John and Gregg

Davie. Do you want me to go on about the BSkyB/Virgin Media spat again? Would you like me to write about how empty my Sunday evenings now are, and how I spent this Sunday in a stupidly futile rage? Would you like more banal and not very well thought out arguments about why I am right and every other person on the planet is so totally wrong?? Would you like my initially calm and rational manner to quickly degenerate into a meaningless rant of capital letters, emboldened script and repeated exclamation points!!!???

You don't want that. I don't want that. Our thousands of faithful readers don't want that. Well, actually, I probably do want that, but seriously, I need to calm down a touch. Let me take it easy today by writing about Masterchef Goes Large.

MGL, as I've just decided I like to call it, is a massively calming influence on my life. I'm no cook myself. I used to do the odd stir fry, but I've been getting steadily lazier as my thirties pass me by. I can barely turn the microwave on these days.

There's something about watching other people cook that I really enjoy. I love to see the sweat literally dripping from their foreheads, and I love the utter relief on their faces when they see John and Gregg's happy reaction to their food. I'm a particular fan of the blokey from South Tyneside. He really wants to win it.

What he likes to do is take an old favourite that he remembers from childhood and resurrect it as a modern dish. He did it with a leek suet pudding in one round, and made a pan-haggety on Monday. My Mum used to do us a great meal - a bit of pasta with condensed chicken soup mixed with tuna and ready salted crisps. If he did that in the final, he'd win for sure.

I really like the start of MGL. I like to pretend to be John and Gregg, so I say with ingredients expert Gregg Wallace: "This competition just gets tougher!" And I join in with top chef and restaurateur John Torode (with the hand gestures) when he says: "Whoever wins, it's gonna -change- -their- -life-."

Yes ladies, I'm quite a catch and I'm still single.

What I watched on the television last night:

• MGL (as I like to call it now).
• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (from Friday - it was okay, y'know. Not a classic though.)
• Prison Break (In which escaped convict Fernando Sucre spent most of the episode with his foot trapped between two logs. Not the most inspired of plot devices.)
• Heroes (Oh how I love this programme. I'm four episodes in and following the loss of Battlestar Galactica I think it's my favourite! Wait, let me think about that... Yes. Following the loss of Sky One, Heroes is officially my favourite programme. (As already mentioned ladies, I am still single).)

I would normally have watched Nip/Tuck on Sky One. I didn't miss it.

I now intend to watch my recording of last night's Kill It, Cook It, Eat It. It's a show which claims to show the journey of food "from pasture to plate". Finally!