Large male sibling

So, first things first. Apprentice final this week.

Last week, Lucinda left. Boo. Bad luck Benton Bag Lady. If Lucinda had won you'd have won the special prize which was going to be a £2.50 book token or something.

Alex Wotherspoon and his sly sneaky, grassy, "Ooh ooh Sir Alan, Sir! Lucinda said she didn't want your job! Fire her, Sir Alan, Sir!" What an utter tool. He'll probably win, the smug, self-admiring, own-cheek-sucking, death-threat-receiving knob.

Then there's Lee McQueen with his unforgivable spelling and unforgivable lies. In my profession, (yes ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional), lies in the CV mean the end of the road. Much as I like Lee and want him to win, I'd have fired him there and then.

Then there's Helene who seems to have kept her place simply because she didn't get the sack from her old job.

And finally Clare who I used to hate, but now just dislike.

So, yes. Lee to win, then Clare, then Helene, then the knob. If the knob wins, I won't run naked round the streets of Newcastle, but I might step into my back garden in my underpants.

And so onto Big Brother. Once Davie's and my favourite reality television programme. Now an annual parade of utter cack.

I think it was during the opening night of Big Brother 7 that I discovered what an utter tool I'd been for watching so many past series. It was when a rat faced ponce with a large ego, named "Sezer" strutted down the stairs into the house, and before going through the inner door, looked directly into the camera and said something about the house going to be "Sezer's Palace". Do you see? Like Caesar's Palace! I think he may also have said "Recognise" but I may be wrong. Even if I live to the time humanity attains immortality I will never see anything more obnoxious on television or in real life. It made those stage show kids from Emu's Pink Windmill Show look like Alan Bennett.

This vicious ratfaced man had come close to ruining television forever. I didn't see the rest of that series. I stopped watching television for six months in protest. "Sezer's Palace recognise"? Sometimes I find myself at home feeling sort of okay but knowing that there's something wrong, something bothering me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Then after I've thought about it, I remember. Sezer's Palace. Recognise.

My favourites in this series are Kathreya, the hilariously over the top Thai massage therapist who loves her cookies! Dennis, the fabulously over the top Edinburgh dance student teacher who loves his things! And Rebecca, the wonderfully over the top Coventry nursery nurse who loves her Hanson! Great personalities. Great people. Great television!

More please Channel 4! How about for Big Brother 10 a champion of champions. I for one would be fascinated to see Cameron and Craig in a house together! Which one will Kate Lawler fall for!??

Sorry everyone. I'll stop now.