EastEnders? Mickey still no like.

I don't know what it is about Runaway. I'm watching it but it doesn't really interest me. It's not that I'm insensitive. I think perhaps the problem is that I care too much. Perhaps I've given too much compassion to the world, and so now I have nothing left for Wahlberg and his family as they try to avoid detection by the FBI. Or maybe it's because the premise is a bit too much like the second series of Prison Break and I can't go through that interminable hell again (Sucre trapped under a branch for goodness sake!).

I'm going to do numbering with subheadings. It's easier.

Reason 6
When it was on twice a week, a plot building up over four weeks only took eight episodes of misunderstandings, stalled resolutions and genuine development before the denouement. Now the same plot lasting four weeks needs sixteen episodes. This means the writers have got to drag it out so that it loses any impact. You get the same amount of genuine development (because there's only so much plot) and the rest of the time is filled with these awful scenes where things look as though they're about to happen but in the end don't (maybe because Pat steps in with a cheery comment at just the wrong moment). The producers introduce more characters supposedly to fill out the show with more plots, but in reality the show has become all filler with the odd big event every couple of months.

Reason 7
Talking of those awful scenes where plot development is delayed for at least one episode, the worst is one they use all the time. It's the one where plot progression requires one character to say something to another character, usually something that they'll find difficult to say, something that they've been putting off. So, for example, I don't know, Little Mo needs to tell Billy that there are complications with her pregnancy. Usually this is pre-empted by Little Mo listening in on a conversation between Dot and erm Doctor Trueman where Dot is telling him that she always finds that telling someone something is better than keeping it in.

Little Mo then goes up to Billy, and grasping the nettle says "Billy, I need to tell you something. It's really important."
And then Billy says "Oh yes, I need to tell you something as well."
"Oh what is it you want to say Billy?"
"No, Little Mo, you first."
"No Billy, you first."
"Okay then. I'm really excited about the baby. I've bought this toy and everything. Oh, it's going to be great. And it's so good that there are no complications with the pregnancy or anything. And it is for that reason that I love you Little Mo."
"Oh that's great Billy."
"It is, isn't it. I'd probably kill myself if there were pregnancy complications! Now, Little Mo. What was it you wanted to say to me?"
"Oh, it' s not important. It can wait."
And then they hug, Billy looks happy and relaxed, but zoom in to Little Mo's face. She's looking upset and worried!! DRAMA!!! DUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUM! CLOSING CREDITS with Billy and Little Mo on the first screen!!!!!

Every other plot has this predictable device stuck in to string the story along for another couple of days. Do the writers think that we're all watching it going, OOH. This is exciting. She almost told him, but then didn't! Have they not learned anything from 24?? Do the terrorists ever say at the end of an episode, "We said we were going to blow the bomb up now but we were just testing you. We won't blow the bomb up for another sixty minutes"? (The answer for those who don't watch 24 is "No Mickey. They appreciate that to maintain drama they need to progress the plot so therefore they don't do that.")

Reason 8
And the fact that every rubbish magazine has the plots of soaps plastered on the covers doesn't help. There was a time when the only plot given away was a quote from the episode. "Poor old Reg" it may or may not have said for the first episode. And now we know exactly what will happen because there is a picture special of the crash into the canal and the bit where Den gets hit and Phil's mad girlfriend destroying Ben's toys. Let us find out for ourselves! Watching a new episode of EastEnders is like watching it for a second time within a week.

Reason 9
Wait, let me think. I know this one. Yes! Characters changing so that they become the same as the actor who plays them. I can only think of two examples. Billy Mitchell, who went from evil cowardly child abuser to tragicomic idiot. And Barry from EastEnders, who went from dodgy dealer with underworld connections who found a contract killer so that Cindy Beale could get Ian killed, to tragicomic idiot.

Reason 10
The episode where Dot did euthanasia on Ethel Skinner was brilliant, and whatever they do after that will always be complete crap in comparison.

And they are my top ten reasons for why I don't watch EastEnders anymore.

The television of note that I watched last night:

• Tycoon - It's as bad as they say. It's only like Dragon's Den meets the Apprentice if, when they met, both Dragon's Den and the Apprentice were dead and had been dead for three years. And Peter Jones keeps on moaning about how great and philanthropic he is putting his money on the line here. He's put £180k out of his £200million fortune into it. That's the equivalent of a few quid for the rest of us. And it's done by his production company, so he'd get any income from the programme anyway. And it was probably all his idea to give away the money. And that's why it's been axed from primetime. It's a vanity project. First he drops Richard Farley from Dragon's Den and now he inflicts Tycoon on me. Still, at least he got rid of that freaky kid ("I'm shutting your operation down!" he said. There should have been a follow up programme on ITV2 with Mark Pougatch, "Tycoon: Your operation has been shut down").
• Vanished - It's five's US import about an American senator's wife who vanishes and the people who've done it are always one step ahead of the FBI. It's very much like Channel Four's US import Kidnapped, and just as dull. You can really tell that the television companies are scraping the barrel at the moment. Hurry up and get showing the Shield.
• Rome - I don't really have much to say about this. It's another one where it's lacking something. I don't really care about it. I don't really look forward to watching it. It'm suffering television compassion fatigue.

This was a very long blog entry. In hindsight I should have split my reasons into three, but I hadn't realised that Reason 7 was going to take so long to articulate. I apologise for the inconvenience.

UK Gold - pure gold

Regular readers will know that I am a big fan of the Bill. I love the Bill. They very rarely make mistakes - Mickey referred correctly in my opinion to the Eastenders double headers - too many of them - just because you won an award for doing the first one does not mean you will win one every time John Yorke. No the Bill sticks to what it does best. Apart from the Romania episode. Even though that had my favourite CID character, DS Hunter in it, it was poor - mainly because they put bad background music in to signify the end of a scene. Anyway, I digress. I love the Bill so much I have started recording UK Gold episodes. At first I feared I would remember the plot and it would be boring. Wrong Davie. Wrong. Even though I have a mind like a steel trap I cannot remember what happened in the majority of the episodes and therefore I am getting 5 UK Gold episodes and 2 ITV episodes of one of my favourite programmes a week.

I watched Runaway episode 2 last night. I enjoyed it. Donnie Wahlberg is a good actor and I am starting to be bothered about what happens to the family. I know Mickey is not. Maybe it is because I am more sensitive eh readers ? (Especially the female readers ??)

Mickey no like EastEnders

As Davie says, I used to watch EastEnders. In fact I used to be a very big fan. From the moment when Pete Beale, Den Watts, Ali Osman and Andy the Scotsman* bashed open the door to poor old dead Reg's flat, to Alfie Moon's courtship of Kat Slater, I watched every episode. (Apart from the odd one obviously. I'm not an obsessive. And I didn't watch it when I was at University. I was too busy partying with my fellow mathematicians.)

And now I hate EastEnders. For years I've been receiving emails from faithful TV Rant readers begging me for a reason for my change of heart over the popular London based soap opera. For years I have remained silent. Until now.

So, I now give you, in two handy chunks, my top ten reasons why I no longer watch EastEnders (I'd do it in reverse order, but I can't work out how).

1. Everytime a popular character establishes him (or her) self on the show, they are poached by ITV for a million pound exclusive contract. The actor (or actress) thinks that they've done well in Eastenders, so they're bound to do well playing an ill thought out cop in an ITV Wednesday night drama-by-numbers. And if you've got Hermione Norris playing the wife (or Steven Tompkinson playing the husband), then what can go wrong?? They end up singlehandedly destroying an entire genre. Their careers have stalled, they're stuck in a five year exclusive deal (earning them £20 million per annum) and EastEnders has lost a good character.
2. Everyone works in and around the Square. If a new character joins the soap who works somewhere else, give it a couple of months and they'll be working on the market, at the Vic, or (if they're intelligent) at Ian Beale's latest business venture. A new businessman will purchase either the car lot or the nightclub. (Is it still called Angie's Den? That name could have been a reason on its own.)
3. The writers have no perception of how people speak. I remember one episode a few years ago when Phil Mitchell was talking to someone about his alcoholism or something. Maybe he was talking to Sharon, or Mel, or Janet Dibley, I don't know. But he started talking about how it felt, he spoke for five minutes solid describing his life in a metaphor about a train journey or something. There were no awkward pauses while he was trying to think of what he was saying. There were no "erm"s. His audience of one was captivated. It was clearly the writer thinking they were doing this great job at writing a heartfelt and tragic speech. But this was Phil Mitchell talking off the cuff. This man wouldn't have got a single CSE at school and yet he's waxing about how you turn around and realise that the train you thought you were on was going in the opposite direction and the train you're actually on is rushing headlong into a tunnel that has no end. And Mel or Sharon or Janet Dibley is listening to this with a straight face.
4. The illfated EastEnders Christmas Singalong Special. For the rest of my life I have to live with the memory of watching Shane Ritchie and Jill Halfpenny singing Fairytale of New York in the Caff. It was like a car crash. I couldn't turn away.
5. The head to head episodes. I remember there was an episode about twenty years ago or something where Dot and Ethel were the only characters and they just chatted about the olden days. It was fairly irrelevant to the plot, but it was well done, people liked it. As a one off, I liked it. Clearly if all EastEnders was just Dot and Ethel chatting about the olden days it wouldn't be very good, but it was an unusual episode. It worked well. So now every couple of weeks they have these double headers. Jim Branning and Sonia have a heart to heart about how Jim should have been a better Grandfather to her and Robbie. Huw and Lennie reminisce about the time they made prank phone calls to Ian Beale. Big Ron and Winston argue about who fancies Angie the most. Too much. And the dialogue is awful again. All the actors think that this is their big chance so they'd better put in a powerful performance (Natalie Cassidy). Let's really act, they think. So they force it out, and everyone watching goes ooh look at Sonia she can really act. Big Ron's tears are so heartrending. I know just how you feel, Huw and Lennie.

I shall continue this later. Don't worry, Barry fans! I'll be making reference to Shaun Williamson in the next five reasons.

The television of note that I watched yesterday:

• Doctor Who. Excellent. Really excellent. But not without criticism. Point one, John Simm played the Master a little too wacky for my tastes. You wouldn't get Delgado or Ainley gawping like that (don't know about Pratt or Beevers). Point two, John Simm should have had an evil goatee. Despite these minor issues, he was far better than Eric Roberts.
• The Wire. I had to watch some of it with subtitles as I wasn't sure what the characters were saying. But it's very good. The EastEnders writers should watch the Wire to find out how people talk to each other. You don't get McNulty using metaphors about mistakenly getting on the wrong train. He does swear a lot though. And it's the worst kind of swearing, mind, so probably not suitable for your children. There's Mickey's tip for the day for you.

* I may have got this entirely wrong. I'm so very sorry.

Never sing on TV

Readers will be getting confused. Firstly a non-rant from Mickey. Now I am about to shock our beloved readers to the core. Last night's episode of Eastenders was appalling. I am a big fan of the London based soap opera. Even in the dark days of 2003-2006 when Mickey, GP (good friend of Mickey and Davie) and Cuddles (a new character for you to wonder about) deserted the show, I stayed loyal. And I have been rewarded by some good episodes. There are good characters residing in e20 right now. Max, Tanya, Stacey, Sean, Shirley, Garry and Patrick to name a few. Even little Darren Miller is turning into a star. But last night's episodes was just poor writing. Dawn Swann (very attractive and not a bad actress) gave birth you see. That in itself is fine. But the scene where she asked Carly Wicks to sing her a song to get through the pain of childbirth nearly made me walk away from TV forever. Of course being a good East end girl, Carly chose "consider yourself one of the family". I am not sure that is the name of the song but you know the one I mean. Not only did she sing it, she did a little Dick van dyke style soft shoe shuffle when singing it. JESUS. They have clearly had this moment planned for years. It was the type of thing you would have imagined Alfie Moon doing and viewers lapping it up. But of course Richie left to do, well not really sure what he does these days, but the idea was there and was going to be put on our screens NO MATTER WHAT. As a wise man once said. What the mind can conceive, the body can achieve.

Doctor Who and the West Indians

The first few episodes of Doctor Who this series were okay. Hospitals on the moon. Shakespeare and witches. Father Dougal wearing a cat outfit. Fair enough. Nothing startling. Business as usual if you like.

Then there were the Daleks in New York - with a side plot of an annoying stereotypical showgirl and her pigfaced boyfriend, and the awful humanisation of Dalek Sec which completely missed the point of why Daleks are good. The one with Mark Gatiss turning into a funny spider thing was okay I suppose. After that there was the Cindy Beale in space episode, in which the Doctor got taken over because a star looked at him funny. Rubbish.

But then we've had the last four episodes. Firstly we've got what sounds like a dreadful premise of the Doctor changing into a human, falling in love (with Cheryl from the Royle Family) and getting threatened by scarecrows. These were the best two episodes of Doctor Who since the Peter Davison years (if not the Tom Baker years!). Then there was the one with the funny statues that had funny quantum observation things going on, with the pretty one from Bleak House. It was all internally consistent time paradoxes and that. I really love that sort of thing. Then this Saturday we had what looked to be a pretty run of the mill episode - having avoided spoilers I just thought it was a vehicle for John Barrowman to come back in time for the last two episodes, but it turns out to be the return of clearly the best Doctor Who baddie of all time.

So, I've got nothing bad to say about it. No. Well done, I say. I've doubted Russell T. Davies recently, especially after Torchwood (which was like a series of bad Doctor Who episodes with swearing, and "adult themes" tackled in a really adolescent way. It had better get better this coming series otherwise I may watch it with not much enthusiasm). But these past few episodes have really delivered. In spades, as they say, although I'm not sure what that means.

Seems a bit weak this. And I haven't really watched much telly to talk about in my bulletpointed guide below. Next time I'll think of an advert from the last couple of years that really annoyed me and have a go at that, eh?

My bulletpointed guide to the telly I've watched:

• Heroes - Lordy. I like Heroes. I think there are about three or four episodes to go. But I'm moving in a fortnight, and I'll be without the SciFi channel for a bit. After nineteen episodes I'm going to miss the end. Perhaps Davie will record it for me...?
• I saw a little bit of a BBC Three new comedy sketch show entitled Touch Me, I'm Karen Taylor. After literally two sketches, I knew exactly what the punchline was going to be in every other sketch. This was because there were only two different sketches being shown, the rest were just those two sketches repeated in slighly different situations. And they weren't funny. Honestly. I really did know what was going to happen. I was disgusted.
• Oh, I saw the cricket as well. I went to the test at the Riverside on Friday, but it was rained off. Had really good seats and everything. Very disappointing. Too disappointing even to get angry about. I did get to see the West Indies cricket team and popular bent fingered umpire Billy Bowden though.

Wendy and The Wire

Regular readers will know that I have little truck with the news. Don't get me wrong - I am interested in what happens to the world and who is Prime Minister etc. I am after all a highly intelligent man. I just don't watch the news. I see no point in wasting half an hour of my day when I can read the Internet much quicker than Huw Lewis can get through his script. I do however retain a soft spot for Look North. When you watch Look North it is like watching an old friend. It is comfortable. So readers, imagine my excitement when on Thursday night I met Look North's very own Wendy Gibson. She was hosting an awards night for people who add up and do other complicated sums. People like our good friend Mickey or Mrs Davie. She was very pleased to get the chance to talk to a non-sums person like me. We got chatting but it soon became apparent she was not going to get me a part on the Bill so as soon as I had finished my champagne I left her to it. Still it was exciting to meet a TV star.

Mickey lent me the first 3 episodes of the Wire this weekend. I have watched the first episode. I like it. No dramatic ending like in 24 or the Shield, but a satisfying start. Given the choice of that or the latest drivel that Cowell is serving up on ITV, there is only one winner. I will keep readers updated as to the progress of this series. I do have high hopes but Wendy let me down so maybe the Wire will to.

Celebrity Masterchef Returns To A Normal Size

"Celebrity Masterchef is back," she announces dramatically, as the camera pans to show Greg grinning and John looking a little serious.

John and Greg then explain to each other about how the celebrities will have to cook well if they want to win the competition. This is interspersed with footage of said celebrities explaining how they would like to win the competition.

And as the title comes up on screen saying "Celebrity Masterchef", she announces (dramatically) "It's Celebrity Masterchef!"

During the next half hour she then explains (dramatically) who the celebrities are.

("Sue Cook is the well loved television presenter." Well loved? Sue Cook? She's not disliked, I grant you, but would you put her in the same league as Norman Wisdom?)

She goes on to explain what the celebrities are about to do. She then explains (dramatically) what the celebrities are doing. She also reminds us (dramatically) what the celebrities have done. All very dramatic, all building up the tension, all speculating on what will happen next.

"Spider off of Coronation Street impressed with his tuna and cheese melt in the invention test, and he excelled in the professional kitchen. But will he be able to keep up this great form in the Final Test?

"Her out of Cash In The Attic had mixed reviews for her spaghetti hoops, and she struggled with the pressure of the professional kitchen. But will she be able to I don't know do better in the Final Test?" Etc.

It's easy to just ignore her rubbish narration, but if you actually take time to listen to what she is saying, really concentrate, you realise that she's just talking for the sake of talking. She adds nothing. There. Is. No. Need. For. Her. To. Be. There.

She's always been on it, it's just that I hadn't really noticed how annoying it was until it was pointed out to me. By my mother. It really riles Mickey's Ma. And now it really riles Mickey.

And how come all the programmes I like get cancelled and that's it, while the absolute rubbish which was Jericho has a few fanboys sending peanuts to some CBS executives and suddenly they're all, "ooh let us make you another seven episodes fanboys!"? And now I hear that the best television series ever, Battlestar Galactica, has only one series left. I just hope they do a reimagining of Galactica 1980 as a follow up series.

And SrAlan didn't fire that awful fame seeking want-to-be (as I like to call them), she pulled out herself just so she can get a story in the Daily Mail. Let's all agree from now on, if she's ever on television again (and she will be) we all just turn over.

Oh, and well done Sky for taking Prison Break from Channel five. Once again you take anything half decent away from free to air television and force people to pay for your damn dish. "This edge-of-the-seat drama is the perfect addition to our must-see slate of US programming." says David Smyth, head of acquisitions at Sky One. Does your mother know what you do for a living, Smyth? Can you look your children in the eye, Smyth? Can you?? Smyth??

Here's my television viewing from the night before:

• The Apprentice and The Apprentice You're Fired - So farewell Lohit. You were my tip (based purely on appearances, remember) for winning this year's series. Though I knew that you would never win once you opened your mouth, it was always good to see you progress further than Davie's and friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, GP's tips. This means that I win the tile with a picture of a chimpanzee sitting on the toilet and holding a banana, which was mine in the first place and which I wouldn't have given away had I lost.

Million dollar smile

Michael. That is right. I flashed my million dollar smile at the Channel 4 execs and hey presto they buy another series of What about Brian. Ask me to do the same to the execs at Sky one and you may get another series of Battlestar Far Trek or whatever it is called.

It is Sunday evening and I am very excited about the finale of 24. Through reading some website which I don't normally do, I have discovered that there potentially could be a face from Jack's past returning tonight. They do generally end 24 very well. Jack crying, Jack having to go off into a life being called Frank, and then the Chinese bloke getting Jack and within 3 minutes getting from the city airport to the docks, boarding a cargo ship bound for China, beating him up and getting a good 20 miles out to sea. I cannot wait to see what they do tonight. I think, and viewers of Britain's most loved blog will know my predictions recently have been poor (the Dr to win the Apprentice - what was I thinking ?), it will be Tony Almeida.

Did not watch much TV last night. It was Saturday night. However Mickey and Davie sat up with a whiskey and saw Justin Lee Collins, or JLC as Mickey calls him try and re-unite the Dallas cast. Did not really care but it was disturbing to see how wrinkly actress Susan Howard's neck looked. She played Donna Krebs for those who are interested. I imagine readers are excited and now believe Mickey and Davie live in the same house like Eric and Ernie. We do not and I can report Mickey got a taxi home at about 12.30am.