Two things I dislike

I've never been a fan of Birds of a Feather. The adventures of Sharon, Tracey and Dorien have never interested me. To be honest, I found them a little common. The programme doesn't anger me in the same way as an advert for car insurance say, but I'd rather eat an egg than watch it. Quirke, Robson and Joseph I have no time for. No time at all. To steal one of Davie's many catchphrases, I won't have them in the house.

I think my most hated song of all time is Toploader's sickeningly upbeat "Dancing In The Moonlight".

There are three reasons why I hate it:

Firstly, the band itself. Well, the singer. I don't know the man, I've never met him and almost certainly never will. He might be a nice bloke. But his curly hair, obnoxious organ playing and that awful mid-Atlantic singing voice of his conspire to make me want to kill small mammals whenever I see him.

Secondly, the tune. Not just the tune, but the instruments used. It's the nauseatingly cheery (that's another way of saying "sickeningly upbeat") way the song starts with that awful "Be-de-boo-boo-boooo, be-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de". The be-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de I can handle but the Be-de-boo-boo-boooo, kills me a little every time I hear it. It's like an unmistakable indication that the next three minutes are going to be spent listening to a song explaining to me, (me, by the way, who didn't ask for this explanation), explaining to me about how everybody is feeling warm and bright, because of some fine romantic sight of everybody dancing in the moonlight. Brilliant rhyming by the way. MoonLIGHT, warm and BRIGHT, fine romantic SIGHT, everybody dancing in the moonLIGHT. Seriously brilliant rhyming. They could only have made it better by explaining that the dancing within this moonlight was a new sensation that was sweeping the nation. Oh and they get it almost every NIGHT.

Good grief! I don't normally do this, but I've just looked up the lyrics. They're dreadful! Every line ends in a word sounding like "-ite". The rhyming words are as follows: Night, bright, delight, moonlight, sight, bite, tight, moonlight, moonlight, bright, sight, moonlight, fight, uptight, delight, moonlight, (organ solo), night, bright, delight, moonlight. (And I've just seen it's a fine and natural sight, not a fine romantic sight, and they get in on most every night, rather than getting it almost every night.) I hate this song so much.

The third reason is that Jamie Oliver advert. I think it's the one where he and his friends have had a bit of a heavy night and they've got to tidy a kitchen or make breakfast and maybe Jules is telling them off, I can't remember. It was a long time ago. I've looked up the lyrics, I'm not going to check on some weird advert archive website. Be-de-boo-booo-booooo! it goes, as Jamie and his friends, all effortlessly cool even in their hungover state make breakfast or tidy a kitchen or something. They probably end the advert all sitting around smugly reading the Sunday papers or something. None of them have their hangovers anymore and none of them show any sign of the utter dark despair of knowing they've got to go to work the next morning. Probably because they don't need to work because they're all rich from the advert that I hate so much I'm bleeding.

Yet it was only after spending over a minute watching Linda Robson singing Dancing In The Moonlight on yesterday's Comic Relief Does Fame Academy that I remembered that my television had an off button. I'd watched the preamble, showing Linda singing the song with the help of Carrie or David (I can't remember), I'd seen her trying to do this dreadful dance type thing with the help of Kevin. I'd seen her get a few words of encouragement from Claudia before she stepped into the Circle of Fear. And yet still I watched. A celebrity I don't like, singing my most hated song. Not once did it occur to me that this was something that I really didn't want to see. Only when I noticed I was crying in a silent fury did I realise that I was not watching for pleasure.

I vowed from that point on never to watch another reality/talent/celebrity/singing/dancing/variety show again. Apart from The Apprentice. And maybe Big Brother this year, just to see what the contestants are like. And Castaway. And I like I'm A Celebrity... And Fame Academy, because that Zoe Salmon's in it and she's really pretty.

What I watched on my television set last night:

• Masterchef Goes Large
• The Gadget Show (recorded from Monday. I don't know why I watch this. Much as I like gadgets, the show annoys me. And I fell asleep while watching it again).
• Comic Relief Does Fame Academy (I saw the results show as well.)
• Grand Designs (I couldn't work out what the couple's baby daughter was called. Was it Beeber? Is that a name?)
• South Park (from Friday. It made me laugh, but the jokes really don't translate well.)

I've got another episode of Kill It Cook It Eat It to watch on my V+ box. Last time it was a cow being killed, cooked and ate, this time it's a little lamb. Awwww.