V+ Box

I've just received a text message from Davie. He's unable to get to an internet cafe, and is very annoyed about it as he wanted to write a post setting out some things about my V+ box. I shall therefore help him out.

Things I like about my V+ box are as follows:

• I can record two things and watch a third at the same time. I can even pause live tv on the third programme while it's still recording! When I have my separate terrestrial HDD working, this means I can record three things and watch a fourth. This is very good. So a few weeks ago when there was a clash between Heroes, Prison Break, Charlie Brookers Screen Wipe and Nip Tuck, I was able to watch them all.


• It has that whole TV On Demand thing. Especially the Catch Up TV. This is very good. Last night I recorded Life On Mars, but the recording failed midway through. I just went through a couple of menus on my V+ box, and before too long I was able to watch a direct feed from Virgin. Brilliant.

Things I don't like about my V+ box are as follows:

• It doesn't show Sky One.


• It sometimes goes wrong. A few months ago it lost all the details of everything I'd recorded. The programmes were still there, but absolutely no information about them. I just had a list of fifty programmes all called "Recovered content". It happened late one evening - that night I couldn't sleep with worry, and I was furious for days afterwards (until I went through them all and did a list of what they were).


• (By the way, ladies. I'm still single.)


• It sometimes goes wrong. There was that time when it didn't record Daybreak last week. And then there was yesterday when Life On Mars went wrong in the middle of the programme.


• Between midnight and one o'clock, it goes all slow and temperamental. Channel changes take minutes to process. I'm fast forwarding through adverts on a recorded programme and the "play" button doesn't respond, so I'm suddenly hurtling through the rest of the programme at 32x speed and I'm seeing what happens really quickly before I can even look away and it's spoiling the programme for me. I think it might be because of it processing the programmes for the new day that's appeared on the listings guide. But why do it at midnight, when I'm still watching my sad sci-fi based serial shows? It makes me annoyed which means I can't sleep. Which means I feel bad the next day. Which makes me angry.


• It doesn't have a button which automatically mutes the television whenever that AA advert comes on when all the AA men come out and sing "You've Got A Friend", implying that the service they provide to AA members is out of friendship rather than the annual fee. Especially the bloke who starts and ends the song. Singing it like he really means it. Singing the last "friend" with a Carey-esque warble worthy of an X Factor wannabe. Either sing the tune or get lost! I hate people. Winter Spring Summer or Fall, All you have to do is call? What's Fall? Are we suddenly in America? And there's the bearded bloke with the snow. He's bad as well.

Ah yes, Mickey, you can always fall back on writing about how much adverts annoy you when the post seems to be going nowhere.

Let me answer now the following question: "What television did you watch last night, Mickey?"

• Wainwright's Walks (Julia Bradbury doing Scafell Pike. I did it on my second attempt. The first time I didn't get halfway. My lack of fitness and general allround punyness meant that I was in agony just climbing over a couple of stiles.)
• Life on Mars (the recording stopped in the middle of the programme, but it was okay as I watched the rest "On Demand").
• Kidnapped (US show about a kid being kidnapped. It's okay, but Channel 4 are showing double episodes, and it's a real pain to watch so much drama.)
• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (More4 appears to have the same sound issues as SciFi channel. Intensely annoying. I should have mentioned it in my list above. But it was going on too long anyway. Aren't blogs supposed to be a maximum of 200 words or something?)

Finally, GP, a close friend of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant, has a tip for winner of this series of the Apprentice. Based purely on appearance of course, the predicted winner is this time coloured a vibrant red. Stay tuned to future instalments of Mickey and Davie's TV Rant to find out who out of the three of us will win the special prize of a tile showing a chimpanzee on the toilet eating a banana.*

* This is a lie. The tile belongs to me. I'm not giving it away no matter who wins.