What about What about Brian?

HAH A HAH AH AHA HAA. Look what me funnee did? I'm so very clever and amusing.

Davie has just experienced what happens all the time with my programmes. Cancellation without resolving the plot.

Farscape ended with the two heroes being shattered into thousands of pieces by an unknown alien. Twin Peaks ended with Agent Dale Cooper taken over by Killer Bob laughing into the mirror as Heather Graham did something or other in the bathroom (or something, I'm writing from memory here). The Tripods ended with Will and Beanpole (played by Ceri Seel as I remember) getting back to their camp only to find that the Tripods appeared to have killed everyone. All because some tv executive knows that I quite enjoy the programme.

All the programmes Dave has ever watched either go on forever (e.g. The Bill) or end naturally with all plot loose ends tied up (e.g. The West Wing, NYPD Blue).

But now Davie, the boot is on the other foot. Now you can feel the frustration that I feel of never knowing how David Boreanaz and his rag-tag band of followers got out of the big fighty situation they were in when Angel got cancelled. You will relive Brian's argument over and over again in your sleep just like I still wake up hearing Avon's laughter at the end of Blake's Seven.

(I once saw Blake out of Blake's Seven. I was going into the gents and he was coming out of the gents. It wasn't that much of a coincidence though as it was at a Blake's Seven convention.)

Anyway, my point is that it always happens to me and you don't catch me complaining. Apart from when I complained about it a few posts ago.

And another thing. What About Brian has been cancelled but because Channel Four are so far behind, you've still got another series to watch. Davie's fallen on his feet once again. Just like always.

Here are my thoughts on the reality programmes which were on television last night:

• Apprentice and Apprentice You're Fired - An absolute mockery. How S'rAlan could sack Naomi after Simon's utter disaster of an effort is beyond me. Still, Lohit's still in it, although I can't see him getting past the interviews. Kristina and Tre will make it past the interviews and Kristina will win. Whey, that's Mickey's tip for you.
• Oh, and another Mickey's tip for the producers of The Apprentice You're Fired - Stop putting that awful twisted nasty woman on my television. If there's anyone I hate more than Jennie Bond, it's Vanessa Feltz with her populist rants and "outrageous but a lot of sense when you think about it" opinions. I hate Feltz more than I hate Katie.
• Big Brother - What a great bunch of people. I hope the twins win. They look like a lot of fun! I wish I'd been in the crowd! And all female! What an intriguing twist!

I was actually going to write about the welcome return of Masterchef in its Summer Celebrity format but I got sidetracked by Davie's What About Brian thing, and when I'd thought of that Brilliant title for this blog entry I decided that CM must wait. Don't worry, Opinions-about-John-and-Gregg fans! I'll have some hilariously witty observations about them next time.

What about Brian

Michael. As summer approaches we are generally happy at the thought of test cricket and bbq's with art competitions at our good friend the Prince's house. However summer has a downside. The end of Lost, 24, Prison Break. Ok there is the Shield to look forward to. I think I read, but I may have dreamed that it begins on a Tuesday this year. Mistake on Five's part - they should put it on Sunday. But like you I am now searching for the next big thing. What am I going to watch through the summer that is going to grip me. I gave up Big Brother last year and have no intention of going back, unless there are a lot of pretty girls. I decided to give "What about Brian?" a go. Initially because the way the Guardian TV guide described it, it seemed to be an opportunity to compare Brian to you Michael. But it was mildly interesting, had some attractive lead women and the story about one of the couples having an open marriage was new. Brian's obsession with his best mate's other half was also handled quite well. But, just as I am getting in to it - Series 1 finishes. After 5 episodes. Just as everything is developing. And to make things worse there is no second series. So the cliffhanger which involved Brian's best mate overhearing Brian and his mrs arguing is now irrelevant as there will not be a second series. Why did the writers not pen one more episode to finish it off? Frankly I am angry.

The Eight Deaths of Television

Hey now Davie. I know Richard was your favourite. He was my favourite as well. Him being sacked from DD is an injustice and a travesty, but the death of television? Surely that's something that will happen this week when BB8 starts.

Yes, I've cunningly started this post by referencing Davie's last post then shoehorning in a reference to what I really want to write about. Big Brother.

Summer is about to start and all the good programmes on television have finished or will finish within weeks. The magnificent Battlestar Galactica finished a couple of weeks ago (great ending by the way). 24 and Lost will finish within the next week and a bit. I think Day Break might be about to end as well (Day Break is really good! It's about a cop forced to live the same day over and over again like in that film, and each episode he gets closer to find out who has framed him for murder. And he does a little narrative at the start which is reminiscent of Jack Bauer's "longest day of my life" narrative at the start of the first series of 24. I'm really enjoying it).

Oh and there are only three more Apprentices.

So the point I'm making is that apart from Doctor Who, Heroes and the Daily Show, that'll be it for Mickey's viewing in Summer.

It's not a new problem, it's just that this year I've decided that I'm not going to watch Big Brother (you see, it's all coming together).

Firstly because it's all been done before, they can't top BB3 with Alex and Jade before she was famous, and no amount of intrahouse conflict will be as good as the almost violent BB5.

Secondly because I hate all housemates once they've left the house and think that it can be used as some sort of springboard to a career in the media and a showbiz lifestyle. Look at Davie and me, we've sweated blood over our careers. It's only after months of hard work delivering opinions that we can now hob nob with the likes of the Rugby League correspondent from the York Evening Press. And yet the likes of Doris from Big Brother 4 thinks that a couple of weeks sleeping in a house with the dullest people in the country entitles her to my lifestyle? I think not, Doris. I think not.

Finally because of Davina McCall. Her awful gawping at the camera, her sly winks and knowing chuckles, her viciously offensive assumption that we're watching Big Brother because of her. She's not as bad as Jennie Bond, but she's close. She's very close.

I'll watch the first one, just to see who's in it. Y'know.

Friday's viewing

• GBM - The results show. The results were that for each course the public agreed totally with the judges, so having a public vote was a complete waste of time, money and effort, just like I implied in my last post. This proves that I am excellent. The starter and the fish course both contained a lot of egg so if they invite me to the Ambassador's Dinner in Paris I shall decline as I am no fan of the egg.
• The Aristocrats - An unusual film where a lot of comedians discuss an unamusing but offensive joke that is popular amongst comedians.
• Have I Got News For You - Alexander Armstrong was the host. I was at University with Alexander Armstrong. I never spoke to him. He was one of the cool kids and I was a mathematician from the North East. But now look at us.

Jones and Theo - shame on you

Regular readers of Britain's best loved blog will know that I am a big fan of Dragons Den. I also admire Aussie dragon, Richard because he treats people with respect and even if he is not going to invest does not see the need to try and demean them like good old Dunc or crack a prescripted wisecrack like Jones. He does not lead them down the garden path only to say he is not interested in investing like one trick pony Deborah. Or perhaps he does not talk about his fantastic retail experience every single minute like the Greek lad. So why, BBC and I'm looking at you in particular Evan Davis has Richard been dropped from the panel. Was it because he was being nice to people ? Was he taking too much interest in their product and asking intelligent questions as to the viability of the product ? Was he actually investing in these hapless dreamers ? Or was he just getting on certain dragon's nerves ? Television died last night ladies and gentlemen.

Another rant at an out of date advert

What is it with people in adverts? Do advert makers deliberately make them stupid?

We used to have the More Than family, who demonstrate the wisdom of having insurance by recklessly allowing their out of control dog to go around and nearly cause fatal accidents, to which the family just look at each other, sigh and say a crappy catchphrase.

There was the one where the dog (I believe him/her to be called Lucky) is left in a car parked on a slope whereupon he/she takes off the handbrake and almost causes the deaths of countless young mothers and their babies.

Firstly, don't leave a dog in a car with a dodgy handbrake. Simple enough. It's an accident waiting to happen.

Secondly, leave the car in gear. If it's pointing downhill then put it in reverse, uphill put it in first. If the gear holds then the car won't move.

Thirdly, steer the wheels so that they point to the kerb, that way the car rolls into the kerb and stops.

Three simple little rules. Not too difficult to remember. Still, they had car insurance, so the replacement vehicle and speedy claims process would have made up for the lifelong guilt, shame and hatred from society had the car actually crashed into a child.

The utter irresponsibility of this disgraceful family is then shown again when they go to a summer fete. The idiot parents have got no control over the jonah dog or their idiot children, so they barely have stopped when the kids open the door (CHILDLOCKS FOR GOD'S SAKE!) the dog runs out.

So what do they do? In the middle of a busy fete? With children and families running around having a carefree pleasant time?

They get back in the car and drive after the dog. Oblivious to the fact that just a year ago they almost caused the deaths of three young mothers after the handbrake incident, having learnt nothing from the potentially life destroying near miss, they speed into the crowd after the dog like the irresponsible halfwits that they are.

And the numbskull father isn't even looking where he's going! He's looking at his wife! KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE ROAD YOU UTTER MORON! Even if you forget about the countless families you could crash into, what about the fact that you've just driven into what seems to be a stock car race! Your children are in the back! Did you not see what happened to Ayrton Senna? Racing is a killer. And you're not insured for it. And yet still he turns to his wife with a bemused expression that says, eeh what fun.

So seeing he's in a near death situation he continues to drive, at clearly stupid speeds, and proceeds to win the race. His family are in the back! His children. Risking their lives. And what do the fete and race organisers do? Do they call the police and get him done for reckless driving, causing danger to the lives of others? Do they ban him from the fete for ruining the car race? Do they recognise him as the reckless fool who almost killed the mayor's wife and child when his car ran down a hill a year ago?

No, they cheer and give him the prize, even though he only did half a lap, and he didn't have the right type of car and he wasn't entered into the race in the first place.

He and his family are a disgrace to mankind. Put them in a rocket and send them into the Sun. Let them burn.

Monday night's viewing consisted of the following:

• GBM - Brilliant, now the public can choose who wins. Let's get a bit of interaction here. Now Mickey can choose who wins. It's all I've ever wanted, the empowerment to influence a cookery competition. All these weeks I've watched helpless as Fort, Leath and the other one choose the winners without my say so, but now the boot is on the other foot.
• Prison Break - Surprisingly there seemed to be a coherence to the plot that has been lacking of late. It appears that the writers may have a plan for the next few episodes, probably as it's coming to the end of the season. Oh will they Break out of the Prison? I for one cannot wait to discover the answer to this question.
• Heroes - It's really really good. Christopher Ecclestone is in it now, but not in this episode. And George Takei off of Star Trek was in last week and his car registration was NCC 1701. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But then I realised I was crying already. Crying over my empty life.

Relax James

Michael. I read with interest your thoughts on MGL. As you know I quite like to cook myself. Often on a Saturday morning I will get up and Mrs Davie will ask me to cook her some breakfast. I often do this with Saturday morning kitchen as my background noise. I like James Martin. He seems like a good bloke and in recent month he has had Tony Hadley, Britain's most underrated singer and some of the Bill cast on as guests. His food is relatively straight forward and he does that omlette challenge thing with the professional chefs. But James, in recent weeks I have noticed that you have taken to presenting the whole show with a suit jacket on. This is not natural. I do not get home at night and start cooking for Mrs Davie whilst still wearing my suit jacket. And Michael I wager neither do you. I wonder if it is a BBC rule and therefore James has no choice. It is disturbing me though and I wonder what is next. Little Matt Dawson wearing a tie for Question of Sport?

Great British Menu

What did I say about Great British Menu a few weeks ago? In my usual eloquent style I stated:

"I can't stand Jennie Bond, the chefs are smug and full of "personality" and the
judges are git pompous and they like strange stuff like eggs. But yet, for some
reason, it's perfect viewing."

Well, this evening, what is supposed to be a relaxing show, one that I can watch while eating my tea (I had burgers, mini rostis and baked beans tonight readers!), was not perfect viewing at all.

This week is the Northern England heat, where two chefs battle it out (imagine that battle it out is being said with emphasis, with pursed lips and squinting eyes) over who will be chosen to represent the North of England when they do some big dinner for a lot of French foodies.

Firstly I've been annoyed at the way these supposed northern chefs (both based in London) are both from Lancashire, and have chosen literally no food from north of Barrow-in-Furness or East of the Pennines. That's been really annoying - a region from Chester in the South West to Berwick in the North East, and all their food has been from Lancashire and Cheshire with the exception of a sheep from Ulverston. (By the way, my computer is really really slow today. I'm getting really furious.)

But what has really annoyed me is the steady drip drip drip of Jennie Bond's incessant commentary over everything that is going on. I loathe Jennie Bond. She looks like a cross between Princess Anne (the Princess Royal as some like to call her) and Katie from the Apprentice. She's got this attitude about her which says, "hey, you might have thought I was stuffy royal correspondent Jennie Bond, but in reality I'm a bit of a good time girl! I can have a laugh with the best of them. I'm witty, good for a joke, and I can add to any situation simply with my presence."

First of all she comes into the kitchen and puts a bit of personality into proceedings. She flirts with the chefs, asks them questions about their food, all with her awful Princess Katie face and her "hey, you might have thought I was stuffy royal correspondent Jennie Bond, but in reality I'm a bit of a good time girl! I can have a laugh with the best of them. I'm witty, good for a joke, and I can add to any situation simply with my presence" attitude.

And then there are the voice-overs. It's bad enough that her narration was written by the same person who wrote Lisa Riley's lines during her ill-fated stint as host of You've Been Framed. It adds nothing to the programme, it just serves to annoy. Why, after the two chefs have had a discussion about whether their food is British enough, do I need to hear Jennie Bond saying "Let's say the chefs have agreed to disagree."? Does that add anything? When there's been another argument her saying "Things are heating up in the kitchen" is completely redundant. Seriously, some people really do need to just shut their stupid faces up.

But the worst thing is the way that the writer of the voice overs keeps on putting French words in the narration. I've no problem with that. What I've got a problem with is Jennie Bond's stupid way of putting on some plummy semi-French accent to say a french word that has common usage in English. She said Creme de Frambois or something like that this episode and I shouted obscenities at the television. It's the first time I've ever sworn at the television while watching a cookery programme that doesn't have Antony Worrell-Thompson or Ainsley Harriott in it.

And she never says "superb". She says "ssyyyewperrb". If she's never on television again that's not good enough. I want a written apology from the BBC for inflicting her awfulness on my television.

It's the final of the Northern heat tomorrow, and then next week, it's some sort of final or semi-final or something. I don't want anyone to win. I hate them all now. I'll still watch it though.

As well as the Apprentice and the Apprentice You're Fired, last night I watched:

• The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Yesterday Jeremy Paxman was the guest. It was a bit strange that. He seemed a little nervous. I was disappointed.
• GBM (Jennie Bond was annoying, the two chefs cooked produce from Lancashire)
• Property Ladder (It was a revisited one. Rather than just call it a repeat, cut out a couple of scenes from an earlier show and add five minutes of new footage. Well done Channel Four for killing television just a little bit more.
• I caught a glimpse of some Ten Pin Bowling on Sky Sports. The top left corner of the screen was taken up by a bloke doing sign language. Sign language for ten pin bowling commentary. Have I missed something?

Davie, I'd bring round my Battlestar Galactica DVDs for when 24 and Lost finish, but our regular reader Cuddles has still got them. Cuddles, when you're finished with them, pass them on to Davie, there's a good lad!

What next Mickey

Mickey Mickey Mickey. I do not have the inclination to go into a debate re Futurama. It would require me to watch a half hour episode to pick more holes in it and I really cannot be bothered to do that. If I watched an episode then I would be breaking one of Davie's golden rules. My other golden rules, dear readers include only drinking Guiness in its country of origin and never ever allowing Julia Roberts in the house.

But, it is time to start facing facts. My dream Sunday night of 24 then Lost is soon to be no more for another 9 months. Only a few episodes remain so I am auditioning new shows to take their place. I know I have the Shield which will hopefully be back soon. At least I know that Channel 5 will not mess around with it like Channel 4 dd with NYPD Blue. But I need something else. I am tempted by the Unit as it has the President from 24 in it. Maybe Denis Haysbert has a golden touch when it comes to choosing series to star in ? But it is on Bravo. I am giving What about Brian a chance and whilst it is entertaining in a mindless Tuesday night way I am not sure it has what it takes to fire me up on a Sunday night. Mickey will no doubt encourage me to give Battle Star Galactica in the 25th Century Wars a go, bu as regular readers will know, DDDS-F (Davie don't do Sci-Fi).

Good News Everybody

So, after a busy couple of days I turned on my computer this evening, and, not wanting any trouble, had a quick look at Mickey and Davie's TV Rant only to see Futurama being labelled a "laboured copy" of the Simpsons by my blogging colleague Davie. And this despite him freely admitting that he's never watched a full half hour of it.

Shame on you, Davie. Shame on you. Futurama was easily the equal to the Simpsons, and what is more, it never had a dodgy first season where the animation was rubbish and everyone's voice was different. When they cancelled it, my heart broke. (It was around about the same time as they cancelled Farscape. 2003 was a bad year for science fiction shows beginning with F. They also cancelled Firefly at the same time, but I didn't watch that as the first couple of episodes were a little dull, and I had bad indigestion so couldn't concentrate. I'll buy the DVDs at some point.)

The thing about Futurama was that it was really really good. Please. Allow me to expand.

Futurama, right? It was funny, right? And all the characters and that in it, were really good and funny and that. And the stories and situations were really good and funny. And they had an episode where they had all the original Star Trek characters in, except there was a new one called Welshie. And some git funny things happened. And they have jokes based on computers and that. It's really funny.

And despite all this, despite the funniness, the characters and that, the stories and situations, despite all of it, they cancelled Futurama.

But following the success of Family Guy or something, they're bringing it back. This makes me extremely happy. It'll be on Sky One though.

On television last night were the following things that I watched:

• Apprentice and Apprentice You're Fired - (As usual. Wednesday night is Apprentice Night. (For those readers who are keeping a spreadsheet of where each week's Apprentice Night is being held, this time was the turn of Friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, GP, to cook us all a nice bit of gnocchi.) I think Katie's throwaway comment about Northerners may cause her problems in later life, the nasty bitch.)

And for all you readers who have been wondering how my trip to Grantham went, let's just say I drank a little too much the night before the conference. I sort of covered it up well, but I had to run out at one point. Bad Mickey. Very. Bad. Mickey.

And yet

Michael. I read with interest your rant against the great British sketch show and agree wholeheartedly. It is nothing but lazy TV. But, Mickey may I remind you and let the readers know that on Saturday night you cried like a girl when I switched a re-run of Futurama off. I have never sat and watched a full half hour of this programme. I see no point. I like the Simpsons. I do not watch it religiously but I like it. This Futurama seems a laboured copy. And that Mickey is also lazy TV.

Watched 24 and Lost last night as it was Sunday. Brilliant the both. It is almost like the writers of Lost have suddenly realised they have only 4 more episodes and have a lot to finish off so are trying to squeeze it all in. 24 was its usual brilliant self. It is Bank holiday today and Mrs Davie is watching re-runs of Pride and Prejudice. That Lizzie Bennett was quite nice. Hopefully Darcy will have got her into ye olde sack before Prison Break starts at 10pm.

The British Sketch Show Again

Can you please allow me this opportunity to write once again about sketch shows. In particular Ruddy Hell It's Harry and Paul. I was right. Three episodes in and it's as funny as a Little Britain Christmas Special (with special guest Catherine Tate).

What Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse (and maybe their writers if they don't do it all themselves, I don't know, I haven't checked) have done is literally write enough material for one single half hour of comedy, some of it unfunny.

They've then repeated the same material over and over again. Yes, yes, I've written about this sort of thing in an earlier entry. But where they've differed from Little Britain, or Catherine Tate, is that they haven't put the sketches in slightly different settings. They've just done the same sketches, in the same settings, with perhaps a bit of a different conversation.

So, we have the posh builders talking about Stephen Fry one week, and Alan Yentob another. In one sketch, Nelson Mandela tries to sell alcopops, and the next sketch he's selling absinthe in the same manner. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs get overexcited about computers in the same party every week. I got the joke the first time. If I want to enjoy it again, I can watch the programme again. I don't need it repeating. I'm not stupid.

This week's was particularly bad as there were about five (very small) sketches where Harry Enfield asks Paul Whitehouse for different Barbican branded products. These were about as amusing as the death of a much loved pet and the repetition was like reliving the awful body discovery over and over again.

Very soon, comedy sketch shows will consist of one sketch filmed in front of a green screen being repeated on an endless loop with minor changes to the background on every reset. The children will love it. But society will have broken down by then and we'll all be dying of special space diseases.

Didn't really watch much last night, I was out you see

• I did watch the Apprentice tonight though, and it was the best yet. Lohit was team leader and completely whipped Paul's sorry behind. I can't believe how much everyone has it against Adam. He's got a bit of a miserable demeanour about him, and he made a bit of a mess of the marketing, but if all he lost you was a maximum of £50, and you lost by £600, then you can't blame the poor lad. He did his best, bless him. So, I want Adam to win now. Or maybe Kristina as she really laid into Paul. I'm also very disturbed to find that I'm five years older than Katie. I'd have put the vicious harridan at least ten years older than me.

I'm off to Grantham tomorrow for a conference! I'm going to ask questions on technical things that are work related! Wish me luck readers!

Those Aussies

Mickey. Thank god that World Cup is finished. It has almost killed my interest in the game. And readers, just like Mickey I am a big fan. I love leather on willow. I was out on Saturday with Mrs Davie but she did not want dessert so I got home in time to see the farcical ending. Shame on the umpires and well done the Aussies. Talking of the Aussies I am disturbed to read that the BBC may lose Neighbours. Why would they do that? Why ? Don't get me wrong - although I can still name the actors name of any character who lived in Ramsey Street between its inception and about 2002, I rarely see it these days. It's not because I do not like it it is just I have a job now and that involves making people's dreams come true. Unfortunately that cannot just happen between the hours of 9 and 5. Occasionally I will read ahead in the News of the World magazine and if Paul Robinson (Stefan Dennis) is doing something really bad then I may record it and watch it, but it no longer forms the core of my day like in the halycon days of 1990-1992. But I like to know it is there on BBC. I don't think I would feel as safe knowing Five or ITV have it. They ruin things you see.