Spoilage

Davie. I've recorded that ONE Life thing about Alex (BB3) and Mel (BB1)'s dog on your recommendation but haven't watched it yet. Don't spoil it for me!!!

In recent times I've become a little obsessed with avoiding so-called spoilers on television shows. For some, it's impossible.

Doctor Who, for example, seems to be headline news. Everyone knew that the bloke who plays Nicky in Our Friends In The North was going to be replaced by the bloke who plays Barty Crouch Jr in that Harry Potter film, because it was reported as a proper news story. I've come to the unhappy conclusion that as far as Doctor Who is concerned, I will never feel the utter excitement and surprise as I felt as a ten year old when the bloke who does the voiceover in Little Britain was replaced by the bloke who plays Tristan Farnon in All Creatures Great and Small.

One of the many reasons I stopped watching EastEnders was that I knew the major plots weeks in advance. Nothing ever surprised. I knew that the bloke off of Spandau Ballet was going to die. I knew that the bloke off of Ross Kemp on Gangs was going to do whatever he did on that particular episode when he left. There was never any drama in it as it was all announced on the front of every magazine weeks beforehand.

A few years ago I stopped looking at US tv websites, as they'd always give something away (particularly bad for Lost and 24 in recent years), but more recently I've become more paranoid about being told plots by tv listings. I think the most angry I've ever been (in my life) is when I was innocently reading the Radio Times and in a very small aside about that lass who was in Fatal Attraction and Dangerous Liaisons it gave away the end of the then forthcoming series of the Shield (possibly the second best programme on television ever).

I was spitting at the page. Seriously. I was literally spitting. But it wasn't my Radio Times, so that was all right.

So, what point was I making? I long for a more innocent time, when the news was real news and not about television? I long for a time when I didn't read listings magazines? I wish I was a hermit whose only contact with the outside world was by watching television programmes? Really, this is dreadful. I'm very sorry.

What's worse is that I seem to remember now that they announced that Peter Davison, I mean the bloke who played Campion in Campion, was going to be the new Doctor Who before it happened on Blue Peter, so this whole thing is just rubbish. And I made it up about spitting.


Television last night? What was it that was watched by me? Here, my friend. Let me tell you:

• The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
• Battlestar Galactica (Oh yes! I may not have Sky One, but my brother does. Magnificent stuff. A really seriously brilliant programme.)
• Castaway (It was the programme from the Sunday before last. I watched three minutes of it, then decided that I was being stupid. So I turned it off and deleted it from my V+ box. I say no to Castaway.)
• Grand Designs
• Daybreak (From last week. Except it hadn't recorded properly on my V+ box so I didn't actually watch this).
• Born Survivor: Bear Grylls (In which Bear Grylls gave me some useful tips for surviving in the event of me being lost in the Florida Everglades with nothing but a flint, a knife and a camera crew.)
• Entourage (This is from weeks ago. It's an HBO comedy that should be on something like More4, but it's shown on ITV2 and is sponsored by Britney Spears' perfume.)
• The Office: An American Workplace (Also from weeks ago.)

The Apprentice starts next week. Davie and I have decided who we think will win before it starts. My tip, based purely on appearance, I have coloured in blue.