITV episodes of one of my favourite programmes a week.

I watched Runaway episode 2 last night. I enjoyed it. Donnie Wahlberg is a good actor and I am starting to be bothered about what happens to the family. I know Mickey is not. Maybe it is because I am more sensitive eh readers ? (Especially the female readers ??)

Mickey no like EastEnders

As Davie says, I used to watch EastEnders. In fact I used to be a very big fan. From the moment when Pete Beale, Den Watts, Ali Osman and Andy the Scotsman* bashed open the door to poor old dead Reg's flat, to Alfie Moon's courtship of Kat Slater, I watched every episode. (Apart from the odd one obviously. I'm not an obsessive. And I didn't watch it when I was at University. I was too busy partying with my fellow mathematicians.)

And now I hate EastEnders. For years I've been receiving emails from faithful TV Rant readers begging me for a reason for my change of heart over the popular London based soap opera. For years I have remained silent. Until now.

So, I now give you, in two handy chunks, my top ten reasons why I no longer watch EastEnders (I'd do it in reverse order, but I can't work out how).

1. Everytime a popular character establishes him (or her) self on the show, they are poached by ITV for a million pound exclusive contract. The actor (or actress) thinks that they've done well in Eastenders, so they're bound to do well playing an ill thought out cop in an ITV Wednesday night drama-by-numbers. And if you've got Hermione Norris playing the wife (or Steven Tompkinson playing the husband), then what can go wrong?? They end up singlehandedly destroying an entire genre. Their careers have stalled, they're stuck in a five year exclusive deal (earning them £20 million per annum) and EastEnders has lost a good character.
2. Everyone works in and around the Square. If a new character joins the soap who works somewhere else, give it a couple of months and they'll be working on the market, at the Vic, or (if they're intelligent) at Ian Beale's latest business venture. A new businessman will purchase either the car lot or the nightclub. (Is it still called Angie's Den? That name could have been a reason on its own.)
3. The writers have no perception of how people speak. I remember one episode a few years ago when Phil Mitchell was talking to someone about his alcoholism or something. Maybe he was talking to Sharon, or Mel, or Janet Dibley, I don't know. But he started talking about how it felt, he spoke for five minutes solid describing his life in a metaphor about a train journey or something. There were no awkward pauses while he was trying to think of what he was saying. There were no "erm"s. His audience of one was captivated. It was clearly the writer thinking they were doing this great job at writing a heartfelt and tragic speech. But this was Phil Mitchell talking off the cuff. This man wouldn't have got a single CSE at school and yet he's waxing about how you turn around and realise that the train you thought you were on was going in the opposite direction and the train you're actually on is rushing headlong into a tunnel that has no end. And Mel or Sharon or Janet Dibley is listening to this with a straight face.
4. The illfated EastEnders Christmas Singalong Special. For the rest of my life I have to live with the memory of watching Shane Ritchie and Jill Halfpenny singing Fairytale of New York in the Caff. It was like a car crash. I couldn't turn away.
5. The head to head episodes. I remember there was an episode about twenty years ago or something where Dot and Ethel were the only characters and they just chatted about the olden days. It was fairly irrelevant to the plot, but it was well done, people liked it. As a one off, I liked it. Clearly if all EastEnders was just Dot and Ethel chatting about the olden days it wouldn't be very good, but it was an unusual episode. It worked well. So now every couple of weeks they have these double headers. Jim Branning and Sonia have a heart to heart about how Jim should have been a better Grandfather to her and Robbie. Huw and Lennie reminisce about the time they made prank phone calls to Ian Beale. Big Ron and Winston argue about who fancies Angie the most. Too much. And the dialogue is awful again. All the actors think that this is their big chance so they'd better put in a powerful performance (Natalie Cassidy). Let's really act, they think. So they force it out, and everyone watching goes ooh look at Sonia she can really act. Big Ron's tears are so heartrending. I know just how you feel, Huw and Lennie.

I shall continue this later. Don't worry, Barry fans! I'll be making reference to Shaun Williamson in the next five reasons.

The television of note that I watched yesterday:

• Doctor Who. Excellent. Really excellent. But not without criticism. Point one, John Simm played the Master a little too wacky for my tastes. You wouldn't get Delgado or Ainley gawping like that (don't know about Pratt or Beevers). Point two, John Simm should have had an evil goatee. Despite these minor issues, he was far better than Eric Roberts.
• The Wire. I had to watch some of it with subtitles as I wasn't sure what the characters were saying. But it's very good. The EastEnders writers should watch the Wire to find out how people talk to each other. You don't get McNulty using metaphors about mistakenly getting on the wrong train. He does swear a lot though. And it's the worst kind of swearing, mind, so probably not suitable for your children. There's Mickey's tip for the day for you.

* I may have got this entirely wrong. I'm so very sorry.

Never sing on TV

Readers will be getting confused. Firstly a non-rant from Mickey. Now I am about to shock our beloved readers to the core. Last night's episode of Eastenders was appalling. I am a big fan of the London based soap opera. Even in the dark days of 2003-2006 when Mickey, GP (good friend of Mickey and Davie) and Cuddles (a new character for you to wonder about) deserted the show, I stayed loyal. And I have been rewarded by some good episodes. There are good characters residing in e20 right now. Max, Tanya, Stacey, Sean, Shirley, Garry and Patrick to name a few. Even little Darren Miller is turning into a star. But last night's episodes was just poor writing. Dawn Swann (very attractive and not a bad actress) gave birth you see. That in itself is fine. But the scene where she asked Carly Wicks to sing her a song to get through the pain of childbirth nearly made me walk away from TV forever. Of course being a good East end girl, Carly chose "consider yourself one of the family". I am not sure that is the name of the song but you know the one I mean. Not only did she sing it, she did a little Dick van dyke style soft shoe shuffle when singing it. JESUS. They have clearly had this moment planned for years. It was the type of thing you would have imagined Alfie Moon doing and viewers lapping it up. But of course Richie left to do, well not really sure what he does these days, but the idea was there and was going to be put on our screens NO MATTER WHAT. As a wise man once said. What the mind can conceive, the body can achieve.

Doctor Who and the West Indians

The first few episodes of Doctor Who this series were okay. Hospitals on the moon. Shakespeare and witches. Father Dougal wearing a cat outfit. Fair enough. Nothing startling. Business as usual if you like.

Then there were the Daleks in New York - with a side plot of an annoying stereotypical showgirl and her pigfaced boyfriend, and the awful humanisation of Dalek Sec which completely missed the point of why Daleks are good. The one with Mark Gatiss turning into a funny spider thing was okay I suppose. After that there was the Cindy Beale in space episode, in which the Doctor got taken over because a star looked at him funny. Rubbish.

But then we've had the last four episodes. Firstly we've got what sounds like a dreadful premise of the Doctor changing into a human, falling in love (with Cheryl from the Royle Family) and getting threatened by scarecrows. These were the best two episodes of Doctor Who since the Peter Davison years (if not the Tom Baker years!). Then there was the one with the funny statues that had funny quantum observation things going on, with the pretty one from Bleak House. It was all internally consistent time paradoxes and that. I really love that sort of thing. Then this Saturday we had what looked to be a pretty run of the mill episode - having avoided spoilers I just thought it was a vehicle for John Barrowman to come back in time for the last two episodes, but it turns out to be the return of clearly the best Doctor Who baddie of all time.

So, I've got nothing bad to say about it. No. Well done, I say. I've doubted Russell T. Davies recently, especially after Torchwood (which was like a series of bad Doctor Who episodes with swearing, and "adult themes" tackled in a really adolescent way. It had better get better this coming series otherwise I may watch it with not much enthusiasm). But these past few episodes have really delivered. In spades, as they say, although I'm not sure what that means.

Seems a bit weak this. And I haven't really watched much telly to talk about in my bulletpointed guide below. Next time I'll think of an advert from the last couple of years that really annoyed me and have a go at that, eh?

My bulletpointed guide to the telly I've watched:

• Heroes - Lordy. I like Heroes. I think there are about three or four episodes to go. But I'm moving in a fortnight, and I'll be without the SciFi channel for a bit. After nineteen episodes I'm going to miss the end. Perhaps Davie will record it for me...?
• I saw a little bit of a BBC Three new comedy sketch show entitled Touch Me, I'm Karen Taylor. After literally two sketches, I knew exactly what the punchline was going to be in every other sketch. This was because there were only two different sketches being shown, the rest were just those two sketches repeated in slighly different situations. And they weren't funny. Honestly. I really did know what was going to happen. I was disgusted.
• Oh, I saw the cricket as well. I went to the test at the Riverside on Friday, but it was rained off. Had really good seats and everything. Very disappointing. Too disappointing even to get angry about. I did get to see the West Indies cricket team and popular bent fingered umpire Billy Bowden though.

Wendy and The Wire

Regular readers will know that I have little truck with the news. Don't get me wrong - I am interested in what happens to the world and who is Prime Minister etc. I am after all a highly intelligent man. I just don't watch the news. I see no point in wasting half an hour of my day when I can read the Internet much quicker than Huw Lewis can get through his script. I do however retain a soft spot for Look North. When you watch Look North it is like watching an old friend. It is comfortable. So readers, imagine my excitement when on Thursday night I met Look North's very own Wendy Gibson. She was hosting an awards night for people who add up and do other complicated sums. People like our good friend Mickey or Mrs Davie. She was very pleased to get the chance to talk to a non-sums person like me. We got chatting but it soon became apparent she was not going to get me a part on the Bill so as soon as I had finished my champagne I left her to it. Still it was exciting to meet a TV star.

Mickey lent me the first 3 episodes of the Wire this weekend. I have watched the first episode. I like it. No dramatic ending like in 24 or the Shield, but a satisfying start. Given the choice of that or the latest drivel that Cowell is serving up on ITV, there is only one winner. I will keep readers updated as to the progress of this series. I do have high hopes but Wendy let me down so maybe the Wire will to.

Celebrity Masterchef Returns To A Normal Size

"Celebrity Masterchef is back," she announces dramatically, as the camera pans to show Greg grinning and John looking a little serious.

John and Greg then explain to each other about how the celebrities will have to cook well if they want to win the competition. This is interspersed with footage of said celebrities explaining how they would like to win the competition.

And as the title comes up on screen saying "Celebrity Masterchef", she announces (dramatically) "It's Celebrity Masterchef!"

During the next half hour she then explains (dramatically) who the celebrities are.

("Sue Cook is the well loved television presenter." Well loved? Sue Cook? She's not disliked, I grant you, but would you put her in the same league as Norman Wisdom?)

She goes on to explain what the celebrities are about to do. She then explains (dramatically) what the celebrities are doing. She also reminds us (dramatically) what the celebrities have done. All very dramatic, all building up the tension, all speculating on what will happen next.

"Spider off of Coronation Street impressed with his tuna and cheese melt in the invention test, and he excelled in the professional kitchen. But will he be able to keep up this great form in the Final Test?

"Her out of Cash In The Attic had mixed reviews for her spaghetti hoops, and she struggled with the pressure of the professional kitchen. But will she be able to I don't know do better in the Final Test?" Etc.

It's easy to just ignore her rubbish narration, but if you actually take time to listen to what she is saying, really concentrate, you realise that she's just talking for the sake of talking. She adds nothing. There. Is. No. Need. For. Her. To. Be. There.

She's always been on it, it's just that I hadn't really noticed how annoying it was until it was pointed out to me. By my mother. It really riles Mickey's Ma. And now it really riles Mickey.

And how come all the programmes I like get cancelled and that's it, while the absolute rubbish which was Jericho has a few fanboys sending peanuts to some CBS executives and suddenly they're all, "ooh let us make you another seven episodes fanboys!"? And now I hear that the best television series ever, Battlestar Galactica, has only one series left. I just hope they do a reimagining of Galactica 1980 as a follow up series.

And SrAlan didn't fire that awful fame seeking want-to-be (as I like to call them), she pulled out herself just so she can get a story in the Daily Mail. Let's all agree from now on, if she's ever on television again (and she will be) we all just turn over.

Oh, and well done Sky for taking Prison Break from Channel five. Once again you take anything half decent away from free to air television and force people to pay for your damn dish. "This edge-of-the-seat drama is the perfect addition to our must-see slate of US programming." says David Smyth, head of acquisitions at Sky One. Does your mother know what you do for a living, Smyth? Can you look your children in the eye, Smyth? Can you?? Smyth??

Here's my television viewing from the night before:

• The Apprentice and The Apprentice You're Fired - So farewell Lohit. You were my tip (based purely on appearances, remember) for winning this year's series. Though I knew that you would never win once you opened your mouth, it was always good to see you progress further than Davie's and friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, GP's tips. This means that I win the tile with a picture of a chimpanzee sitting on the toilet and holding a banana, which was mine in the first place and which I wouldn't have given away had I lost.

Million dollar smile

Michael. That is right. I flashed my million dollar smile at the Channel 4 execs and hey presto they buy another series of What about Brian. Ask me to do the same to the execs at Sky one and you may get another series of Battlestar Far Trek or whatever it is called.

It is Sunday evening and I am very excited about the finale of 24. Through reading some website which I don't normally do, I have discovered that there potentially could be a face from Jack's past returning tonight. They do generally end 24 very well. Jack crying, Jack having to go off into a life being called Frank, and then the Chinese bloke getting Jack and within 3 minutes getting from the city airport to the docks, boarding a cargo ship bound for China, beating him up and getting a good 20 miles out to sea. I cannot wait to see what they do tonight. I think, and viewers of Britain's most loved blog will know my predictions recently have been poor (the Dr to win the Apprentice - what was I thinking ?), it will be Tony Almeida.

Did not watch much TV last night. It was Saturday night. However Mickey and Davie sat up with a whiskey and saw Justin Lee Collins, or JLC as Mickey calls him try and re-unite the Dallas cast. Did not really care but it was disturbing to see how wrinkly actress Susan Howard's neck looked. She played Donna Krebs for those who are interested. I imagine readers are excited and now believe Mickey and Davie live in the same house like Eric and Ernie. We do not and I can report Mickey got a taxi home at about 12.30am.

What about What about Brian?

HAH A HAH AH AHA HAA. Look what me funnee did? I'm so very clever and amusing.

Davie has just experienced what happens all the time with my programmes. Cancellation without resolving the plot.

Farscape ended with the two heroes being shattered into thousands of pieces by an unknown alien. Twin Peaks ended with Agent Dale Cooper taken over by Killer Bob laughing into the mirror as Heather Graham did something or other in the bathroom (or something, I'm writing from memory here). The Tripods ended with Will and Beanpole (played by Ceri Seel as I remember) getting back to their camp only to find that the Tripods appeared to have killed everyone. All because some tv executive knows that I quite enjoy the programme.

All the programmes Dave has ever watched either go on forever (e.g. The Bill) or end naturally with all plot loose ends tied up (e.g. The West Wing, NYPD Blue).

But now Davie, the boot is on the other foot. Now you can feel the frustration that I feel of never knowing how David Boreanaz and his rag-tag band of followers got out of the big fighty situation they were in when Angel got cancelled. You will relive Brian's argument over and over again in your sleep just like I still wake up hearing Avon's laughter at the end of Blake's Seven.

(I once saw Blake out of Blake's Seven. I was going into the gents and he was coming out of the gents. It wasn't that much of a coincidence though as it was at a Blake's Seven convention.)

Anyway, my point is that it always happens to me and you don't catch me complaining. Apart from when I complained about it a few posts ago.

And another thing. What About Brian has been cancelled but because Channel Four are so far behind, you've still got another series to watch. Davie's fallen on his feet once again. Just like always.

Here are my thoughts on the reality programmes which were on television last night:

• Apprentice and Apprentice You're Fired - An absolute mockery. How S'rAlan could sack Naomi after Simon's utter disaster of an effort is beyond me. Still, Lohit's still in it, although I can't see him getting past the interviews. Kristina and Tre will make it past the interviews and Kristina will win. Whey, that's Mickey's tip for you.
• Oh, and another Mickey's tip for the producers of The Apprentice You're Fired - Stop putting that awful twisted nasty woman on my television. If there's anyone I hate more than Jennie Bond, it's Vanessa Feltz with her populist rants and "outrageous but a lot of sense when you think about it" opinions. I hate Feltz more than I hate Katie.
• Big Brother - What a great bunch of people. I hope the twins win. They look like a lot of fun! I wish I'd been in the crowd! And all female! What an intriguing twist!

I was actually going to write about the welcome return of Masterchef in its Summer Celebrity format but I got sidetracked by Davie's What About Brian thing, and when I'd thought of that Brilliant title for this blog entry I decided that CM must wait. Don't worry, Opinions-about-John-and-Gregg fans! I'll have some hilariously witty observations about them next time.

What about Brian

Michael. As summer approaches we are generally happy at the thought of test cricket and bbq's with art competitions at our good friend the Prince's house. However summer has a downside. The end of Lost, 24, Prison Break. Ok there is the Shield to look forward to. I think I read, but I may have dreamed that it begins on a Tuesday this year. Mistake on Five's part - they should put it on Sunday. But like you I am now searching for the next big thing. What am I going to watch through the summer that is going to grip me. I gave up Big Brother last year and have no intention of going back, unless there are a lot of pretty girls. I decided to give "What about Brian?" a go. Initially because the way the Guardian TV guide described it, it seemed to be an opportunity to compare Brian to you Michael. But it was mildly interesting, had some attractive lead women and the story about one of the couples having an open marriage was new. Brian's obsession with his best mate's other half was also handled quite well. But, just as I am getting in to it - Series 1 finishes. After 5 episodes. Just as everything is developing. And to make things worse there is no second series. So the cliffhanger which involved Brian's best mate overhearing Brian and his mrs arguing is now irrelevant as there will not be a second series. Why did the writers not pen one more episode to finish it off? Frankly I am angry.

The Eight Deaths of Television

Hey now Davie. I know Richard was your favourite. He was my favourite as well. Him being sacked from DD is an injustice and a travesty, but the death of television? Surely that's something that will happen this week when BB8 starts.

Yes, I've cunningly started this post by referencing Davie's last post then shoehorning in a reference to what I really want to write about. Big Brother.

Summer is about to start and all the good programmes on television have finished or will finish within weeks. The magnificent Battlestar Galactica finished a couple of weeks ago (great ending by the way). 24 and Lost will finish within the next week and a bit. I think Day Break might be about to end as well (Day Break is really good! It's about a cop forced to live the same day over and over again like in that film, and each episode he gets closer to find out who has framed him for murder. And he does a little narrative at the start which is reminiscent of Jack Bauer's "longest day of my life" narrative at the start of the first series of 24. I'm really enjoying it).

Oh and there are only three more Apprentices.

So the point I'm making is that apart from Doctor Who, Heroes and the Daily Show, that'll be it for Mickey's viewing in Summer.

It's not a new problem, it's just that this year I've decided that I'm not going to watch Big Brother (you see, it's all coming together).

Firstly because it's all been done before, they can't top BB3 with Alex and Jade before she was famous, and no amount of intrahouse conflict will be as good as the almost violent BB5.

Secondly because I hate all housemates once they've left the house and think that it can be used as some sort of springboard to a career in the media and a showbiz lifestyle. Look at Davie and me, we've sweated blood over our careers. It's only after months of hard work delivering opinions that we can now hob nob with the likes of the Rugby League correspondent from the York Evening Press. And yet the likes of Doris from Big Brother 4 thinks that a couple of weeks sleeping in a house with the dullest people in the country entitles her to my lifestyle? I think not, Doris. I think not.

Finally because of Davina McCall. Her awful gawping at the camera, her sly winks and knowing chuckles, her viciously offensive assumption that we're watching Big Brother because of her. She's not as bad as Jennie Bond, but she's close. She's very close.

I'll watch the first one, just to see who's in it. Y'know.

Friday's viewing

• GBM - The results show. The results were that for each course the public agreed totally with the judges, so having a public vote was a complete waste of time, money and effort, just like I implied in my last post. This proves that I am excellent. The starter and the fish course both contained a lot of egg so if they invite me to the Ambassador's Dinner in Paris I shall decline as I am no fan of the egg.
• The Aristocrats - An unusual film where a lot of comedians discuss an unamusing but offensive joke that is popular amongst comedians.
• Have I Got News For You - Alexander Armstrong was the host. I was at University with Alexander Armstrong. I never spoke to him. He was one of the cool kids and I was a mathematician from the North East. But now look at us.

Jones and Theo - shame on you

Regular readers of Britain's best loved blog will know that I am a big fan of Dragons Den. I also admire Aussie dragon, Richard because he treats people with respect and even if he is not going to invest does not see the need to try and demean them like good old Dunc or crack a prescripted wisecrack like Jones. He does not lead them down the garden path only to say he is not interested in investing like one trick pony Deborah. Or perhaps he does not talk about his fantastic retail experience every single minute like the Greek lad. So why, BBC and I'm looking at you in particular Evan Davis has Richard been dropped from the panel. Was it because he was being nice to people ? Was he taking too much interest in their product and asking intelligent questions as to the viability of the product ? Was he actually investing in these hapless dreamers ? Or was he just getting on certain dragon's nerves ? Television died last night ladies and gentlemen.

Another rant at an out of date advert

What is it with people in adverts? Do advert makers deliberately make them stupid?

We used to have the More Than family, who demonstrate the wisdom of having insurance by recklessly allowing their out of control dog to go around and nearly cause fatal accidents, to which the family just look at each other, sigh and say a crappy catchphrase.

There was the one where the dog (I believe him/her to be called Lucky) is left in a car parked on a slope whereupon he/she takes off the handbrake and almost causes the deaths of countless young mothers and their babies.

Firstly, don't leave a dog in a car with a dodgy handbrake. Simple enough. It's an accident waiting to happen.

Secondly, leave the car in gear. If it's pointing downhill then put it in reverse, uphill put it in first. If the gear holds then the car won't move.

Thirdly, steer the wheels so that they point to the kerb, that way the car rolls into the kerb and stops.

Three simple little rules. Not too difficult to remember. Still, they had car insurance, so the replacement vehicle and speedy claims process would have made up for the lifelong guilt, shame and hatred from society had the car actually crashed into a child.

The utter irresponsibility of this disgraceful family is then shown again when they go to a summer fete. The idiot parents have got no control over the jonah dog or their idiot children, so they barely have stopped when the kids open the door (CHILDLOCKS FOR GOD'S SAKE!) the dog runs out.

So what do they do? In the middle of a busy fete? With children and families running around having a carefree pleasant time?

They get back in the car and drive after the dog. Oblivious to the fact that just a year ago they almost caused the deaths of three young mothers after the handbrake incident, having learnt nothing from the potentially life destroying near miss, they speed into the crowd after the dog like the irresponsible halfwits that they are.

And the numbskull father isn't even looking where he's going! He's looking at his wife! KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE ROAD YOU UTTER MORON! Even if you forget about the countless families you could crash into, what about the fact that you've just driven into what seems to be a stock car race! Your children are in the back! Did you not see what happened to Ayrton Senna? Racing is a killer. And you're not insured for it. And yet still he turns to his wife with a bemused expression that says, eeh what fun.

So seeing he's in a near death situation he continues to drive, at clearly stupid speeds, and proceeds to win the race. His family are in the back! His children. Risking their lives. And what do the fete and race organisers do? Do they call the police and get him done for reckless driving, causing danger to the lives of others? Do they ban him from the fete for ruining the car race? Do they recognise him as the reckless fool who almost killed the mayor's wife and child when his car ran down a hill a year ago?

No, they cheer and give him the prize, even though he only did half a lap, and he didn't have the right type of car and he wasn't entered into the race in the first place.

He and his family are a disgrace to mankind. Put them in a rocket and send them into the Sun. Let them burn.

Monday night's viewing consisted of the following:

• GBM - Brilliant, now the public can choose who wins. Let's get a bit of interaction here. Now Mickey can choose who wins. It's all I've ever wanted, the empowerment to influence a cookery competition. All these weeks I've watched helpless as Fort, Leath and the other one choose the winners without my say so, but now the boot is on the other foot.
• Prison Break - Surprisingly there seemed to be a coherence to the plot that has been lacking of late. It appears that the writers may have a plan for the next few episodes, probably as it's coming to the end of the season. Oh will they Break out of the Prison? I for one cannot wait to discover the answer to this question.
• Heroes - It's really really good. Christopher Ecclestone is in it now, but not in this episode. And George Takei off of Star Trek was in last week and his car registration was NCC 1701. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But then I realised I was crying already. Crying over my empty life.

Relax James

Michael. I read with interest your thoughts on MGL. As you know I quite like to cook myself. Often on a Saturday morning I will get up and Mrs Davie will ask me to cook her some breakfast. I often do this with Saturday morning kitchen as my background noise. I like James Martin. He seems like a good bloke and in recent month he has had Tony Hadley, Britain's most underrated singer and some of the Bill cast on as guests. His food is relatively straight forward and he does that omlette challenge thing with the professional chefs. But James, in recent weeks I have noticed that you have taken to presenting the whole show with a suit jacket on. This is not natural. I do not get home at night and start cooking for Mrs Davie whilst still wearing my suit jacket. And Michael I wager neither do you. I wonder if it is a BBC rule and therefore James has no choice. It is disturbing me though and I wonder what is next. Little Matt Dawson wearing a tie for Question of Sport?

Great British Menu

What did I say about Great British Menu a few weeks ago? In my usual eloquent style I stated:

"I can't stand Jennie Bond, the chefs are smug and full of "personality" and the
judges are git pompous and they like strange stuff like eggs. But yet, for some
reason, it's perfect viewing."

Well, this evening, what is supposed to be a relaxing show, one that I can watch while eating my tea (I had burgers, mini rostis and baked beans tonight readers!), was not perfect viewing at all.

This week is the Northern England heat, where two chefs battle it out (imagine that battle it out is being said with emphasis, with pursed lips and squinting eyes) over who will be chosen to represent the North of England when they do some big dinner for a lot of French foodies.

Firstly I've been annoyed at the way these supposed northern chefs (both based in London) are both from Lancashire, and have chosen literally no food from north of Barrow-in-Furness or East of the Pennines. That's been really annoying - a region from Chester in the South West to Berwick in the North East, and all their food has been from Lancashire and Cheshire with the exception of a sheep from Ulverston. (By the way, my computer is really really slow today. I'm getting really furious.)

But what has really annoyed me is the steady drip drip drip of Jennie Bond's incessant commentary over everything that is going on. I loathe Jennie Bond. She looks like a cross between Princess Anne (the Princess Royal as some like to call her) and Katie from the Apprentice. She's got this attitude about her which says, "hey, you might have thought I was stuffy royal correspondent Jennie Bond, but in reality I'm a bit of a good time girl! I can have a laugh with the best of them. I'm witty, good for a joke, and I can add to any situation simply with my presence."

First of all she comes into the kitchen and puts a bit of personality into proceedings. She flirts with the chefs, asks them questions about their food, all with her awful Princess Katie face and her "hey, you might have thought I was stuffy royal correspondent Jennie Bond, but in reality I'm a bit of a good time girl! I can have a laugh with the best of them. I'm witty, good for a joke, and I can add to any situation simply with my presence" attitude.

And then there are the voice-overs. It's bad enough that her narration was written by the same person who wrote Lisa Riley's lines during her ill-fated stint as host of You've Been Framed. It adds nothing to the programme, it just serves to annoy. Why, after the two chefs have had a discussion about whether their food is British enough, do I need to hear Jennie Bond saying "Let's say the chefs have agreed to disagree."? Does that add anything? When there's been another argument her saying "Things are heating up in the kitchen" is completely redundant. Seriously, some people really do need to just shut their stupid faces up.

But the worst thing is the way that the writer of the voice overs keeps on putting French words in the narration. I've no problem with that. What I've got a problem with is Jennie Bond's stupid way of putting on some plummy semi-French accent to say a french word that has common usage in English. She said Creme de Frambois or something like that this episode and I shouted obscenities at the television. It's the first time I've ever sworn at the television while watching a cookery programme that doesn't have Antony Worrell-Thompson or Ainsley Harriott in it.

And she never says "superb". She says "ssyyyewperrb". If she's never on television again that's not good enough. I want a written apology from the BBC for inflicting her awfulness on my television.

It's the final of the Northern heat tomorrow, and then next week, it's some sort of final or semi-final or something. I don't want anyone to win. I hate them all now. I'll still watch it though.

As well as the Apprentice and the Apprentice You're Fired, last night I watched:

• The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Yesterday Jeremy Paxman was the guest. It was a bit strange that. He seemed a little nervous. I was disappointed.
• GBM (Jennie Bond was annoying, the two chefs cooked produce from Lancashire)
• Property Ladder (It was a revisited one. Rather than just call it a repeat, cut out a couple of scenes from an earlier show and add five minutes of new footage. Well done Channel Four for killing television just a little bit more.
• I caught a glimpse of some Ten Pin Bowling on Sky Sports. The top left corner of the screen was taken up by a bloke doing sign language. Sign language for ten pin bowling commentary. Have I missed something?

Davie, I'd bring round my Battlestar Galactica DVDs for when 24 and Lost finish, but our regular reader Cuddles has still got them. Cuddles, when you're finished with them, pass them on to Davie, there's a good lad!