Wednesday 28 February 2007

Kevin Mcloud and some cake

Mickey. Stop trying to lure me into Heroes. I have read a bit about it on Digital Spy and just cannot get excited. It strikes me that we are returning to TV from the 70's if we start to encourage programmes about super heroes with special skills and powers. What next - a remake of the BBC1 hit comedy, "No place like home" with Martin Clunes playing Arthur Crabtree (although that would be good irony) and Amanda Holden as his long suffering wife, Beryl ?? You can keep your sci-fi Mick and give me an update on Saturday night.

I watched Grand Designs last night with the Prince and Hasto. Hasto brought a cake which I felt was the perfect comfort food as what unfolded was a tale of woe. Possibly the most quietly spoken man ever to appear on the show had a dream. The dream was to convert a ruined castle into a home. Except he was and here is the twist, completely out of his depth and almost ran out of money. I am worried he sold his youngest child to fund the roof terrace, which although it had a lovely view, would seem harsh. Anyway I hope he got a good price for her. Going to watch the news now. I hardly watch the news these days. I might make Wednesday, "News and Business" day.

Tuesday 27 February 2007

Heroes

Davie. Firstly, my hatred of big band is not irrational. Look at the reality here. If big band was so good, everyone would be doing it. Instead you've got that strange little lad from X Factor who looks like Gilbert Ratchet and the eighties popstar releasing a vanity project. Oh, and Westlife and the fool Williams. But apart from that no-one. When I see Iron Maiden doing a big band album you'll be able to argue your case, ("Bobby Darin was the main influence on our Number of the Beast album, and we just wanted to pay tribute to him") but until then, I shall not be swayed!

Secondly, what is this? Do I need permission from your wife before I can criticise someone? I just hope she's no fan of Eamonn Holmes because he's really going to get it in a couple of weeks.

Just finished episode three of Heroes and it's looking good. I've fallen for the hype and I'm really enjoying it. The story is a bit corny and currently it's a bit disjointed with about seven separate stories running, but each story is pretty gripping and I'll keep watching it (providing Virgin don't get in some dispute with the Sci Fi Channel of course). If I had a some sort of recommendation system sorted, e.g. a "Mickey seal of approval" or a "Mickey thumbs up", then it would get high marks. But I don't have anything like that. Why would I? I've got terrible taste in television. I watched every episode of Enterprise for pity's sake! Why should I inflict what I like on anyone else?

From Heroes on to Jericho, another American success story from 2006/07. Now Jericho is a different matter. Blimey, it was poor. I admit I can't say for certain whether it's good now, as I stopped watching it after three episodes, but what could I do?? It's all very well being subtle and slowly building up a story and background, but at least give me something! I'm a busy man. I have a lot of television to watch. If all you're going to give me (after the nuclear blasts of the first episode) is Lennie James putting some pins on a map and an unconvincing love triangle between three minor characters, then I'm sorry but I'm going to get more excitement watching the price fall on Bid Up TV.

What I watched last night
  • Masterchef Goes Large (A bloke from South Tyneside won, he was clearly the best.)
  • The Gadget Show (I fell asleep throughout the MP3 players trial - dead to the world I was!)
  • Prison Break (Where are they going with the plot? Are they just making it up as they go along?)
  • Heroes (As I say, it's up there. And it had a great ending.)
  • South Park (A new one with Richard Dawkins in it.)

I've had a lot of letters asking whether I've managed to get a replacement for my broken iron. Well, the wait is finally over! I bought a new one today. News of its powerful steam action will follow in my next entry!

Monday 26 February 2007

Dragons Den

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey. A few points for you to consider. The car advert is ok. The only fault I can find with it is that they have not asked Tony Hadley to sing the song. I know you have an irrational hatred of big band but do I complain when P&G advertise their latest cleaning product with a System of the Down track ??
Secondly, never diss Howard in fron of Cara. Howard is a big hero of the Hallett family and let's be honest is it not great that a mere bank teller can rise the social ladder to become a recognisable face, entrenched in the UK physche ? Again the only thing that could improve the advert is if they somehow fit the tune to Highly Strung or Chant No. 1 (I don't need this pressure on) to sell their latest high interest account.
On Wednesday I watched Dragons Den. I love DD. I even like Evan and his inane intros and reminder of the rules of DD. Yes Evan, it is the fourth series now and I think we understand that the contestant must get all the money they come for. What I did not like on Wednesday was Peter and the other fellow who sits next to him and witters on about "spending my kids hard earned inheritance" attacking all-round good guy Richard. The gentle natured Aussie made an offer of "approximately 15%" in exchange for giving some clown £50k. Only Richard and Duncan showed any interest in the idea. Peter and the other bloke had already declared themselves "out". Yet they decided to get involved in trying to drive his offer down. As Eva commented after it was unprecedented for the Den". Tonight I will probably watch Prison Break. Though it does clash with ER.

I AM MICKEY. I REQUIRE PITY.

Two bad television related things happened to me this weekend (well, three if you count the two minutes of Dancing on Ice I accidentally saw, hahahahaha, that was a satirical joke).

Firstly, there was the news about the spat between Virgin Media and BSkyB. I live in a flat and I'm not allowed to put up a dish, so my multichannel viewing pleasure is provided by Virgin Media (who used to be NTL:Telewest (who used to be Telewest (they were probably someone before this, but that's before my time))).

It also happens that my three favourite programmes at the moment, Battlestar Galactica (hereafter known as BSG), 24 and Lost, are shown on Sky One. Virgin have decided that BSkyB are asking too much for the carriage rights to show Sky One (and Sky News and Sky Travel(!)) and so talks have broken down, and if they don't get back to the table Sky One will be off my television screen at the end of this month.

When I initially read this story, you can only imagine my fury. I was at work at the time, looking at the internet during my lunchbreak. I practically spat out my fairly stale mozzarella, tomato and pesto ciabatta all over my desk. I have cable so that I can watch the latest shows at the earliest time. I pay for these channels because I have no life and television makes me forget that for a time.

And now, Virgin are saying that they are fighting on my behalf by standing up to BSkyB and refusing to pay the extortionate amount they are asking for Sky One (and Sky Travel - for pity's sake don't forget about Sky Travel).

My initial thought was to put Virgin Media out of business. The only way I could think of doing that was by me cancelling my existing subscription, but then I'd lose the sports channels, and the cricket world cup starts next month and as it's on in the West Indies it'll be on at a really good time on an evening when I come home from work. And I'd lose my excellently reliable broadband service. And I'd really miss my TV Drive (or V+ box or whatever it's called these days).

So I can't do that. My next thought was to phone customer services and complain very strongly. But when I got home I couldn't be bothered. I really don't like speaking to strangers on the phone.

So I'm going to do nothing. Pathetic. It's just the story of my life. I'll just silently seethe when I read that Virgin have more than made up for the loss of Sky One by acquiring the rights to Lost themselves, so that I can get it using TV On Demand. IN AUGUST. I'll be able to get it on DVD by then. And what about 24 and BSG??? When's Mickey going to see those programmes??

And we've got a great new On Demand channel. Which allows us to see old episodes of the Office whenever we want. Or three episodes of Alias season 4. Why??? What's the point of season 4 of Alias?? What about seasons 1 - 3?? Have people got no sense? Are they just trying to annoy me.

I mean I'd pay extra. Sky One for me is far superior to the dross you get day after day on the Movie channels (the only reason I have them is because they're really cheap with the sports). Make Sky One a premium channel. I'd pay a fiver a month for it. I really would.

So Sunday night was the last time I would be able to watch 24 and Lost in the comfort of my own home.

I like to wait for a bit before I watch them - put them on my TV Drive recorder so I can skip through the adverts. (Have I mentioned that I dislike adverts? Seriously, I can't stand them. Anything which gives Michael Winner a catchphrase can only lead to the fall of mankind.)

So while I was waiting I did my ironing. Sunday night, five shirts. It's a simple ritual, but one I find pleasing - knowing that I don't need to iron again until the next weekend.

Midway through my third shirt, my iron starts crackling and suddenly all my electrics go off, including my television and my TV Drive midway through recording. Oh my language was choice. Some would say it was a little raw, perhaps a little saucy. My face was contorted in a reddened fury (I assume - I live on my own, and I didn't have the presence to look in the mirror to check me out) as I sorted out my fuses.

So the recording was lost, and I had nothing to watch. And my iron was broke. And I'd only done two shirts.

And I can't watch Saturday's repeat of 24, as Sky One will have gone by then.

Oh, you people don't know you're born. Try living my life!!

What I watched on television yesterday:

  • Primeval (from Saturday - it's on ITV, it's cheesey but I like it).
  • Click (it's a thing on News 24 about technology and that).
  • Top Gear (have you noticed how the title works in many ways? It refers to "Top Gear" in the sense of it being the highest gear in a car. But it also refers to the things that they are showing you. Effectively they are saying that a particular car they are showing you is "Top Gear". It's very very clever).
  • The Conspiracy Files (I watched the first fifty minutes but missed the end because of the ironing incident).
  • The first bit of 24 that I managed to record until I saw that it was unwatchable and included an audio description of what was happening. Supposedly this happened to only 400 people.

I'm going to watch Heroes tonight. It's sort of like X-Men or something. It's canny, like.

Tuesday 20 February 2007

Howard

I know I should "mix it up" a bit. I should write about something I'm really liking at the moment. I should give you a three paragraph summary of why I like the new Battlestar Galactica so much, or perhaps a self-deprecating bullet point list of what's good about Masterchef Goes Large but I'm not going to.

I could take this opportunity to write about a programme or television personality that has annoyed me. Maybe my views on how Carol Vorderman has destroyed Countdown would be an appropriate subject.

I'm sorry, gentle reader, but I can't do this. I once again turn to the advert as subject for my inaccurate and ill-conceived ramblings.

I don't think a series of adverts have annoyed me so consistently as those for the Halifax.

The concept for each advert is quite complex, but I shall attempt to explain it. Get a member of staff of the Halifax Bank of Scotland group (hereafter known simply as "the Halifax"), get him/her to sing a well-known song, except change the lyric so that it advertises a savings or loan product offered by "the Halifax".

Can you understand the concept that I have just described in the paragraph above? Have the words made sense to you? It's difficult so I'll try to describe it more simply within inverted commas.

""The Halifax" people do a song and dance about something that "the Halifax" want you to buy."

I know it's tough, this one. I used to be one of the finest minds of my generation and I struggle with the subtleties of "the Halifax"'s approach. I sometimes wonder whether they've overestimated the intelligence of the Great British public.

I mean, are we ready for the words to "Sexbomb" to be changed to "Extra"? It's confusing. I'm expecting Howard (from "the Halifax") to sing "Sexbomb, sexbomb, you're my sexbomb." I mean, that's the tune. How can he not sing that? But there are words coming out of his mouth but they don't sound like the words that should be coming out of his mouth. It upsets me, it goes against all rational thought, but it's true. The words are actually different. "Extra, extra, [something]* extra" HOW CAN THIS BE? HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD??

(* Replace "[something]" with what he actually sings here, I have no idea and can't be bothered to look it up on the millions of websites which probably exist with the lyrics to "the Halifax" adverts. It might be "We'll give you..." or words to that effect, but really, I'm a busy man. It's already after 8pm and I haven't had my tea yet.)

But wait! Extra! They're saying Extra, and look! There's a letter X in the name of the bank. "The HalifaX". So, it's eXtra! So everything's okay. And look at the end all the members of staff have stood in the shape of an X, and, do you know what? I do believe that they're waving to me!! Me!!! Living alone, with only the television for company. I do have friends after all. It's the employees of the Halifax Bank of Scotland Group! All is well with my life.

I can't remember what point I was trying to make here. I'm sure I was going to go on about the one where they did something based on the Big Brovaz (or whatever they were called), but I've kind of lost my thread. And I don't think I even touched on why the adverts annoy me.

What I watched last night

Masterchef Goes Large (five nights a week, I hope it finishes soon, it's getting a little tedious)
The Gadget Show (I like gadgets, I really do)
The Daily Show (from last week - Jon Stewart had a cold, and made some jokes about politics and that)
Prison Break
Nip/Tuck
(I also watched some news, and played on my Wii but I don't really count this)

At some point I should probably learn how to do some sort of hyperlinking type thing, as that's the sort of thing that happens on these so-called bloggies. I've managed to work out how to turn text blue and underline it - give me a couple of weeks and I'll have the whole "linking to other pages" sorted as well.

Oh, and a very happy Pancake Day to all you pancake lovers out there. I myself will be having spaghetti bolognese for my tea.

Wednesday 14 February 2007

Wednesday 14th February

What about that advert for the Astra? The one that starts with that awful bloke yelling at the top of his voice, "HEY WORLD, HEEEERE IIIIIII AAAAAAAAAMMMMM!" while the cars do jumps and somersaults and that? I really am no fan of it.

At first I didn't mind it. "Ah look," I thought in my normal relaxed and pleasant-minded way, "an advert where cars are doing jumps and somersaults and that. It's quite clever."

And after a while it really got to me. It's the way it starts. The big band music blares out (and I'm no fan of big band music) with the trumpet blasting with so much enthusiasm it's almost as though the musician thinks he's doing a good job. Then the awful bloke starts yelling at the top of his voice, "HEY WORLD HEEEERE IIIIIIII AAAAAAAAMMMMMM!" And I'm in the other room because the adverts are on and I've decided to take the opportunity to pour myself a nice glass of, oh I don't know, Cranberry and Raspberry flavour drink, and the volume is suddenly so loud and this awful bloke has invaded the sanctity of my home with his caterwauling.

So I run back into my sitting room and have to mute the television, because the awful shouting is just the beginning. He then softens his voice to a mere bellow, and jauntily informs us through the medium of song that we shouldn't "tell him not to fly" or something or other, eventually imploring us not to rain on his parade and all the while these Astras are doing this intricate jumping type thing, because everyone is having so much bloody fun because life is so great.

Well, I'm sorry caterwauling gentleman, but I am raining on your parade. Your tune is a bombastic heap and the driving of these cars of yours is reckless. What gives you the right over everyone else to shout out your existence? If everyone suddenly shouted "HEY WORLD HEEEEERE IIIIIII AAAAAAAAMMM!!" every time they stepped out their front door on a morning (in order to drive to a postbox by the way), life would be even more unbearable than it already is.

Last night I watched...

some of Relocation Relocation (the contestants or whatever they are were called PJ and Hereward!)
Life on Mars
Ten minutes of Shameless
Battlestar Galactica
Masterchef Goes Large (recorded from earlier)

Actually, is the advert for an Astra? Maybe it's a Corsa or something? No, probably an Astra.

Oh and happy St Valentines Day to all you lovers out there. I myself am single and live alone.