V+ Box

I've just received a text message from Davie. He's unable to get to an internet cafe, and is very annoyed about it as he wanted to write a post setting out some things about my V+ box. I shall therefore help him out.

Things I like about my V+ box are as follows:

• I can record two things and watch a third at the same time. I can even pause live tv on the third programme while it's still recording! When I have my separate terrestrial HDD working, this means I can record three things and watch a fourth. This is very good. So a few weeks ago when there was a clash between Heroes, Prison Break, Charlie Brookers Screen Wipe and Nip Tuck, I was able to watch them all.


• It has that whole TV On Demand thing. Especially the Catch Up TV. This is very good. Last night I recorded Life On Mars, but the recording failed midway through. I just went through a couple of menus on my V+ box, and before too long I was able to watch a direct feed from Virgin. Brilliant.

Things I don't like about my V+ box are as follows:

• It doesn't show Sky One.


• It sometimes goes wrong. A few months ago it lost all the details of everything I'd recorded. The programmes were still there, but absolutely no information about them. I just had a list of fifty programmes all called "Recovered content". It happened late one evening - that night I couldn't sleep with worry, and I was furious for days afterwards (until I went through them all and did a list of what they were).


• (By the way, ladies. I'm still single.)


• It sometimes goes wrong. There was that time when it didn't record Daybreak last week. And then there was yesterday when Life On Mars went wrong in the middle of the programme.


• Between midnight and one o'clock, it goes all slow and temperamental. Channel changes take minutes to process. I'm fast forwarding through adverts on a recorded programme and the "play" button doesn't respond, so I'm suddenly hurtling through the rest of the programme at 32x speed and I'm seeing what happens really quickly before I can even look away and it's spoiling the programme for me. I think it might be because of it processing the programmes for the new day that's appeared on the listings guide. But why do it at midnight, when I'm still watching my sad sci-fi based serial shows? It makes me annoyed which means I can't sleep. Which means I feel bad the next day. Which makes me angry.


• It doesn't have a button which automatically mutes the television whenever that AA advert comes on when all the AA men come out and sing "You've Got A Friend", implying that the service they provide to AA members is out of friendship rather than the annual fee. Especially the bloke who starts and ends the song. Singing it like he really means it. Singing the last "friend" with a Carey-esque warble worthy of an X Factor wannabe. Either sing the tune or get lost! I hate people. Winter Spring Summer or Fall, All you have to do is call? What's Fall? Are we suddenly in America? And there's the bearded bloke with the snow. He's bad as well.

Ah yes, Mickey, you can always fall back on writing about how much adverts annoy you when the post seems to be going nowhere.

Let me answer now the following question: "What television did you watch last night, Mickey?"

• Wainwright's Walks (Julia Bradbury doing Scafell Pike. I did it on my second attempt. The first time I didn't get halfway. My lack of fitness and general allround punyness meant that I was in agony just climbing over a couple of stiles.)
• Life on Mars (the recording stopped in the middle of the programme, but it was okay as I watched the rest "On Demand").
• Kidnapped (US show about a kid being kidnapped. It's okay, but Channel 4 are showing double episodes, and it's a real pain to watch so much drama.)
• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (More4 appears to have the same sound issues as SciFi channel. Intensely annoying. I should have mentioned it in my list above. But it was going on too long anyway. Aren't blogs supposed to be a maximum of 200 words or something?)

Finally, GP, a close friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, has a tip for winner of this series of the Apprentice. Based purely on appearance of course, the predicted winner is this time coloured a vibrant red. Stay tuned to future instalments of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant to find out who out of the three of us will win the special prize of a tile showing a chimpanzee on the toilet eating a banana.*

* This is a lie. The tile belongs to me. I'm not giving it away no matter who wins.

I'm no fan of the egg

Isn't it great that Easter's almost here?

Isn't it, though?

Really, isn't it?

It's great, of course, because we have the annual laugh-a-thon which is the Cadbury Creme Egg advert.

This year, they've done something rather clever. Rather than make a new set of adverts, they've just used the adverts from last year. I found last year's adverts so funny that I would have gone straight round to Cadbury HQ and punched their Marketing Director in the face (seriously, right in the face) had they not allowed me a few more chances to enjoy the hilarity of the great British eccentric singing a song about how they love their Cadbury Creme Egg to the tune of a popped up My Way.

I remember a few years ago when they stopped the "How Do You Eat Yours?" style of advert (which involved, as I recall, someone doing a hugely accomplished Austin Powers impression while explaining how they enjoyed eating two creme eggs rather than the traditional one), I got in my car, drove to Bournville, and found the Marketing Director. I was about to punch him in the face (seriously, right in the face) when he distracted me by showing the new advert.

"Eeh, look at the woman, with a judge's wig on, eeh, she's not a judge after all, she's a cleaner and she's eating a creme egg in a specific way!" I squealed with delight. "And she and her friend are singing about it!"

"And look, a jolly lumberjack or something. Maybe he's chopping his creme egg in half with his axe, and perhaps giving half to his wife, I can't remember!" I yelped. "And he's singing about his enjoyment of the creme egg also. And it's all to the tune of My Way, except all popped up!!"

Oh yes, how happy I am when I watch that advert. I enjoy watching the many many different ways people eat creme eggs. Whether they're eating it by having the chocolate first, the fondant first or a mixture of the two, each way is so very different to the other.

Because after all, that is exactly what is unique about the creme egg. It is its defining characteristic, the ability to eat it in many many different ways. Why else would you buy a creme egg? For the chocolate? Don't be stupid. For the sweet fondant centre? You're a fool. Because it is the confectionary item that one can be most versatile with in the method of its consumption? Damn right!

Do you know what they should do? Do you? They should release the Cadbury Creme Egg song (the popped up version of My Way with the creme egg related lyric) as a single. In the same way that Dancin' In The Moonlight enjoyed success following Jamie Oliver's hungover advert, perhaps this amusing song celebrating the creme egg would be Top of the Pops. After all, it's such a great song that Cadbury thought that I would enjoy it being blared into my living room every commercial break, I can't see why they wouldn't think it will do well in the hit parade.

Last night, while I was watching the television, the following programmes were on:

• The Gadget Show (I'm trying to move. I'm not sure about my budget going forward. I'm not going to buy a gadget for a number of months. I don't enjoy the banter between the presenters. Their reviews are poor. I keep falling asleep during the programme. I managed to stop watching Castaway, so why do I persist with this rubbish?)
• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
• The Trap: What Happened To Our Dreams Of Freedom (From Sunday. Yes, that's right. A thought-provoking documentary. I don't just watch cricket, sad sci-fi, "worthy" comedy and reality television. I have hidden depths.)
• Heroes (Made slightly annoying as the sound kept cutting out for fractions of seconds throughout. Like my life isn't bad enough already.)
• Prison Break (It was good.)

Mickey and Davie's TV Rant regulars will notice that Davie hasn't posted for a few days. That's because he's away in Rome for the week with Mrs Davie. I'm sure that at this very minute he's making his way to an internet cafe to post some insightful comments about the state of Italian television. In the meantime, the light-green one is Davie's tip (based purely on appearance remember) for the winner of the Apprentice.

Spoilage

Davie. I've recorded that ONE Life thing about Alex (BB3) and Mel (BB1)'s dog on your recommendation but haven't watched it yet. Don't spoil it for me!!!

In recent times I've become a little obsessed with avoiding so-called spoilers on television shows. For some, it's impossible.

Doctor Who, for example, seems to be headline news. Everyone knew that the bloke who plays Nicky in Our Friends In The North was going to be replaced by the bloke who plays Barty Crouch Jr in that Harry Potter film, because it was reported as a proper news story. I've come to the unhappy conclusion that as far as Doctor Who is concerned, I will never feel the utter excitement and surprise as I felt as a ten year old when the bloke who does the voiceover in Little Britain was replaced by the bloke who plays Tristan Farnon in All Creatures Great and Small.

One of the many reasons I stopped watching EastEnders was that I knew the major plots weeks in advance. Nothing ever surprised. I knew that the bloke off of Spandau Ballet was going to die. I knew that the bloke off of Ross Kemp on Gangs was going to do whatever he did on that particular episode when he left. There was never any drama in it as it was all announced on the front of every magazine weeks beforehand.

A few years ago I stopped looking at US tv websites, as they'd always give something away (particularly bad for Lost and 24 in recent years), but more recently I've become more paranoid about being told plots by tv listings. I think the most angry I've ever been (in my life) is when I was innocently reading the Radio Times and in a very small aside about that lass who was in Fatal Attraction and Dangerous Liaisons it gave away the end of the then forthcoming series of the Shield (possibly the second best programme on television ever).

I was spitting at the page. Seriously. I was literally spitting. But it wasn't my Radio Times, so that was all right.

So, what point was I making? I long for a more innocent time, when the news was real news and not about television? I long for a time when I didn't read listings magazines? I wish I was a hermit whose only contact with the outside world was by watching television programmes? Really, this is dreadful. I'm very sorry.

What's worse is that I seem to remember now that they announced that Peter Davison, I mean the bloke who played Campion in Campion, was going to be the new Doctor Who before it happened on Blue Peter, so this whole thing is just rubbish. And I made it up about spitting.


Television last night? What was it that was watched by me? Here, my friend. Let me tell you:

• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
• Battlestar Galactica (Oh yes! I may not have Sky One, but my brother does. Magnificent stuff. A really seriously brilliant programme.)
• Castaway (It was the programme from the Sunday before last. I watched three minutes of it, then decided that I was being stupid. So I turned it off and deleted it from my V+ box. I say no to Castaway.)
• Grand Designs
• Daybreak (From last week. Except it hadn't recorded properly on my V+ box so I didn't actually watch this).
• Born Survivor: Bear Grylls (In which Bear Grylls gave me some useful tips for surviving in the event of me being lost in the Florida Everglades with nothing but a flint, a knife and a camera crew.)
• Entourage (This is from weeks ago. It's an HBO comedy that should be on something like More4, but it's shown on ITV2 and is sponsored by Britney Spears' perfume.)
• The Office: An American Workplace (Also from weeks ago.)

The Apprentice starts next week. Davie and I have decided who we think will win before it starts. My tip, based purely on appearance, I have coloured in blue.

Take the law into your hands

Michael. Come on now. The young lads who took your number plates are probably just having a laugh. They were probably bored because the youth centre was shut due to staff cut backs or something. They probably were going to return the plates but found you had moved the car. Incidentally Michael it is illegal to drive without your plates.

I thought you had moved from writing the world's favourite blog to writing TV series for ITV this week. I watched their latest drama offering, Mobile last night which was actually quite good. The basic premise seemed to be there was a bloke who was dying because he had a brain tumour from working as a telephone engineer. The tumour was caused by using a mobile excessively. He therefore decided to kill people using a mobile and spray painting the message that "mobiles are the instruments of the devil". It had lots of random violence with people who were too loud on their phone meeting a swift and decisive end. It was good and is perhaps a sign that Mickey's law could work in this country. I was convinced you had written it. Maybe with GP's help as he is no fan of the mobile. I will definitely tune in again. You should too Michael.

Last night I also watched a programme about Alex from Big Brother 3 in a custody battle with Melanie from Big Brother 1 over their dog. It was a brilliant programme and only served to confirm that Alex should be on national TV every day. I am thinking of writing to Simon Cowell to tell him that I found the replacement for Louis Walsh.

The British Sketch Show

Here is my thing on why I think the British Sketch Show is not very good anymore.

I submit to you that every new sketch show produced in the last three years has just been a mindless collection of catchphrases and characters repeated episode after episode. And what is more, I proclaim that these sketch shows are unfunny! Yes. I do.

Take Catherine Tate, for example. As well as the hilarious Lauren who asks the straight person in each sketch an amusing question over and over again, we have the hysterical bald fellow who exhibits indignation when the straight person in each sketch assumes that he's gay, we have the grandmother who swears (and may have a catchphrase, I don't know, I can't remember, I haven't watched the show enough, yes, I know I haven't thought this through very well, I'm very sorry), the woman who is looking for a husband with sidesplitting consequences each week, and there's probably someone who works in an office or something.

Then there's Little Britain. The format of the sketches are so formulaic they write themselves. Put a character in a situation, say the stock catchphrases, job done. Lou and Andy are a bit different in that they have two sketch formats. Lou and Andy go somewhere. While Lou isn't looking, Andy gets out of his wheelchair and does something active. Or Andy wants something slightly strange, then once he's got it decides he doesn't want it. (E.g. Andy decides that life crippled in a wheelchair is too much for him and he asks Lou to assist him with his suicide. Lou reluctantly agrees, firstly asking "Are you sure you want to do this? Remember you said that euthanasia was the start of a slippery slope that made a mockery of the sanctity of human life?" Andy responds "I know," or something. They go ahead with it. Just after the lethal injection has been administered, and there's no going back, Andy says "What are we doing tomorrow?" or something.)

And all new sketch shows follow the same format. Tittybangbang, Man Stroke Woman, there was one on Channel 4 which was like Man Stroke Woman but I can't remember the name, I think Charlie Brooker wrote a couple of sketches in it, just a minute I'll look it up... Spoons, that's what it was called, and yes, Charlie Brooker wrote some sketches for it. Start off promising, some original sketches, then next episode, exactly the same. Mitchell & Webb, while having proper sketches, ruined it all by repeating the one joke sketch, Numberwang, over and over again, and inflicting those awful dull snooker commentators on us. Whenever the snooker commentators appeared it gave me the same feeling of sickening disappointment as I used to get when Smith and Jones did their head-to-heads, or when Ronnie Corbett came on to give his monologue. I tried to laugh, I really did. But deep down I knew I was in for three or four minutes of slow and tedious unfunny comedy.

So, my point is this. Stop pandering to schoolchildren with this "familiar characters in amusing situations" nonsense. It's lazy. Write enough material for six half hour sketch shows rather than just repeat half an hour's worth of sketches six times. Be more like Fry and Laurie and Big Train. Oh, and stop doing Christmas Specials. I hate Christmas and everything to do with it. Especially the music. Especially "So Here It Is, Merry Christmas" by Slade. Especially the bit where Noddy Holder shouts "It's Christmas!"

And that is my thing on why I think the British Sketch Show is not very good anymore.

What television night:

• The Gadget Show (I don't watch it for the gadgets, it's the will they/won't they sexual chemistry between Jason Bradbury, Suzi Perry and John Bentley).
• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
• More cricket
• Heroes
• Prison Break

I shall take this opportunity to go all Richard Madeley on whoever stole the number plates from my car on Sunday night. As I type this, I'm furiously shaking my fist at the screen. Be warned. I shall shake my fist even more furiously when I get bogus speeding tickets.

How was it made ?

Mickey. I have indeed calmed down following "busgate". It was Sunday yesterday. A good day Sunday. My favourite programme 24 and another favourite (probably in top 10) Lost. Yesterday to spice things up a bit I decided to watch the re-run of the final of MGL. You have raved about this programme for weeks now. All in all Michael it was a bit of a disappointment. I wanted to know what they were cooking but also how do they cook it. It is no use just presenting me with here are the ingredients and then cut to Frankie and Benny eating it. I want to know how it was put together. Your mate, Jamie Oliver for instance shot to fame because he showed people how to make good simple, honest food. You saw him out and about buying the ingredients. Often he went out on his bike/scooter. I like bikes and scooters.Then he prepared them explaining to the mystery woman behind the camera what he was doing. I think she was either a bit retarded or had never been near a kitchen before ("Why are you cooking the chicken Jamie" "Because sweetheart, raw chicken will make you sick"). You get the idea. Then he has his mates round and they have a good time eating it. Great TV. I may just record ER and Prison Break and watch re-runs of the Naked Chef and UK Food +1.

Goodbye John and Gregg

Davie. Take a couple of days off and calm yourself down! A bus was late, that's all. It's not as if anyone's taken Battlestar Galactica, 24 and Lost away from you. Get things in context! All that happened was you spent an extra quarter of an hour waiting in a bus stop on a pleasantly mild mid-March evening. It's not as if HBOS have brought out a new advert involving four blokes singing how they give a little extra to the tune of Take That's Patience.

Perhaps Davie's anger really stems from the fact that "Trend Analyst" Steven won MGL. All the way he barely scraped his way to each next round. Each time he knocked out someone who seemed just as deserving, or more deserving than him. None more so than when he got through to the final by knocking out poor old David.

Still, John and Gregg seemed to like him. And "Cheese Shop Owner" Ben had self-destructed by making an orange tart with olives and fennel. And "Country Lawyer" Hannah had served up raw lamb. So I don't suppose they had a choice really.

I'm really going to miss MGL. I'll have to find something else to watch while I eat my tea. Maybe Kill It, Cook It Eat It (or KICIEI as I may start calling it).

I know you're not interested, but here it is anyway:

• Cricket World Cup (England vs New Zealand. England lost. It was an awful performance. How about, for a change, Kevin "KP" Pietersen actually finishing a job? And how about Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff having a word with himself and working out why on earth he's been unable to bat for the last eighteen months? It is the World Cup after all.)
• Comic Relief (Featuring the hilarious Catherine Tate. In one sketch things changed around slightly as Tony Blair said the funneee catchphrase instead of the hilarious Catherine Tate. Everytime anyone says that funneee catchphrase, I literally wet myself. Not from laughter though. I wet myself through utter despair. Comic Relief's a good cause though. Right Davie?)

Another Friday night spent alone watching the television, followed by a Saturday afternoon writing about it on the internet. I really am pathetic.

Well done Stagecoach

Today I am not going to write about TV. Today I am taking a break. It is not even my turn to contribute to Britains most loved blog. I simply want to say congratulations to Brian Souter, the current Chief Exec of Britain's beloved bus company Stagecoach. Well done Brian. You gave decided not to appoint an Operations Director to the main board. Well done. You don't need people like that with their crazy ideas about bus timetables, efficiencies and levels of service. They get in the way. They are red tape. How is a forward thinking group like yours supposed to make a profit when they are hamstrung by mindless idiots insisting on things like that. Much better to leave things to chance. If a bus turns up then great - the paying customer can get on and travel to a destination of their choice. If the bus does not turn up, hey not to worry the paying customer can wait in the cold until one of your employees can be arsed to turn up. It's your liberal thinking that will encourage people to ignore the public transport system and continue to use their cars. In 2050 when half of the UK is underwater you can turn round, pat yourself on the back and say to yourself "I did that".

Stupid Designs

Davie, what have you got against Limahl? Did Kajagoogoo's "Too Shy" prevent Spandau Ballet's classic Instinction from getting to number one? Of course, the problem with your C list Celebrity Island would be that your hero, Tony Hadley, would get himself on it. And then you'd have no choice but to watch the twenty-four hour live feed on ITV2.

Having watched Grand Designs last night, I am seeing a common theme. These people building their new homes are made out to be visionaries, courageous souls who will stop at nothing to see their dream fulfilled, noble and single-minded, self-sacrificing and heroic.

But they're not. They're selfish idiots, gambling their lives and their children's welfare over a whim, or some stupid drunken idea they've had.

A couple of weeks ago, we had the obsessed architect who almost destroyed his children's inheritance because he wanted to live in a castle. Last week, there was the bloke with the mullet who'd not even insured his house despite having a baby on the way, and then made things worse by calling his little girl Beaver. Beaver!! Seriously, she needs to be schooled at home, she won't survive a day at a comprehensive with a name like that.

Then this week we had Green Billy with his recycled houseboat, made out of scrap. At least the other two had money to burn. Green Billy had no money and two children! Didn't he feel some responsibility? Perhaps having children makes you more reckless, makes you take unnecessary and stupid stupid risks. Maybe it makes you want to trust in fate to just let everything land on your lap.

Surely any sane man would have been crippled with an overwhelming feeling of utter horror at the monstrosity that he was wasting all of his money on. He didn't even have anywhere to put it! How could he show his face on television? How can he get up in the morning? What is going on in his head? Where is his shame?? He has two children. Two children!

At the end of the show, Kevin McCloud did the right thing and brought in social services who took the children away from him. The last scene showed Green Billy wandering naked and confused around a scrapyard muttering to himself about finding a recycled wind turbine.

Television shows I watched last night:

• MGL x 2 (Aspiring Michelin Star chef, Ben looks to be out of the running now. Unless he pulls something pretty special off tonight, I'd say flamboyant chef, Steven or experimental chef, Hannah will win it.)
• Grand Designs
• Daybreak (The first episode. It's an American sci-fi type show where this bloke keeps experiencing the same day over and over again. You know, like that film.)

ITV - you need to call me

Michael. I will ignore your jibes about Roberts and Hunt joining 24. Even if they did I am confident that Jack or his mum (who would of course be played by Diane Sheridan) would have them killed off within a couple of episodes. However I think there is an idea in your mindless ranting. An idea that I am hereby copywriting and ITV would be well served to give me a call.

Poor old ITV - they are struggling. It is the home of one of the best programmes on TV - namely the Bill, but it has little else to offer me. They could however take the BBC Castaway idea but inhabit an island with celebs. Not Z list celebs like they did with Love Island. I am talking real C list people. Nesbitt, Robson, Quirke, Joseph, Colin Murray, Louis Walsh, Limahl and Betty Boo. They could all live on this island for the rest of their lives and from their point of view they would always be on TV. But the best part of the idea is that at all times I know where they are and how to avoid them. I know that if I avoid ITV at say 7pm for an hour I will never need to see any of them on my screens again. There is no chance of guest appearances on the Bill or a chat show. Michael Grade you have my number. Well you don't but a man with your resources could find it.

Mr Jimmy Nesbitt

Davie. Thank you for informing me of Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's upcoming appearance in Lost. I'm sure you'll be equally pleased to hear that Julia Roberts and Helen Hunt have just been signed up to play Jack Bauer's sisters in the current series of 24. There'll be chaotic laughs aplenty as Jim Carrey and Robin Williams will be playing their wisecracking husbands!

Davie knows that I'm no fan of Mr Jimmy Nesbitt. It's another one of my intensely rational dislikes. What bothers me about Mr Jimmy Nesbitt is that in every single picture you see of Mr Jimmy Nesbitt, Mr Jimmy Nesbitt is forcing Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's forehead at you while contorting Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's mouth into a smile so tight that it looks like someone has drawn it using a ten pence piece.

Here's a picture of Mr Jimmy Nesbitt. Here's another one. How about this one? I could continue, but I won't.

Every time I open the Radio Times, there Mr Jimmy Nesbitt is with Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's mouth looking so smug that Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's chin is practically coming out of the page and hitting me, in an article about Cold Feet, something about Murphy's Law, playing Dr Jekyll, Mr Jimmy Nesbitt this, Mr Jimmy Nesbitt that. Blah blah Mr Jimmy Nesbitt blah.

Then Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's doing those Yellow Pages adverts. There's one where Mr Jimmy Nesbitt makes out that Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's good at something but it turns out that Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's just full of himself (typical man, right girls? Brilliant stuff Yellow Pages!! Seriously brilliant brilliant stuff.) and Mr Jimmy Nesbitt has to rely on the excellent and diverse services on offer in Yellow Pages to get Mr Jimmy Nesbitt out of a tight situation that has ensued directly from Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's lack of ability. There's another one where Mr Jimmy Nesbitt gets something from Yellow Pages for Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's loser friend, but it turns out that the thing that Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's loser friend gets would be better used by Mr Jimmy Nesbitt, as Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's loser friend is not as much a loser as Mr Jimmy Nesbitt. All self deprecating, but all done with that same smugness which says "Hey ladies, Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's being self-deprecating, but in real life Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's quite a catch!"

I genuinely worry that when David Tennant decides to leave Doctor Who, they'll replace him with Mr Jimmy Nesbitt. At least they don't have the Doctor's face on opening credits anymore. That would be too much to take, Mr Jimmy Nesbitt's face - all chin, forehead, eyebrows and smugness hurtling down a space tunnel, especially if it did the awful wink that they had in later series. I'd never sleep again.

Not that I've actually seen anything with Mr Jimmy Nesbitt in of course (apart from the adverts). Well, I saw Millions, the Danny Boyle film, on an aeroplane once, and I thought Mr Jimmy Nesbitt was quite good in it. I'll shut up.

And now part eight in my popular series, What I, Mickey, watched on my television last night:.

What I, Mickey, watched on my television last night:

• The Gadget Show (This time I didn't fall asleep. I had a better night's sleep on Sunday night.)
• MGL (Sadly, Geordie David has been knocked out. I think I want Ben to win it now, or Hannah, I suppose. As long as Steven doesn't win.)
• Castaway the last 24 hours (Or something like that, I don't know the title. Why am I watching Castaway? It's fairly dull, the people are annoying and I don't think I like it. I could always pretend that it's Lost and that Alister is Hurley.)
• Harry Hill's TV Burp (From Saturday. It's bizarre that the funniest programme on television at the moment is being shown on ITV on an early Saturday evening.)
• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (I can't think of any comment for this one.)
• Heroes (No one I know watches it, so I can't talk about it to anyone without being intensely annoying and boring. Sadly that doesn't stop me.)
• Prison Break (I think the writers make it up on an episode by episode basis. There's no coherent storyline. It's good.)

Over four hours of telly last night, and all I can rant about is a kindhearted and well-loved actor whose face annoys me. Shame on me. Shame on me.

Eastenders loses a viewer

Michael. For once we are in complete agreement regarding something. Birds of a Feather was appalling. It has created careers for all three of its leading stars and that is unacceptable. I love Eastenders. However I live in fear of them casting one of Joseph, Robson or Quirke as a main character. I think they are all pretty much on their uppers now so if BBC1 offered them a guaranteed income I think they would accept. This would really cause me moral issue. I can imagine Robson being brought in as Pat's sister, or Quirke coming in as a female Alfie Moon character. They would probably become a mainstay behind the bar at the Vic therefore would be in more episodes than your average character. I may write to Tony Jordan and tell him it is a bad idea.

Watched my classic Sunday trio of WW, 24 and Lost last night. Is there any truth in the rumour Michael that Jimmy Nesbitt, the Irish funny man is going to appear in Lost as a main character ?

Two things I dislike

I've never been a fan of Birds of a Feather. The adventures of Sharon, Tracey and Dorien have never interested me. To be honest, I found them a little common. The programme doesn't anger me in the same way as an advert for car insurance say, but I'd rather eat an egg than watch it. Quirke, Robson and Joseph I have no time for. No time at all. To steal one of Davie's many catchphrases, I won't have them in the house.

I think my most hated song of all time is Toploader's sickeningly upbeat "Dancing In The Moonlight".

There are three reasons why I hate it:

Firstly, the band itself. Well, the singer. I don't know the man, I've never met him and almost certainly never will. He might be a nice bloke. But his curly hair, obnoxious organ playing and that awful mid-Atlantic singing voice of his conspire to make me want to kill small mammals whenever I see him.

Secondly, the tune. Not just the tune, but the instruments used. It's the nauseatingly cheery (that's another way of saying "sickeningly upbeat") way the song starts with that awful "Be-de-boo-boo-boooo, be-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de". The be-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de I can handle but the Be-de-boo-boo-boooo, kills me a little every time I hear it. It's like an unmistakable indication that the next three minutes are going to be spent listening to a song explaining to me, (me, by the way, who didn't ask for this explanation), explaining to me about how everybody is feeling warm and bright, because of some fine romantic sight of everybody dancing in the moonlight. Brilliant rhyming by the way. MoonLIGHT, warm and BRIGHT, fine romantic SIGHT, everybody dancing in the moonLIGHT. Seriously brilliant rhyming. They could only have made it better by explaining that the dancing within this moonlight was a new sensation that was sweeping the nation. Oh and they get it almost every NIGHT.

Good grief! I don't normally do this, but I've just looked up the lyrics. They're dreadful! Every line ends in a word sounding like "-ite". The rhyming words are as follows: Night, bright, delight, moonlight, sight, bite, tight, moonlight, moonlight, bright, sight, moonlight, fight, uptight, delight, moonlight, (organ solo), night, bright, delight, moonlight. (And I've just seen it's a fine and natural sight, not a fine romantic sight, and they get in on most every night, rather than getting it almost every night.) I hate this song so much.

The third reason is that Jamie Oliver advert. I think it's the one where he and his friends have had a bit of a heavy night and they've got to tidy a kitchen or make breakfast and maybe Jules is telling them off, I can't remember. It was a long time ago. I've looked up the lyrics, I'm not going to check on some weird advert archive website. Be-de-boo-booo-booooo! it goes, as Jamie and his friends, all effortlessly cool even in their hungover state make breakfast or tidy a kitchen or something. They probably end the advert all sitting around smugly reading the Sunday papers or something. None of them have their hangovers anymore and none of them show any sign of the utter dark despair of knowing they've got to go to work the next morning. Probably because they don't need to work because they're all rich from the advert that I hate so much I'm bleeding.

Yet it was only after spending over a minute watching Linda Robson singing Dancing In The Moonlight on yesterday's Comic Relief Does Fame Academy that I remembered that my television had an off button. I'd watched the preamble, showing Linda singing the song with the help of Carrie or David (I can't remember), I'd seen her trying to do this dreadful dance type thing with the help of Kevin. I'd seen her get a few words of encouragement from Claudia before she stepped into the Circle of Fear. And yet still I watched. A celebrity I don't like, singing my most hated song. Not once did it occur to me that this was something that I really didn't want to see. Only when I noticed I was crying in a silent fury did I realise that I was not watching for pleasure.

I vowed from that point on never to watch another reality/talent/celebrity/singing/dancing/variety show again. Apart from The Apprentice. And maybe Big Brother this year, just to see what the contestants are like. And Castaway. And I like I'm A Celebrity... And Fame Academy, because that Zoe Salmon's in it and she's really pretty.

What I watched on my television set last night:

• Masterchef Goes Large
• The Gadget Show (recorded from Monday. I don't know why I watch this. Much as I like gadgets, the show annoys me. And I fell asleep while watching it again).
• Comic Relief Does Fame Academy (I saw the results show as well.)
• Grand Designs (I couldn't work out what the couple's baby daughter was called. Was it Beeber? Is that a name?)
• South Park (from Friday. It made me laugh, but the jokes really don't translate well.)

I've got another episode of Kill It Cook It Eat It to watch on my V+ box. Last time it was a cow being killed, cooked and ate, this time it's a little lamb. Awwww.

John and Gregg - the new Ally and Matt ?

Mickey. Forgive my gentle prodding. I agree. It is time to put the whole Branson thing to bed. I am tired of hearing about it. You are tired of ranting about it. We are giving longevity to a matter that is frankly dead.

You do love your MGL. I watched it the other day and it was entertaining. I too like the Geordie guy. He is very passionate and I liked it when he beat the Scottish girl who clearly thought she was through. I am not sure who those judges are though? At first I thought it was Phil from Location Location Location (or triple L as I prefer to call it) and Nick Hancock. It became apparent that it was not them but they don't inspire me Mickey. I may try to be them but I cannot taste the food Mickey. And you know how I like to taste the butter.

I always like to pretend that I am on Ally's team when I watch Question of Sport. I love it when we beat Matt's team. I like Matt but he is not Ally. When Ally retires I may decide to switch to Matt's team. Especially if they bring someone like Robert Croft the former Glamorgan "spinner" in. In fact just thinking about it has got me in the weekend mood. Of course it is not on this week as Fame Academy is on. I will leave you with that thought my skinny friend.

John and Gregg

Davie. Do you want me to go on about the BSkyB/Virgin Media spat again? Would you like me to write about how empty my Sunday evenings now are, and how I spent this Sunday in a stupidly futile rage? Would you like more banal and not very well thought out arguments about why I am right and every other person on the planet is so totally wrong?? Would you like my initially calm and rational manner to quickly degenerate into a meaningless rant of capital letters, emboldened script and repeated exclamation points!!!???

You don't want that. I don't want that. Our thousands of faithful readers don't want that. Well, actually, I probably do want that, but seriously, I need to calm down a touch. Let me take it easy today by writing about Masterchef Goes Large.

MGL, as I've just decided I like to call it, is a massively calming influence on my life. I'm no cook myself. I used to do the odd stir fry, but I've been getting steadily lazier as my thirties pass me by. I can barely turn the microwave on these days.

There's something about watching other people cook that I really enjoy. I love to see the sweat literally dripping from their foreheads, and I love the utter relief on their faces when they see John and Gregg's happy reaction to their food. I'm a particular fan of the blokey from South Tyneside. He really wants to win it.

What he likes to do is take an old favourite that he remembers from childhood and resurrect it as a modern dish. He did it with a leek suet pudding in one round, and made a pan-haggety on Monday. My Mum used to do us a great meal - a bit of pasta with condensed chicken soup mixed with tuna and ready salted crisps. If he did that in the final, he'd win for sure.

I really like the start of MGL. I like to pretend to be John and Gregg, so I say with ingredients expert Gregg Wallace: "This competition just gets tougher!" And I join in with top chef and restaurateur John Torode (with the hand gestures) when he says: "Whoever wins, it's gonna -change- -their- -life-."

Yes ladies, I'm quite a catch and I'm still single.

What I watched on the television last night:

• MGL (as I like to call it now).
• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (from Friday - it was okay, y'know. Not a classic though.)
• Prison Break (In which escaped convict Fernando Sucre spent most of the episode with his foot trapped between two logs. Not the most inspired of plot devices.)
• Heroes (Oh how I love this programme. I'm four episodes in and following the loss of Battlestar Galactica I think it's my favourite! Wait, let me think about that... Yes. Following the loss of Sky One, Heroes is officially my favourite programme. (As already mentioned ladies, I am still single).)

I would normally have watched Nip/Tuck on Sky One. I didn't miss it.

I now intend to watch my recording of last night's Kill It, Cook It, Eat It. It's a show which claims to show the journey of food "from pasture to plate". Finally!

Sundays

Mickey. I am writing about 2 programmes that have been stolen from you by Branson. They are two of your favourite programmes so don' take this as an unprovoked attack. Sunday night might well be the best night on TV right now. I look forward to Sunday night which is strange when you consider in less than 12 hrs I will be sat at my desk trying to use my million dollar smile to make people's dreams come true. And let's be honest, who likes smiling on a Monday morning.

I tend to watch a More 4 repeat of the West Wing as my appetiser. Smart and thought provoking, Plus you may get to see Leo's daughter, Mallory. Not sure if she and Rob Lowe's character ever got it on, but you would be disappointed in Rob if he had not.

Main course is 24. This is probably my favourite programme ever. I can sit in my CTU t-shirt with a piece of shortbread and a peeled orange (M&S are selling some good oranges at the moment) and watch Jack's day go from bad to worse. I am not convinced by Wayne Palmer as a President, especially when I have just watched Martin Sheen in West Wing. But I still love it and Jack will surely get to the bottom of this plot, especially if he can recruit Little Lord Fauntelroy to be his assistant.

For dessert there is Lost. Best 3 characters - Hurley, Sawyer and Jin. Fact. It used to be Eko at number 3 but he is dead now. Therefore any episode which has the 3 musketeers is bound to please me.

Don't worry Mickey, Branson has promised to buy the repeats of Lost. See you in the summer.

More Virgin/Sky stuff

WHAT IN THE NAME OF JEAN-LUC PICARD IS VIRGIN MEDIA UP TO???

Not content with me losing Sky One, Sky News and Sky Sports News, they replace these channels with lighthearted jokes at Sky's expense.

I am a pretty angry customer. In fact, I can honestly say I have never been more angry about my television ever. Not even in the dark days of On Digital and my dodgy aerial connection where pixels and freezing screens were the norm. My favourite programmes have gone off my screen and Virgin are acting as though they've done me a favour!

They've changed the name of Sky News to (hold on people, you may hurt yourself) Sky Snooze! What they've done, in an amusing and mature way, is replace the word "News" with "Snooze". It's funny! Perhaps they hired the advertising company that spends all of its time trying to find pop songs with a two syllable title so that they can replace it with "Extra".

Anyway, the thigh slapping jocularity that ensued from such a jape more than made up for my utter mindless fury at not having my Sky One.

What was really funny though was what they've done to Sky Sports News. What they've done, right, is, right, they've changed the name, right, to Sky Sports Snooze! It's a work of genius. A seriously funny hoot of a gag! I'm shaking my head with glee, there are tears in my eyes and my nose is streaming. Not since the last episode of season three of Curb Your Enthusiasm have I laughed more. Eeh. I almost wet meself.

Virgin should at least realise that at least some of its customers will be extremely annoyed at losing Sky One. What does not help is them making utterly unfunny jibes at Sky. It makes them look immature, unbusinesslike and unwilling to reach any solution.

This smug attitude, in the face of my overwhelming and seriously inappropriate despair, is the egg flavoured icing on a cake made of celery and hair.

Ah well, never mind. I can always get to see the programmes by borrowing videos/video players etc, or I can wait for the DVDs. It's not the end of the world. That is the attitude I should be having. But I know that for me the next few nights will be difficult. What little sleep I do get will be haunted by dreams of the laughing faces of Murdoch and Branson taking everything I hold dear away from me, piece by precious piece.

What I watched last night:

• Dragon's Den (Brilliant as always. It seems there was a new rule this episode, whereby the contestants had to persuade the dragons to invest all the money they asked for, otherwise they wouldn't get a penny!)
• Grand Designs (Watched at Davie's with the Prince and Hasto. Not only did we have cake, but we all did Kevin McCloud impressions throughout the ninety minute programme. I bet you wish you were me!)
• 24 (I went round Davie's and watched it there. Mrs Davie was away on business, so he needed a bit of company. He's not used to the soul-destroying loneliness that I experience every day).
• Lost (My last ever viewing of Sky One using Virgin. Grieve not for me!)

I didn't watch Masterchef Goes Large - I recorded it though, so I'll watch it tonight.

My new iron works by the way. As I walked around the office today, the clean lines of my crisply ironed shirt gave me the air of confidence I hadn't experienced since my mother last did my ironing so many years ago.